And the F*cking Wedding. Mazel Tov!


I put on my heart-shaped sunglasses and lean on the trunk of the fully-bloomed pink Dogwood tree, the colors of its flowers matching my pink cocktail dress. I'm pretty sure I look like a sad bitch all alone here, away from all the people, but I couldn't give a single fuck. Maybe people will even think that I'm sort of the groom's ex-girlfriend, feeling all bitter and sad that he got married. 

Oh, the drama. I love how people can get so nosey.

I sometimes do this thing on random people's funerals. When I get totally bored and reminded that I'm so frickin' single, I go to the cemetery wearing a black lace dress, carry a big black umbrella and then watch from a distance as the family and friends of the deceased mourned. I'd like them to think that I'm some mysterious stranger who knew the dead. You know, just for the drama, and to fuck with people's minds. One time, there's even this wife who actually came up to me and asked how I knew her husband. I just told her, "I loved his penis", and left. I can still see her face to this day. 

Hate to say it, but I think funerals are better than weddings. Sending someone to eternal rest is just... peaceful. Weddings on the other hand, it's like sending two people to their doom. Monogamy's just unnatural. We all have the same instincts as animals. Hell, we all love it when we humans fuck like animals. But we live in a society where it's been ingrained in us to do these things because of some fucking standard and moral quandary. But hey, if the whole stick-to-one thing works for other people, good for them.

The wedding ceremony had just finished, and the guests were flocked by the arch at the end of the aisle to have their pictures taken, and to congratulate the newlyweds of course.

God, everybody's got their smiles on. I literally want to throw up in my mouth, swallow my vomit and then retch it all up all over again. When there's this so much love and happiness in one place, I just get the heebie-jeebies. While they're at it, why don't they belt out I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing and raise their hands up in the air like it's a fucking kumbaya. The lyrics is so fitting, too. There's lots of apple trees in here, honey bees, and yes, snow white turtle doves.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm really happy for Jesse and K. But you know that feeling when the dial just goes way up the happiness meter, you get nervous and feel that something bad's going to happen, just lurking around the corner. At some point in time all the high will break and plummet. Shit hits the fan and that's inevitable. I know that feeling, it happened to me probably a million times already.

Holy shitballs Batman, I need a drink. And a penis.

Speaking of which, I eye the crowd for a possible prospect. This is a wedding after all, the point of going to one is to get laid at the end of the night.

There's very few people in here, though. 'Cause why did Jesse even think of getting married here? Never thought of him as a spring-wedding-by-the-country-meadows kind of guy. Fuck it, I never thought he'd ever get married! Guy's been a human dildo all his life, screwing girls and never having the intention to get into a relationship. And then came Kristen. God, he just went fucking nuts and head over heels in love with her. And now this. Mazel fucking tov!

Love really does work in mysterious ways. Sometimes, you find healing. But most of the time, it just fucks you up even more. I just came across the latter.

So, human dildos.

There's a cute guy from the string quartet who played the cello. Although, I noticed he kept on looking at Levi Steinmetz, my other boss in Aperture and Jesse's bestfriend-slash-bestman. Cello guy probably plays for the other team.

Who else? Just some guys and friends from the office. Fox Galinski from label liaison? Nah. His large beady eyes are freaking me out. And I love looking at a guy's eyes during sex. What about Dan Blumenthal? Dude's 23 and fresh from his former temp job, he's two years younger than I am - and that's way too young for my standards. Besides, his office desk is right in front of mine. I don't want him spending all day looking at me and fantasizing about my vagina. Now Isaac Leibowitz on the other hand, that's a real cutie. He's bosom buddies with Jesse and Levi since forever. They've all founded Aperture so basically he's my boss as well. But lucky me, he has been going out with Natalie, this really pretty flame-haired girl who happens to be cousins with Jesse. Who of course, is also here at the wedding. There isn't a slight chance that I could get him drunk and get into his pants.

Fuuuuuuck. Why am I even thinking about boning guys from the office? I know they're off-limits! Am I craving for a warm, human body that much? Daggins wouldn't be so happy about this.


"Penis!" I blurted, startled out of my wits. I turn around to see who it was walking up behind me like a stealthy meerkat. Levi. Well, very apt. He's quite the dickhead, just like how Jesse used to be. 

He chortled, perching a cigarette between his lips. "Hello to you, too." He reached for the inside of his suit's breast pocket, flipped the box of cigarettes open and offered a smoke.

Bloody hell, might as well puff one instead of standing here all alone wishing for a magical manifestation of a penis. Levi clicked his lighter on and put it at the end of my cigarette, keeping the flame from being blown out by the wind with his hand. I liberally take a puff and keep the smoke deep in my lungs like I'm an incinerator.

"What's up?" I ask Levi, eyeing him from head to foot as I put my sunglasses over my head of thick, gleaming silver hair. Well, he looks like a dashing gentleman today - clean shaven, bright green eyes with a tinge of brown, and that suit looks really good on him. Oh, and he got a haircut too. He got the sides tapered into a clean fade, while he kept his signature dark and wild curly mane on top. Hell, he's cute. That bulge he's keeping in his pants is impressive in plain sight. Though I highly doubt he's keeping it. He probably wants everyone to know that he's got the big junk in the trunk. 

"Why are you here all alone, man?" Levi snickered, his eyes down on my tits. Yes, dude, stare away. "Your tits and ass look great in that dress, by the way."

Um, thank you? But really, he has the fucking balls to say that to my face. I like the honesty and bluntness, though. At least he's not just some pervert who keeps staring and not paying me a compliment for all of the goods he's enjoying.

"Just staying away from all the wedding drama, I suppose." I mumble, dragging a huge puff from my Newport.

"Look, I know you're in love with Jesse and shit, but he's -"

"I'm so not in love with him," I cut him off mid-sentence. Did he just come here to tell me that? Fucking cunt.

"Yeah, whatever." He chuckled derisively. 

"Don't 'yeah whatever' me!" I land a hard jab at his right arm, making him wince with pain. Yes, I'm petite and slim and looks like I could be toppled over with a light flick of a finger, but I could throw a real punch like a man. "I'm not in love with Jesse." I maintain, looking him straight in the eye. "For a time I just thought we could maybe fuck once, but he's like a brother to me. Alright? So shove that up in your ass." There. I said it. No point in denying it, anyway. That's the truth and I'm not the one to hide what I know and feel. Doing that shit just eats me up inside.

"Okay," he said nonchalantly, which just bugged me off even more. "Why didn't you bring a date, then?"

"Why didn't you bring a date?" I get back at him, laughing internally and well aware that we're on the same page right now. He's single, he didn't bring anyone with him at Jesse's wedding, and probably he's finding a catch, too. This fucker's always relied on this infamous dating app, Clix, to get hookups. And this far up in Maine, I doubt he'll be able to get someone to fuck. There's probably more horses in this whole town than ladies he could bang. Well, you see there's not a lot of chicks at this goddamn wedding too. I bet he'll be fucking his hand tonight.

"You know that I don't do dates," his less-than-smart reply, of course he doesn't. "That's just some standard the society set upon everyone. It's ridiculous. If I want to go to a stupid wedding alone, then that's my pure fucking business. I don't have to pressure myself to find a date."

Huh. Alright. "You know what? I totally agree with you on that. I don't get that, at all! It's so dumb."

"Hey, look at that!" Levi guffawed. "We finally agreed on something." He smiled, and I did too.

"If you weren't my boss, I would have already punched you square in the face. You're so annoying." I kid, though it was half-meant. I hated this ball sac. I only hang out with him during gigs - and always with Jesse and Isaac, because I don't have a choice. He's my boss and it's work, and as much as I despised this dickhead I have to remain professional. Just all in a day's work.

"So... What do you say, Charlie?" Levi gave me a lopsided grin, his green eyes bore through my deep browns. "Do you want to fuck tonight?"

Wow. Did he come up to me here and got me into a conversation just so he could lure me into having sex with him?

"I'm sorry?!" I narrow my eyes at him and laugh in derision. "Are you fucking serious?"

He pursed his lips in amusement and shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I mean, why not? We both don't have dates, we're both horny, one plus one is two. Makes total sense, yeah?"

"Ugh. Fuck off, Levi!" I roll my eyes at him and walk away. Seriously. 

Though in hindsight, if he weren't my boss and if he weren't such a huge ass, and if I didn't love my job, I would have really agreed to do him tonight. Levi is just a big X. 

Hell to the frigging NO.

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