When you're alone inside your head, and unable to pull yourself out of the funk, you end up going crazy!!
So far, I've been alone for a total of 2 weeks and 4 days.
I've pushed away Dean and Holden, not letting them near me. I'm not doing anything apart from going to work, acting like a zombie, just about handling my duties and jobs. When I go home, I stay in my room and huddle up in the duvet.
I'm just about managing a bunch of grapes or a satsuma a day. I've already lost 9lb!
As a wolf, I should be eating a lot more, and as I haven't been keeping up my usual diet, my wolf has gone into hibernation.
Like me, really.
I don't know why I've turned into this emotionless soul, I just can't get over how a human could get inside my flat without me--a shifter--knowing, and was able to freak me out and scare me like he did.
I've dealt with the threats and blackmails from other Doms, but this was one step too far. Making somebody come to my home for force me into changing my Dom. It's quite frightening.
What am I supposed to do?
Which way am I supposed to turn?
I feel so lost, and out of control.
I'm all alone.
"Someone, help me." I whisper, as I curl the duvet around me tighter. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore!"
Tears streak down my face, my heart in my mouth, my deserted stomach churning painfully.
"I'm so lost!" I whimper, and close my eyes, attempting to halt the tears, failing miserably.
I'm vulnerable, broken, and for the first time in 3 years, I miss my parents. I need their words of advice, their knowledge and wisdom.
Despite our distant relationship, they were always there when I needed them. I took them for granted and I regret not trying to build on our lacking family unit.
I can never go back and change things!
How can I move on without this undeniable guilt? How can I be happy again?
How can I chose between my mate and my Dom?
What do I want more?
Who do I want more?
Dean, an incredible, strong, supportive, charming and generous man who wants for me to be happy... and he loves me!
Holden, my mate, the man made to be with me. The person who is supposed to accept me despite my many flaws. He is loving, caring, supportive, and oh so patient! He also understands me!
Why do I feel such a strong connection with both of them?
Somehow, I have the same incredible tingles and sparks when I'm with them both, they just call to a different part of my brain. Dean calls to my desire, my passion and my pleasure, whereas Holden calls to my heart, my wolf and my sense of longing.
How am I supposed to choose?
"Right! Get out of bed... now! You need to shower, eat and get out of this god forsaken flat!"
I jump up in my bed, startled awake by a loud, booming and commanding voice.
As my eyes adjust to the light, I see Dean stood there, his hands on his hips, looking at me with displeasure and impatience.
"Noooo! I don't wanna." I moan, shoving a pillow over my head.
"Nope!" Dean snaps, yanking the pillow and duvet off of me and the bed, throwing them to the floor.
I whimper, curling my half naked body up in a ball, trying to hide away.
Dean sighs, and climbs onto the bed, wrapping his arms around me and comforting me.
"Lizzie, baby. Please? I can't keep seeing you like this. You're lifeless! You're an emotionless zombie and I can't handle it anymore!"
I look up into his pained eyes, glazed over with tears as he strokes my cheek tenderly.
I don't know how, but seeing Dean in pain upsets me. I want to help him, to take his pain away.
"Dean! Please don't feel pain for me. I don't deserve your pain or sympathy." I whisper, my voice breaking.
Just seeing him like this produces an overwhelming, uncontrollable, aching pain spear through my heart.
"I can't keep seeing you so fragile and vulnerable Lizzie! I love you and it hurts me deeply to see you so pained. I don't know why it cuts me so deep. It hurts not only me, but my wolf too!" Dean whimpers, for the first time showing his weaker side.
My wolf howls in my head, making me cringe.
'We have to help him.' She whimpers. 'We love him, Lizzie! Make him happy again! I can't see him hurting like this!'
This confuses me. How could my wolf be hurt by Dean hurting?
What does he have to do with my wolf?
I push that question to the back of my mind, and I decide to listen to my wolf. Heal him!
I uncurl my body, slipping my legs in between his. I grab his face with my hands, pulling it down so I can kiss him.
As his lips crash against mine, my insides melt in ecstasy.
I dive my tongue inside his warm, sweet mouth, massaging it against his.
Dean always tastes divine!
My core is heating painfully, every nerve ending a live wire. My wolf is whimpering with need.
It hurts! It actually hurts!
"Holy shit, you're in heat baby! That's what that scent is!"
"I... err... I don't know if I can make that pain go away! Only your mate can ease the pain." Dean breathes. I see shock, need and passion in his eyes as he tries to restrain himself.
Swallowing hard, I let his words sink in. I'm in heat?
I've only had one heat before, and it was a fortnight after I first shifted at 15. It was excruciating and I had to stay in my room for 2 long painful weeks, before it finally passed.
"Try, Dean! Please try!" I whimper.I need him right now.I am burning up beyond anything I have ever felt before, it's as though Dean has brought this on!It only started when he put his arms around me.He caused this!!"Dean! NOW!" I scream, my back arching as the pain spikes furiously.A loud sexual moan emanates from Dean's parted lips, and his self control waivers as he crashes his lips to mine again.All I can feel and think of is him.The way his hands touch me, the way his lips move against mine, his weight on top of me, his musky sweet breath, the feel of shirt and tailored trousers against my over sensitive bare skin.It's like the most intense feeling I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. I just don't want it to end.Not only the pleasure from Dean's incredible loving, but the feeling of intense love and emotion for this man makes this act of fornication a whole lot more incredible.My lips start to
Back at work, finally out of my funk. I feel more positive. Still confused, but positive.I'm sat there at my desk typing out a letter for my boss, Mr Fray.Mind numbingly boring but it keeps my brain busy.Just as I press print, the office phone rings. I clear my throat and take my professional mode."Good morning, Mr Fray's office. How can I help you?" I speak politely."Lizzie? It's Holden!"I grin, hearing his bright voice."Hiya!! What's up?" I ask."I err... was err... calling to err..." He hesitates, stumbling over his words.It's cute!Adorable.I smile."Just say it, Holden." I murmur gently, trying to encourage him.I hear him down the line taking a deep breath. "I wanted to ask you on a date." He rushes out.I blush at the request."Ask me properly and you might get an answer." I tease.Holden chuckles slightly. "Sorry, I'm just a little nervous.""I was wondering if you'
I was awoken by my phone ringing with a high pitched shrill.I rolled over and grabbed it drowsily."Mmm?" I answer."Lizzie Knight?" A powerful voice questioned down the line."Yeah? Who's this?" I ask, trying to sit up.I hear a chuckle. "Frank Paulson, you left a message about your... predicament?"My eyes widen, and I leap off the bed, bounding around."Hello! Oh, thank you! Thank you for calling back so quickly!" I rush out, begging for answers."Right, Lizzie. I would prefer to discuss this matter in person? Are you free at some point today? From my records, you are located in Nottinghamshire?"God, he's formal!"Yes, yes I am. I live just outside of Newark."Our conversation ends after we decide on a cafe in town at 4pm.I am on edge all day!I have a half day at work today as Mr Fray leaves for a business trip to Vancouver at 11.30am.Just another bonus.I rush off to the bathroom, show
"It's a very unconventional solution though and can end up with the mates fighting for attention."I swallow back bile at the idea of Dean and Holden fighting each other for my attention. I couldn't handle losing either of them. I couldn't imagine it!"Right... so, how would it work? One of my mates is an Alpha? How could I be a Luna if I'm another wolf's mate as well?" I ask with a shaky voice.My heart is pounding out of my chest, I feel beads of sweat trickle down my back, and my heart aches painfully.I am so confused!"It just would. His pack would accept you as Luna because that's your right as his mate.""The only problem I can see presenting itself, is your mates not accepting the situation you're in and making you choose."I shake my head, not wanting to picture the scenario in my fragile mind."I'm still confused. How can Holden AND Dean both be my mates if my wolf hasn't stated Dean is? She feels pleasure and excitement by h
Six long weeks since that fateful night.To my dismay, I am still alive.I haven't seen Dean nor Holden since I gave them the soul destroying news.I go to work, do my job, return home and huddle up on the sofa until I fall into abyss.Sleep is my only friend. It blocks out the pain.Why can't the wolf spirits let me die?Today, it's just another boring day. I arrive at work to start dealing with meetings and clients, making calls and typing up letters like always.I sip on a strong black coffee while typing an email reply, when my stomach churns.Eurgh!I leap up from my seat, sprinting full pelt to the ladies bathroom, throwing myself at the toilet. I vomit violently, so bad that my eyes stream with pain.That's how the rest of the day continues; working and throwing up.I have no idea what's going on.Wolves don't get sick!We have an unusually high immune system, so no human bugs or viruses effect us.<
Last night was wonderful. I finally slept with Soul and oh wow!He wasn't as good as Dean or Holden but it was still intense and he was so soft and romantic.Rose petals all over the bed, candles everywhere and fizzy grape juice--a pregnant craving--with chocolate covered strawberries!It's as though he read my mind, followed my heart and was making up for all the shit I'd been through over the past few months.In the middle of the night, I'd also woken up to fluttery kicks in my stomach!It was the most amazing feeling!I get my first scan next week as my doctor couldn't fit me in for one until then.The idea of seeing my baby for the first time is so exciting and heartwarming.Would it be a girl or boy?Would they be Alpha blood or not? Thus meaning Holden's or Dean's?I couldn't care less either way. They're both my mates and they both rejected me at the same time.I thank the heavens I didn't let them m
I spoke to the postman the other day, and afterwards, Soul beat ten shades of shit out of me.I ended up with a black eye, a bruised cheek, cut lip and multiple bruises across my body.My pregnant belly is now swollen up. My scan informed me that not only one baby was taking up residence in my uterus, but two!Two babies?! I was happy. For me, anyway. Not for them. I have Soul threatening their lives as well as my own.I have to try and do whatever I can to protect them, and give them a chance at life. I could have them and send them to my mates, giving them more of a chance than if they stayed with a weakling and an unfit mother like me.Right now, I'm sat, waiting for my next sonogram. I get to find out the sex of my babies. Finally, sixteen weeks, I can see what I'm having.Soul is sat by my side, reading a book. He won't let me go anywhere alone! I feel so claustrophobic!I want to scream!That reminds me of one of my favou
I turn my head and look. Holden and Dean are in a giant bed holding onto me as they dream.I run through what recently happened in my head trying to understand.Soul!Fuck!Did I really kill him?Am I still pregnant?I look down to a bump and sigh with relief.I cringe as I remember seeing my men beaten up before me.I'd rather it was me than them.I was marked!Shit!I carefully untangled myself from Dean and Holden to slide off the bed.I recognise this room. It looks like the one I slept in at the pack house but bigger and there are belongings in it. A pile of clothes on the floor, photos of Holden and other people.It's his room.I head to the bathroom and look in the mirror. The mark is still there, clear as day despite Soul being dead.Though I don't feel a connection to him. No emotions, no thoughts.He must be dead.I sigh with undeniable relief.That's shor