The next two weeks went by rapidly. Kendra and I moved in together. Both of us sharing the room that Donavon and I had shared. We took turns with one of us sleeping on the couch, the other in the bed. The children had adapted to the situation surprisingly well. They accepted Kendra living with us and were enjoying having someone there that would help cook and look after their needs.
Donavon and I had spoken a few times since he moved out, but the situation between us was intense. Half of the time I wanted to try to make things work, the other half I just wanted to yell and scream at him for tearing me apart. Our conversations were brief, and to the point. I explained to him that I still wanted him to be a part of the children’s lives. He was after all their dad. He said that he wanted that too. I made the offer that anytime he wanted to come visit with the children I would be more than happy to leave the house or take them to a park. I even made the offer of letting him stay overnight with the kids if he wanted, on one of the nights that I was working midnights. Donavon started coming up with excuses about being busy with school and finding his own apartment. This would unleash another bout of anger inside me, but instead of fighting I would just get off the phone with him. It was getting harder to see him as the man he once was instead of the monster he had become.
After one particularly upsetting conversation with Donavon, Kendra told me to come outside with her while she smoked a cigarette. I loved that this was her way of letting me vent all my frustrations. I felt truly blessed that Kendra was being a great friend. More often than not she allowed me to vent my frustrations regarding the fact that Donavon was not really interested in being a father.
“Girl you need to quit pushing him to do what is right. He is not going to magically turn into the person that you want him to be. You need to quit thinking that he is going to change and believing his bull crap that he spews over that phone.” Kendra firmly but at the same time gently tells me.
I know that she is right. For too many years I have held onto the possibility that the Donavon I had once loved would reemerge, only to be disappointed every time that I was wrong. “My head knows that I need to accept that he will not change, even for his own children. Now if I can only get my stupid heart to accept it.” Sometime during the exchange, I realized that tears had started falling.
“You know what we need, a night out.” Kendra states excitedly. Thinking about her suggestion I realize that I can not remember the last time that I went out as an adult and had fun. I worked too much usually to have energy for much else in life. Work, kids, keeping house those things have always come before fun for me.
“Yeah but we do not really have the money for that Kendra.” I was honestly grasping at straws. The thought of going out kind of scared me. I had no idea how to have fun anymore. I am shy around people at first, and I do not know many people in Oregon. The whole idea made me nervous.
“Girl if we dress up, we will not be paying for anything.” She shoots me this look, like she knows exactly what I am doing making excuses. “Look Noel I am not going to tell you how to live your life, but when was the last time you actually went out and had fun? I remember that you said you used to like singing karaoke, and I have heard you sing in the house you have a good voice. We should go out to this bar on Friday that I know. You can sing karaoke for a little while and have fun.” She says all this in an authoritative tone, like I was a child that was going to listen to her.
“Well I guess it would not hurt. I do like singing, and it has been a long time since I have had any fun.” I find myself talking myself into this. I am still nervous, but I have agreed. It is only Wednesday so if I decide later that I do not want to go, I will fake being sick or something.
On Thursday I see Kendra on her phone while she is out smoking. “What are you always staring at your phone for?” I ask her teasingly.
“I downloaded a new app, and I have been trying it out. There are some really hot guys on here, you should try it.” Kendra tells me in her matter of fact voice.
“Wait you are looking at guys on an app?” I would like to point out that it had been years since I had been clued into the dating scene. I had seen ads for dating sites but had never seen anyone using an app on their phone.
“Yeah, sit down and I will show you.” Kendra is excited to show off her newest knowledge. I sit beside her, and she shows me the app. I must admit there are some very handsome men passing on the screen. She explains that if she likes their pictures, and they like her back then they can send messages to each other. She says it is easier than using a dating site because she does not have to fish around to see if someone is interested or not.
“It is like speed dating without the awkwardness of having to meet in real life. You make a decision if you like the person, and then can message each other and set up a date.” Kendra is aware that I am a little clueless to new technology. I have never been a person that was impressed with tech, so this was all new to me.
“Give me your phone, I am going to download it on your phone. Then you can match with guys too.” Kendra is all geared up to do this.
“Kendra I cannot do this. I am not even divorced yet, hell I have not even filed for divorce. Donavon just moved out. I cannot go on dates.” I explain to her.
“Oh my gosh Noel yes you can. You are allowed to have some fun in your life. Donavon has obviously moved on and you need to get your cute booty out there and start doing the same.” She laughs at me, getting slightly frustrated with my hesitation.
Seeing that I am close to tears, Kendra softens her voice. “Noel I did not mean to hurt your feelings, but it is the truth. You need to start moving forward with your life. Donavon and you are over. I am not saying that you have to find your next husband on this app, but you should at least go on a few dates. You need to have fun, there is more to life than work and kids.”
Finished with her cigarette, Kendra and I go back inside. I hate to admit it, but I was a bit curious about some of the guys I had seen on her phone. Could I really go on a date? It has been so long since I was out and, in the world, that I do not even know how to act on a date.
Curiosity finally got the better of me, once the children had laid down for the night. With some hesitation I opened the app that Kendra had downloaded on my phone. I punched in my information, my heart beating faster with every box checked. The last step was uploading a picture, and that is where I lost my nerve. I do not look good in pictures. I have a gap between my front teeth that a semi-truck could fit in, and because of the weight gain it was very noticeable in photos.
I closed the app, plugged my phone into the charger and decided to get some sleep. My mind would not shut off though, and after thirty minutes of tossing and turning I decided to find my cutest picture and just upload it. I was nervous as the little blue ring indicated that my photo was now available for viewing on a dating app.
I watched the little tutorial on how to use the app, even though Kendra had shown me earlier. I wanted to make sure that I was not a complete blundering idiot just in case I did end up matching with someone. I started looking through the pictures of men that were available in my area. Some were very cute, so I liked their photos. I had just had my fill of the dating world for the night and had set my phone down when I heard an unfamiliar ping sound.
Grabbing my phone, I seen a notification from the app. My heart sped up, as I opened it. I had matched with someone and they had shot me a message. He was a little older than me, took great photos, and had a dog with him so I assumed he liked animals. He had sent me a message that was rather blunt in asking what I was looking for on this app. My anxiety was in full blown mode as I tried to figure out what to reply, because I was not even sure why I was on this app. In the end I typed back that I was looking to get to know some people and find out if I am compatible with someone. Lucky for me he broke the ice and started asking questions about what I did for a living, what are my likes, and dislikes and so forth.
We continued texting back and forth through the app’s messaging service. We both agreed that we had enough in common, that we should meet in person. A tentative date was set for Saturday at a local pub. Curling up in my bed that night, I gave myself a mental pat on the back. I had done it; I took a leap of faith and rejoined the dating world. I assumed I was being smart by only meeting with someone in a public place that I was somewhat familiar with. Drifting off into sleep that night, I was excited for my future.
By the time Friday rolled around, I had completely forgotten that Kendra had asked me to go out with her. When I got home from work that day, she was already in the kitchen making dinner for the kids. She yelled at me to get in the shower and told me that she had already picked out clothes for me. I felt my anxiety shoot through the roof. I could not feasibly go out today and tomorrow. This was too much for me.“Kendra I am not feeling all that good. I do not think that I should go out tonight. You go out without me. I am just going to make some tea and watch some movies.” I was hoping that I looked a little pale, and even threw in a small cough to try to make it more believable.“Come here Noel.” Kendra raised her palm to my head, feeling to see if I had a temperature. “You do not have a fever; you will feel better after you get in a shower. I have already made dinner for the kids, and
It had been almost three weeks since I had gone out with Kendra. Even though that Friday had not been fun, I still kept the date on Saturday with the guy that I had met using the app. I did not think that it was a bad date. We went and had dinner, laughed, and got to know each other. Then I never heard from him again. Kendra told me this was called ghosting.Since then I had been on a few more dates, some were alright, and others were downright atrocious. I was just coming home from one of the atrocious dates. Kendra was on the front porch when I walked up.“Hey so how was your night?” She asked me, taking a drag of her cigarette.“Well considering I left here less than an hour ago, I would say it did not go great at all.” I tell her fully exasperated by the experience.“Tell me what happened.” Kendra pats the step beside her, and
I was really nervous and had started pacing in my living room waiting for his reply. My phone pinged in my hand, and for a moment I thought about blocking him and just going to bed. No, I was not going to be a coward, I was going to go have sex with a random guy. I take a deep breath and open his email. He gave me directions to a place that was about five minutes away. He included his phone number and told me to call when I got there, and he signed this email Jayce.“Kendra, I um I am going to go out.” I call out to her.“What are you talking about it is almost eleven, where are you going?” She immediately asks me back.“Well you know that guy that placed the ad, I am going to go have sex with him.” I cannot even believe that I just said those words out loud. Kendra is laughing at me.“Hell, yes girl, it is about time that yo
“Mom I need you to sign this form, we are taking a field trip.” My eldest son was holding a paper out for me to sign, as I am in the kitchen stirring noodles for dinner.“Alright just set it on the table, I will sign it after I finish up dinner. What are the other kids doing?” I ask Levi.“Savannah is reading a book, and Jacob is currently playing a game upstairs.” Levi said with a sigh.“What is wrong kiddo? You seem down.” I ask him out of curiosity.“I am not down, just bored. Shawn is at a birthday party, and Kenny is at his dads house.” Shawn and Kenny are Levi’s best friends and they can usually be found hanging out together during the day. My son goes quiet for a moment before he gets a little nervous. “Mom, um are we going to have to go to Dad’s house, like Kenny does?”
Life was falling into a new routine, and I can not say that I was all too happy with the way things were going. Kendra was working but was still not helping much with the bills. She was going out a lot more too, and although I did not feel like I had a say in her personal life it was quickly impacting my life. Instead of helping to pay the rent, or the electric bill, she was more worried about her party life. She was coming home drunk, stumbling over furniture and being very noisy. Often times her racket would wake either me or the kids. When her children would visit on weekends, I would find myself cleaning up after them, and ensuring that they ate. Kendra was spiraling out of control, and I was not sure what to do about it.I tried to talk to Kendra about the bill situation, informing her that she needed to start paying to live there or she needed to go back to Kelly’s house. Kendra would make promises that she would get some of the
I have finished getting dressed for work right as Donavon makes it to the house to watch over the kids. He does not knock, walking in as if he still lives there.“Why did you need me here if Kendra is here?” He asks me barley keeping the anger from boiling over in his words.“She is drunk, and I do not trust her to keep an eye on the kids if there is an emergency while she is like this. I put her to bed as soon as she stumbled in the door. I am not asking you to do much Donavon, just stay here and sleep and handle the kids if anything should pop up.” I am already exhausted talking to him. Just seeing him releases a tornado of emotion inside me. It is like there are two parts of my body and brain that react to him. On one hand I can see the boy that I married, he has not changed much in the looks department and I have always found him handsome. On the other hand, looking at him churns my stoma
One good thing that came out of this morning is that the kids had a splendid breakfast. I made them pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage. It is not normal for me to cook breakfast, and especially not a feast like this. I needed to keep moving though, if I stopped the sight of them in my living room floods my mind. After the kids have eaten, I grab the broom and dustpan so that I can go sweep up the glass from the broken bottle. I know that later the kids will be in the living room, and I would not be able to forgive myself if one of them got hurt because of my stupid anger.I hate that I even have to walk back into my living room. It feels tainted now. I am mad at myself for throwing the bottle against the wall. Now I have to be the one to clean up the mess. I guess that is what I always do, clean up messes. I sigh as I move the chair away from the wall. I am going to have to pull out the vacuum to clean the glass off of the chair. As I sweep
Looking down at my phone I am hating the fact that I have to work tonight. I could use a moment where I do not have to think at all, just feel and react. Jayce’s message is asking me how my day was. I do not know if I should be honest with him. Yes, we had an amazing talk, where we both opened up about our life but would today be too much for him to handle? Would I farther be crossing the line if I told him that I was not doing well? Evidently, I take too long pondering how to answer because he sends another text. This time he is asking if he did anything wrong.Obviously, I am overthinking the situation. I quickly let him know that no he did nothing wrong I am just having a bad day. He asks if I want to come over. I tell him that I would love to but that I have to work tonight. He sends me a sad emoji face. I agree with him it is sad. Just thinking about Jayce’s hands and lips on my body is enough to make me wet. Then he asks m