Chapter 3: Alone.

SS1.

I couldn't sleep again last night. That made today the third day in a row.

I'd been walking around in a haze all day and hadn't even realised I'd dozed off in Chemistry class till I felt someone poke my back.

As I jerked off my table, the resulting noise alerted my teacher that there was a student sitting behind the door, out of his view.

I didn't even have time to blink the sleep out of my eye before he was standing in front of me and I just wondered how I was going to get myself out of this one.

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As I kneeled in front of the class with my hands raised up, I eyed the cause of it all, Ronald.

If he had just left me to continue sleeping I wouldn't have been noticed by the teacher and wouldn't have had my seat position adjusted. ꜱᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ ʙᴏʏꜱ.

Luckily I was let off with a warning once I explained to the teacher that I was only 'resting my eyes' in his class due to my myopia*.

ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ɢᴏᴅ, ꜱɪɴᴄᴇ ɪ ᴇꜱᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟʟʏ ᴡᴀꜱɴ'ᴛ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ ꜰᴏʀᴡᴀʀᴅ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴇᴇɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ᴜɢʟʏ ꜰᴀᴄᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴏᴜʀ ᴠᴘ*.

After class, he tried to get my attention but I just pretended that I didn't see him. I don't know why he now took it as a sign to come over and talk to me.

"Hey, sorry about that, I was trying to make sure you wouldn't get caught." He looked sheepish as he tried to explain.

"I wouldn't have slept in class if I thought I would get caught or do you think my liver* is that great? I would appreciate it if you would mind your business from now on in anything that involves me. Ok?" I snapped.

"Got it! Sorry I cared. Will make sure I don't touch you even with a 6-foot pole." He retorted as he backed away with his hands held up.

ɢʀᴇᴀᴛ, ɴᴏᴡ ɪ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴀ ᴊᴇʀᴋ.

"Hey!"

I turned around to see Amandi, "What's up?"

"What was that about?" He gestured between me and Ronald.

"What was what about?" I questioned.

"The poor guy looked scared, did my little honey badger come out to play?" He said while smooshing my cheeks.

"It was nothing and stop trying to smoosh me to death." I waved it off and removed his hands from my cheeks.

"You didn't sleep again last night, right? I could see your eye bags from the back of the class, and you wonder why I always call you panda." He chuckled as he folded his arms.

"Haha, that's hilarious, so funny I forgot to laugh," I said while rolling my eyes. "Way to make me feel insecure about it, you know I have natural eye bags." I started touching my eye bags self-consciously.

"You still didn't answer my question." He replied as he grabbed my hand.

"Are you a parrot? Why do you always say that any time we talk?" ɪ ꜱᴡᴇᴀʀ ᴍʏ ᴇʏᴇʙᴀʟʟꜱ ᴀʀᴇ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ɢᴇᴛ ꜱᴛᴜᴄᴋ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ꜱᴋᴜʟʟ ᴏɴᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇꜱᴇ ᴅᴀʏꜱ.

"Cause you always try to wave* my questions, like now. Answer me, Lolaaaa." He groaned while swinging my hand.

"Why are you asking when you already know the answer. I couldn't sleep, happy?" I snapped while turning my face away.

"No, why would you even think that I would be happy in this situation? I'm honestly worried about you Lola, cause jokes aside you look pale.

Why couldn't you sleep? Is it still the nightmares? You told me they had stopped happening for a while now, why are they now coming back?" He touched my face in a fretful manner as he rambled.

"They decided they missed me and came to visit." I shrugged.

"Why are you standing so close anyway, are you trying to intimidate somebody with your height? Mtchew*, nonsense, don't forget I'm still older than you." I squinted while looking up at him.

"Lola, be careful I heard - "He tried to warn me of something.

"Hold that gist, I'm going, we'll see later." I shifted away as I saw Bisola walking down the corridor.

As I jogged to meet Bisola so that we could go for lunch together, I heard him yell, "We better and it's just a month difference."

"And so? I'm still your elder." I yelled back and stuck out my tongue.

"Why are you smiling so much?" Bisola asked when I finally caught up with her.

"Nothing." I immediately kept a straight face.

"Hmmmnn." She lifted her brows and rolled her eyes. "So what's up with your family friend, did he say anything about me?" She inquired while chewing her gum loudly.

"You mean Dotun? Well, let me check, I have no urge to hit someone or anything and neither do I feel angry, so it's pretty obvious I haven't spoken to him today." I mumbled sarcastically.

"Sureee," she drawled, "Sha* when you guys finally talk, let me know everything you guys talk about, don't leave out a single detail, especially if it's about me. Ok?" She rolled her eyes and patted me on my shoulder.

"But what if we don't talk about you?" I questioned. 

"That's when it's even more important, I need to know who my rivals are. Toodles, talk to you later". She air-kissed me.

"Sure." I eyed her weirdly and the convo* ended there.

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I couldn't believe I forgot my note in class again, I was going to miss part of my siesta because of this. ɢᴏᴅ ᴋɴᴏᴡꜱ ɪ ᴡᴀꜱ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ ꜰᴏʀᴡᴀʀᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɴᴀᴘ. Whatever, let me sha be fast.

After I jogged to my class and got my note, I passed the blue class at the end of the hall and heard some people talking but decided to ignore it. After all, it's better to mind your business.

That is until I heard Bisola's voice and as I was about to call out to her, what I heard next froze me in my tracks.

I ran to the hostel and didn't look back. When she finally got back to the hostel and tried to get my attention, I pretended I was asleep. ᴘᴀᴛʜᴇᴛɪᴄ, ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ.

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As I sat in the dining hall during dinner, what she said kept ringing in my head and I didn't even notice when I bent the iron spoon I'd been holding.

I decided I couldn't sit there anymore. In my rush to get out of there, I pressed my palm on my plate. 

It wasn't until I saw everyone looking at me through the haze of red in my eyes that I realised that I'd broken the plate and I bolted out of there.

And as I sat in the abandoned technical drawing lab, I wondered why I was still hanging on.

My parents wouldn't care, they have 4 children apart from me. My 'friends' already considered me a burden. I'm pretty sure they'll move on quickly without me. 

I don't have a boyfriend so no heartbreak there. My siblings will get over it, after all, people die every day.

So why do I still live with this self-loathing and pain every day, who have I been enduring for all this while?

 What is the purpose of all this? Someone, tell me my struggles have been worth something.

 Please tell me I am not meaningless.

After like 50 minutes of sitting there listlessly, I heard someone banging on the door. Bisola was shouting for me to open the door and come out. I guess Amandi told her I'd be here.

I shouted back that she should go away and after about 5 minutes of back and forth shouting, I heard Shola tell her that they have to leave otherwise they'd be late for prep. 

I heard them walk away. I heard her walk away from me as if I was yesterday's trash, like I  couldn't warrant a second look.

And the fact that she brought her here, brought the person who had insulted me that afternoon, insulted me till she brought me down and ground me into dust.

As she, my so-called best friend, watched and agreed with everything she said, didn't even say a word of protest as they insulted me, makes me start vomiting in the trash can.

As I hear every word being played back in my head like a cassette, the names they called me, remember how they planned to gang up on me that midnight to tell me everything they hate about me.

How she said she was only with me to get close to Dotun and how she couldn't stand me being close to him because she knows I'll seduce him.

They all laughed as they called me Ashewo*. How they ridiculed me for not being able to speak my language well, how they spoke about that event and how I was probably begging for it. I wonder how I could have been so blind.

I sat there wondering if it was all worth it, wishing it was all worth it, begging for all I had done to be worth something.

I don't know how long I sat there for, don't know where I got the compass* from, don't know when I raised it to my forearm, was so detached from my surroundings that I didn't hear the key turning and the door opening.

It wasn't until I felt him unclenching my fingers from around the compass, heard it drop to the floor, felt him hugging me as he comforted me and I looked out the window that I became aware of how much time had passed.

"You knew?" I croaked.

"I overheard them talking in the tuck shop*. I'm so sorry Lola." He replied sadly.

"It's ok, at least you tried to warn me." My voice cracked and he held me tighter.

I don't know if it was the boy or the moon, or even the combination of the two but I suddenly felt safer and I realised that I might not feel like it today or even tomorrow but one day I hope I'll feel even a little glad for life, I hope,

that I might even learn to like myself.

And as the last tear left my eye, I fell asleep in his arms.

Glossary:
Myopia: Short sightedness.
VP: Vice-principal.
Liver: Boldness. (in this context)
Wave: Avoid.
Mtchew: Hissing sound in Nigeria to show disdain, anger and a multitude of other expressions.
Convo: Conversation. 
Ashewo: Prostitute.
Sha: A Nigerian slang. It can be used in place of besides, furthermore, to state a point etc. It will be used a lot in this story in different settings.
Compass: Tool for technical drawing.                                                                                                                          Tuck shop: A shop, typically one on school premises, that sells confectionery, snacks, and soft drinks.

N/B: In Nigeria, it is usually regarded as a stigma when one can't speak their native language due to what is perceived as a loss of culture