“Shut up!” Jacob felt his knuckle meet lip and teeth. His hand came away bloody before he knew what happened.
“Fuck! What the fuck, man?” Seth steadied himself against the wall and flashed a glare up at Jacob. He touched his lip with his hand and looked discouraged at the blood he saw on his fingers. “Jesus, it’s not like I told anyone. Damn. Thanks for confirming, though.” He sucked on his split lip and tried to look for somewhere to wipe his hand other than his shirt.
“Shit!” Jacob slammed the wall next to Seth. He glanced around to check for witnesses. No one had seemed to notice. “God. Dammit, dude... Sorry... I mean...” Jacob hurried into the store and grabbed a few napkins, muttering a thank you to Carl without looking up. He brought them back to Seth, who gladly accepted them and wiped his face and hands. His lip still bled, so he pressed the napkin to it. “Dude, I’m sorry... I haven’t punched anyone like that before. That wasn’t cool. Fuck.”
“I don’t accept.” Seth spat blood on the curb.
“Huh?” Did Seth want to fight? Jacob didn’t want to fight, but he would defend himself if he had to, and he was sure he would win if it came to that.
“I don’t accept your apology. You have to make it up to me.” A sly smile curled the visible corner of Seth’s mouth.
“How?”
“Come back to my house.” Seth grinned around the napkin.
Jacob stepped back, into the wall. “What? Fuck, no. Get the hell out, fag.”
Seth grimaced almost imperceptibly. “You’ll be safe with me… unless you want to talk about how I know your secret here out in the open... Besides, I have vodka.” He flashed a bright white smile while still pressing the napkin against his lip.
They certainly couldn’t continue to talk here. “What if I’m seen with you?”
Seth shrugged. “So what? You were hired to tutor me.”
Jacob needed to know how Seth had figured it out. He had always thought he was so careful. Nothing was more important. “Fine. Alright. . Let’s go.”
Jacob was so wrapped up in his own head, he didn’t notice much until Seth ushered him into his bedroom. He looked around in mild surprise. His room wasn’t much different from any of Jacob’s friends’ rooms, except that there were a few theater programs in the clutter. He had nothing on the walls except a poster of some actor Jacob didn’t know. He had thought there would be, like, gay-porn, or rainbows, or something to show that he was different from Jacob.
“Have a seat anywhere,” Seth said, gesturing towards his bed, as he went to a small fridge in the corner.
Jacob eyed the bed warily, and sat down on the floor next to the bed instead.
Seth pulled a large bottle of cheap vodka from the fridge. He poured it into a plastic cup, and held it out to Jacob.
Jacob hesitated. “Straight?” he asked, shocked.
“It’s the only thing in this room that is.” Seth flashed his cheeky grin.
Jacob glared up at Seth.
“I don’t have any mixers unless you want prune juice from the kitchen.”
Jacob took the cup from Seth, sipped the booze, and made a face.
“Come on, be a man! It’s not that bad.” Seth held his cup up to cheers, and Jacob clinked his against Seth’s. Seth drank his in one swig and shook his head to clear the vapors.
Jacob tried to follow suit and choked. Seth laughed outright. Jacob took a breath and gulped the rest, doing his best not to react to the burn. He was used to drinks at parties, but he usually stuck to beer or mixed drinks. He couldn’t decide if what he suddenly felt for Seth was newfound respect or concern. “Okay,” he said, studying the bottom of his now empty cup. “So, how did you figure out what you think you know?”
“What I think I know? Oh, I’m sure I know,” chuckled Seth, with a smile. He poured another dram of vodka in Jacob’s cup.
“Well?”
“Well, there’s this magic thing called Gay-dar. I can, like, smell another gay guy from across the room.” Seth refilled his own cup.
Jacob stared at Seth earnestly. “That’s actually a thing?”
Seth burst out laughing. “Fuck no. God, you’re so gullible. The girls at school talk to me, and they talk a lot about you. I probably know more about you than your friends do.” Seth drained his cup again.
“Yeah, right.” Jacob rolled his eyes and sipped the vodka. He didn’t want to give Seth a reason to laugh at him again for not being able to shoot it. He also didn’t want to drink too much too fast. He was already starting to feel the first shot.
“Yeah? I know you don’t touch the girls you’ve been with. I know they have to practically beg you to sleep with them. You think they have that problem with other guys? I know you don’t look at them when you do it. I know they feel like you think doing it is a chore. I know you keep your eyes closed while they--”
“Okay okay, I get it. Girl’s talk.”
“I know you check out other guys in the hall the same way I do. You think your friends look at other guys like that? I know you’ve checked me out.”
Jacob looked up at Seth. His eyes were a cold blue, with dark rims around the irises. His face was serious now. Jacob kind of wanted him to smile again. It was done. Seth had figured him out. There was no going back now. Time for damage control.
“I wasn’t checking you out...” said Jacob as he looked down into his cup of vodka again. “No one can know, okay? It would ruin me.” Jacob shuddered at the thought of the basketball team finding out. They wouldn’t want anything to do with him. And his father…
Jacob put his head in his hands.“I haven’t told anyone, and I won’t, but some of the girls you’ve been with suspect. It won’t stay a secret forever.”
“I’m trying to change it. I’m working on it. It just… it’s not working so far. You wouldn’t understand. You seem totally fine with being the way you are.” Jacob waved his hand at Seth, who tried to pour more vodka into Jacob’s cup. “I’m good,” Jacob said, covering the cup.
Seth put the bottle down and sat down on the bed, laying back behind Jacob. “It wasn’t always like that. It still isn’t all the time. You think I like the remarks? The looks I get? Getting beat up? Being called a fag? Thanks, by the way.”
Jacob cringed. “Then why do you do it?” Jacob could feel the bed shift against his back as Seth moved. The scent of Seth’s Axe shampoo followed.
“It’s harder trying to be anyone else. This is me. This is a part of me. I’m not going to be somebody else and force myself to like people I don’t like just so I can fit in.”
“It’s not just so I can fit in. It’s so I don’t burn in hell. It’s a fucking sin, man.”
“So’s having sex out of wedlock and you’ve fucked that one up pretty well already. Besides, you don’t honestly believe all that crap anyway, do you?”
“I don’t know anymore. I used to. You know my dad’s a minister?” Jacob could feel the warmth of the alcohol spread through his body. He could feel his pulse in his neck and his lips were kind of numb. He leaned his head back on the bed. “We have a hall in my house, right outside my room, that is lined with crosses and Jesuses and shit.”
“Wouldn’t the plural be Jesi?” chuckled Seth.
“What? Fuck if I know... anyway, it freaks me out, like he’s watching me, judging me while I try and fix myself. It’s like he knows I’m failing.” Jacob closed his eyes. Seth’s smell was surprisingly pleasant.
“Maybe he’s judging you for trying because he wants you to be you just the way he made you.” Jacob felt the bed shift again, and opened his eyes to see Seth sitting up over him. “I’ve never been real religious myself, but what I’ve always been taught is that God forgives. Isn’t that why people have faith in Jesus? Wasn’t it to, like, absolve you of your sins?”
Jacob tried to pull himself up onto the bed. His arms wouldn’t quite respond the way he wanted. Seth grabbed his arm and helped him up. Seth smelled really good. His face was flushed from the alcohol, and his hair was tousled from laying on the bed.
“Jacob, you’ve never actually done anything with a guy, have you?”
“No, I didn’t want to risk it. As long as I don’t, I thought I still had a chance.”
“Did you ever at least watch porn with guys in it?”
“Just the normal shit. Most of it had dudes with the chicks.”
“And did that do it for you?” Jacob shrugged that off. “So, you have no idea what it’s actually like to hook up with someone you like, huh? Hah, the biggest playboy in the school and you have no idea what it feels like to enjoy it.” Seth was shaking his head in amazement.
“Sex is sex, a hole is a hole. What’s the big deal? The rest is just in your head.” Jacob watched as Seth ran his slender fingers through his curls, taming the flyaways.
“You have no idea... The big deal is --” Seth suddenly leaned in, inches from Jacob’s face. He lightly touched the side of Jacob’s neck. “The big deal is that we’re here alone, your face is red, and your pulse is racing. Does that happen with the girls?”
“What?” Jacob touched his face reflexively. He and Seth were almost nose to nose. He couldn’t move. His heart was pounding so hard he was sure Seth could hear it. All of his skin felt warm. It’s just the alcohol, Jacob thought to himself. It has to be just the alcohol. He knew it wasn’t. Seth’s lips were pink, and the side where Jacob had split his lip was plump and a little darker. “Maybe you’re just scared. Maybe I make you uncomfortable. Or maybe you have checked me out after all,” Seth said softly. Jacob could feel Seth’s breath as he spoke. It was sweet but carried the sharp edge of the vodka and smoke. The smell of him was intoxicating. Jacob could picture his friends on Monday. He would walk into school and they would know. He could see himself bloodied in the gym. He could see the look of disgust on his father’s face at home as he was thrown out. What a disgrace he was. He could see the judgment in his father’s eyes. He could also see his life as it was before. He could feel
The warm, soft sensation of Seth’s lips against his trailed through Jacob’s memory as he lay in bed Saturday morning. Real lips; not a dream of celebrities, or unbidden fantasy; real lips. It didn’t matter at the moment who's they were, they were real. Jacob’s senses wouldn’t let him forget that. His body responded to his sense memory almost immediately.He threw his arms over his face, trying to dispel the image, trying to shut it out, but it was no use. It had been real.The idea of having to go to school on Monday sent waves of dread through him. He already planned to miss his morning practice; He couldn’t face the guys on the team right now, but he couldn’t justify missing the evening practice as well. Even more so than before, he felt like they would just know by looking at him.And what if Seth hadn’t kept his mouth shut? He said he talked to the girls about this kind of stuff. What if it got out? He didn’t think Seth would do that to him, but the anxiety sti
Sarah tasted sweet. Her soft lips against Jacob's felt like velvet and her breath smelled like mint. The first time she had kissed him under the bleachers it had been a whirlwind of a kiss, but this was delicate and reserved. He could feel her smile.Even without sexual attraction, there was something special about a good kiss. This kiss with Sarah was a good kiss. It felt safe and comforting, and like they had been able to create a space for a moment that was just for them, where none of Jacob's other worries could touch them.Sarah put a hand on Jacob's chest and pulled away, biting her lower lip."This is really happening?" Sarah asked, clearly still apprehensive about Jacob's intentions. "I mean, you like me?"Jacob wasn't sure how to respond. He did like her, but probably not in the way she wanted him to. She was sweet and friendly, and more interesting than half the cheer squad. She was intelligent and kind to those who were less popular than her. J
Jacob asked the first question that came to mind, "What happened to you?""Like you even care," Seth spat back.Jacob bristled at that. He wanted to not care. He thought he didn't care but for some reason Seth's assertion that he didn't stung."Of course, I care!" he retorted."Right, like you're the only person who's allowed to punch me?" Seth's voice dripped with sarcasm."That's not... ugh!" This was not going how Jacob had planned. "That's not what I needed to talk to you about.""What then? I need to go catch my ride," said Seth."I need to make sure you're not going to say anything," Jacob finally said."About what?""About Friday," said Jacob with exasperation."Ah, right. Don't worry, you're secret's safe with me. I won't say anything." Seth looked away, but he finally seemed serious, and perhaps a little disappointed.Jacob visibly relaxed. "Thank God," he said. "I might actually get things to work
Jacob downed two drinks in the kitchen with Dana before he could get his nerves under control. He didn't plan to get wasted like last weekend, but there was no way he was going to make it through the rest of this party sober."What's got you all frazzled?" asked Dana."It's nothing," said Jacob. "I'm not great with large groups of people.""I know what you mean," said Dana. "Why do you think I'm in the kitchen myself? Don't get me wrong, I love a good party, and I love that people are having fun, but sometimes I just need a break, you know?"Jacob chuckled. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.""It's cool. It's nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone's different," she said with a smile. "You can hide out in the kitchen any time. There's also rooms upstairs. You don't have to be fuckin' to hide out in one."Jacob actually blushed. He knew people knew his reputation, but it wasn't something he spent much time talking about. He realized he had pr
"You just started dating, it shouldn't be too hard to break things off, especially if you tell her the truth," Seth suggested."I can't do that!" Jacob lamented. "First, she was so excited. Second, I still don't want anyone else to know. If I break up with her without giving a reason she'll be devastated. I’ll feel like such an asshole.""You are the asshole, remember? You haven't been dating long, how devastated could she be?""How devastated would you be?"They sat in silence."Fuck. If I break up with her, how am I going to keep up the charade with the other girls? The only reason they're leaving me alone now is because I'm dating Sarah."
Jacob sat alone in the darkness. What did he just do? He could hear his heartbeat in his ears as realization began to spread through his brain. He had admitted he liked Seth. He was still dating Sarah. Did that mean he was cheating on Sarah with Seth? Or was he cheating on Seth with Sarah? Seth knew about Sarah, so he supposed it must be Sarah getting the shittiest end of the stick here. They were using her. Guilt ripped through his chest at the thought. He wasn’t lying when he told her he liked her. He did. She was kind. She didn’t deserve this, but what else could they do? He would have to tell her eventually, but he knew he wouldn’t have the guts to do it yet. Seth liked him. As much dread as he felt thinking about what all this meant, he had an eq
Monday morning practice brought relief to Jacob's nerves. He always felt better on the court. This was his place, his purpose. The familiar feel of the bumpy rubber texture in his hands before a free-throw was comforting. He extended his arm and released the ball from his fingertips. It flew through the air and he felt at peace. The ball swished through the net of the basket, not even close to the rim. That was bliss.Practice ended and brought Jacob back to the present. For the first time since he joined, Jacob ended with the rest of the team. He didn't even notice their presence. They were just other guys; it's not like they were Seth. They were different now. The world was segregated into Seth and Not-Seth.Bret noticed Jacob was with them. "Look at you! Not doing overtime today? Finally giving the rest of us a chance to catch up?" It was no secret tha