I slowly sit up on the couch as I do every morning and let out a sigh, feeling this guilt and shame that haunts me every day now. I look around the empty, quiet condo. This is my life now. A life of loneliness and isolation from everyone. I'm forced to live in shame amongst the humans and their stares.
I don't petty myself. I deserve every bit of this and much more for what I've done.
I regret what I did to Ashley, Jason, and everyone else that I've hurt by what I did. I don't simply regret it because I'm now banished to live the rest of my days as a rogue and alone, I regretted it long before Jason found out I was behind it all.
I was jealous of Jason. I knew I could never be the male that Jason was by being a second-born alpha male. He had everything and I wanted it. I wanted to show everyone that I could be as great as him. I knew if I took Ashley away, it would break him and it did.
Blinded by jealousy, I didn't put much thought into what I was doing. I just wanted what Jason had. I wanted the attention, I wanted to be alpha, I wanted to show everyone that I was just as great as Jason.
I got it all.
I got everything that I was so jealous to get, that I went so far as to kill for it.
I felt good, but as the days passed I started to regret what I had done, but it was far too late by then.
The more I watched Jason break, the more and more regret and guilt I felt inside. I hated myself for doing what I did to Jason. Every day I wanted to come clean and tell Jason what I had done, but I was a coward and I was afraid of the outcome.
I tried to convince myself that maybe I could make up for what I did by being a good brother to him, and try to help him get past it all. But most of the time it was hard for me to go around Jason and smile in his face, knowing what I had done. I knew nothing could make up for what I had done, but I still wanted to try.
I forced myself to watch Jason break piece by piece and the more he broke, the more guilt and regret I felt.
A part of me was relieved once Jason finally got the truth that he was searching for. I just hate that he had to find out it was his little brother that did this to him.
I let out a sigh, thinking about it all. These same thoughts play over and over in my head every day as I sit here alone.
A few days ago Jason found Kimberly here with me. I wanted him to kill me. I was hoping he would kill me, and give me the rightful punishment that I deserve for killing his mate. But he didn't and a part of me hates that he didn't.
Now whenever the regret and guilt aren't eaten at me as I sit here, the thoughts of my mate are.
I didn't get a good look at her face, but that scent was undeniable. The second I smelt her my wolf went crazy, wanting to be let out to claim what's his. The wolf isn't happy about me walking away. Ever since then it has been mentally clawing and biting at me to go find her.
Her scent was like a drug and all I want to do is smell it again. I wanted to see her face, but I was too much of a coward to even look at her. I was too much of a coward to show her the shame that covers my face.
I did the right thing by walking away.
I Don't deserve to have a mate after what I've done.
I will not bring my shame onto her to bear. I will carry this weight of shame alone. I won't let her ruin her life by choosing this life with me as a dishonorable banished rogue.
It's best if she just lives her life. Find another male that's worthy of her. Another male who won't force her to leave everything she knows behind. Forcing her to be looked down upon, because she chose to be with me after knowing the horrible things I've done. She will be better off with another male.
My jaws clench down thinking about her being with another male, not liking the thought of it, but that's what's best.
I will only bring her problems, Ashley brothers are after me and eventually, they'll find me. After Jason found me here, I thought for sure that he would give my location to Ashley brothers. I waited for them to come busting through that door to kill me, but it never came.
I let out a sigh as I stand up from the couch and head into the bathroom.
I look at myself in the mirror, seeing those shameful scars covering my face. A reminder of what I've done. I will carry this shame on my face for the rest of my days.
After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I head back into the living room and take my spot on the couch where I spend my time every day alone.
As the guilt and regret of what I did starts to eat away at me, I grab the bag of herb off the table and roll a joint.
I put the fire to it and take a big pull, inhaling the smoke of the herbs. I hold the smoke in as long as I can, before letting it out.
I let out a small sigh, feeling my eyes starting to hang low from the effects of the herbs. These herbs help to chase these thoughts away, putting my racing mind at ease for a while.
I use to smoke herbs with friends just for recreational purposes, but now I smoke to chase away the guilt that haunts me every day.
I look at the joint in my hand, knowing I don't deserve a second of release from my guilt that the herb provides me, but I hate living with the guilt and shame of what I did.
I take another pull of the joint, feeling my body and mind starting to relax.
Misty (Brandon's mate)
Brandon I lay here on the couch as I do every day, letting this guilt and shame of what I have done eat away at me. I didn't get much sleep. It's hard to sleep after having dreams of the person that I've killed.I can still hear her voice in my dream asking me over and over. 'Why, why did you do this?' When I attempt to sleep she appears in my dream. I haven't slept much in the last two days, too ashamed to face her. Too afraid to face what I have done to her. She had always been kind to me. She was a sister to me since the day that Jason brought her to the pack. She was a nice person, she didn't deserve what I did to her. Maybe it's just the guilt of what I've done eating away at me or maybe Ashley has come to haunt my dreams to make me pay for what I've done. I rub my eyes, feeling exhausted from the lack of sleep I have gotten in the last past two days. I want to sleep, I need to sleep, but I don't want to face Ashley and the guilt of what I did to her. Sleeping was once a shor