“What?” Jacob touched his face reflexively. He and Seth were almost nose to nose. He couldn’t move. His heart was pounding so hard he was sure Seth could hear it. All of his skin felt warm. It’s just the alcohol, Jacob thought to himself. It has to be just the alcohol. He knew it wasn’t. Seth’s lips were pink, and the side where Jacob had split his lip was plump and a little darker.
“Maybe you’re just scared. Maybe I make you uncomfortable. Or maybe you have checked me out after all,” Seth said softly. Jacob could feel Seth’s breath as he spoke. It was sweet but carried the sharp edge of the vodka and smoke. The smell of him was intoxicating.
Jacob could picture his friends on Monday. He would walk into school and they would know. He could see himself bloodied in the gym. He could see the look of disgust on his father’s face at home as he was thrown out. What a disgrace he was. He could see the judgment in his father’s eyes. He could also see his life as it was before. He could feel himself screaming inside every day, constantly afraid that someone would find out, afraid of that look on his father’s face. He remembered all the days he practiced extra long on the court so he could change after everyone was gone and avoid the possibility of suspicion. Why did he do it? Would he spend the rest of his life living in fear of people finding out? Which life was really worse, having bad things happen to who he really was, or constantly fearing the bad things while living the lie? He was making his own hell.
Jacob was terrified. He wanted to get up and run out the door. He wanted to pretend he and Seth had never started talking. He wanted to like women. He wanted, more than anything, to feel what he was feeling right now when he was sitting next to Cindy or Ashley from school. But it wasn’t Ashley or Cindy sitting next to him now. It was Seth Thompson sitting there, and Jacob’s body didn’t want to go anywhere.
“I’m not scared of shit, asshole.” For the second time that day, Jacob’s body acted before he knew what he was doing. He crushed his mouth to Seth’s. Warmth flooded from Seth’s lips to his. He could taste the bite of the vodka and the coppery tinge of blood from the split he put there earlier. His body was on fire. His skin tingled anywhere it touched Seth’s. He felt simultaneously like he was going to melt and as if he was the strongest man in the world. He could take on the world; he could certainly take on his friends. He could worry about the rest later.
The flood of sensations nearly overwhelmed him. It surprised Jacob how enjoyable it was to kiss Seth. This was Seth Thompson, after all. Didn’t he hate Seth Thompson? He thought he did.
Jacob felt Seth grab the side of his face, pulling him deeper into the open-mouthed kiss. Jacob’s heart skipped and dance in his chest. Their breaths came in short bursts as their tongues searched for one another.
Jacob’s last kiss had been with Sarah Williams when they had a quick tryst beneath the bleachers after the last game. She had made it clear earlier in the day that she was interested, and he had allowed her to follow him into the secluded area. She had been on him as soon as they were out of view. She had hungrily mouthed at his lips, and he responded in kind. He was used to that with Women. They always tasted like perfume and lipstick, soft and wet.
Seth tasted like alcohol and cigarettes; like secrets and rainstorms. Kissing wasn’t unpleasant with women, but he never could have imagined what it would feel like to kiss someone who set his skin on fire. If kissing was this exhilarating, sex would be on a completely different level, and he found himself grappling at Seth’s bare skin under his shirt, and longing to --
What?
Jacob broke the kiss.
“Well, that was unexpected,” drawled Seth, clearly pleased with himself.
“That was a mistake,” spat Jacob, his heart now pounding for a different reason. What had he done? He had been arrogant and drunk. All his efforts to reform himself suddenly made worthless. He felt himself craving to return to that kiss, to return to that feeling of power, that rush of adrenaline and hormones, but he was more terrified of it now than he had been before. He wanted it. He wanted it bad, and that scared him. “I have to go,” he said without looking at Seth.
“Go? You’re still drunk. Are you really going to walk home like that in the dark?” Seth sat up on the bed, genuinely concerned.
“It’s fine. It’s only a couple of miles.” He could use the walk to sober up before getting home. God knows he didn’t want to have that conversation with his parents, either. Jacob pushed himself up from the bed.
Seth stood up and tried to help him up.
“Stay the fuck off me.” Jacob slapped Seth’s hand away. He felt guilty at the hurt in Seth’s eyes, but couldn’t bring himself to apologize. He had to get out of here. He had to get away from the temptation and clear his head.
“Hey, asshole, it was you who kissed me, okay?” Seth’s hurt turned quickly to indignation.
“Fine, whatever. Forget it happened. I’m out of here.” Jacob stumbled his way down the stairs and out into the cool night air. He breathed deeply and slowed his racing heart, but he couldn’t slow his thoughts.
Jacob replayed the evening in his head as he walked. It was Seth who invited him over. It was Seth who gave him alcohol. It was Seth who leaned in so close. He was clearly goading Jacob into action. He had intentionally tempted him. It wasn’t Jacob’s fault. His only mistake was following Seth home in the first place. That asshole had even blackmailed him into following. It was all Seth’s fault. Jacob didn’t do anything wrong. This was his last temptation… Now, he could get things right.
The memory of the warmth of Seth’s lips blocked everything else out of Jacob’s mind.
“God Dammit!” he shouted at the night. Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, he heard his father say.
The warm, soft sensation of Seth’s lips against his trailed through Jacob’s memory as he lay in bed Saturday morning. Real lips; not a dream of celebrities, or unbidden fantasy; real lips. It didn’t matter at the moment who's they were, they were real. Jacob’s senses wouldn’t let him forget that. His body responded to his sense memory almost immediately.He threw his arms over his face, trying to dispel the image, trying to shut it out, but it was no use. It had been real.The idea of having to go to school on Monday sent waves of dread through him. He already planned to miss his morning practice; He couldn’t face the guys on the team right now, but he couldn’t justify missing the evening practice as well. Even more so than before, he felt like they would just know by looking at him.And what if Seth hadn’t kept his mouth shut? He said he talked to the girls about this kind of stuff. What if it got out? He didn’t think Seth would do that to him, but the anxiety sti
Sarah tasted sweet. Her soft lips against Jacob's felt like velvet and her breath smelled like mint. The first time she had kissed him under the bleachers it had been a whirlwind of a kiss, but this was delicate and reserved. He could feel her smile.Even without sexual attraction, there was something special about a good kiss. This kiss with Sarah was a good kiss. It felt safe and comforting, and like they had been able to create a space for a moment that was just for them, where none of Jacob's other worries could touch them.Sarah put a hand on Jacob's chest and pulled away, biting her lower lip."This is really happening?" Sarah asked, clearly still apprehensive about Jacob's intentions. "I mean, you like me?"Jacob wasn't sure how to respond. He did like her, but probably not in the way she wanted him to. She was sweet and friendly, and more interesting than half the cheer squad. She was intelligent and kind to those who were less popular than her. J
Jacob asked the first question that came to mind, "What happened to you?""Like you even care," Seth spat back.Jacob bristled at that. He wanted to not care. He thought he didn't care but for some reason Seth's assertion that he didn't stung."Of course, I care!" he retorted."Right, like you're the only person who's allowed to punch me?" Seth's voice dripped with sarcasm."That's not... ugh!" This was not going how Jacob had planned. "That's not what I needed to talk to you about.""What then? I need to go catch my ride," said Seth."I need to make sure you're not going to say anything," Jacob finally said."About what?""About Friday," said Jacob with exasperation."Ah, right. Don't worry, you're secret's safe with me. I won't say anything." Seth looked away, but he finally seemed serious, and perhaps a little disappointed.Jacob visibly relaxed. "Thank God," he said. "I might actually get things to work
Jacob downed two drinks in the kitchen with Dana before he could get his nerves under control. He didn't plan to get wasted like last weekend, but there was no way he was going to make it through the rest of this party sober."What's got you all frazzled?" asked Dana."It's nothing," said Jacob. "I'm not great with large groups of people.""I know what you mean," said Dana. "Why do you think I'm in the kitchen myself? Don't get me wrong, I love a good party, and I love that people are having fun, but sometimes I just need a break, you know?"Jacob chuckled. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.""It's cool. It's nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone's different," she said with a smile. "You can hide out in the kitchen any time. There's also rooms upstairs. You don't have to be fuckin' to hide out in one."Jacob actually blushed. He knew people knew his reputation, but it wasn't something he spent much time talking about. He realized he had pr
"You just started dating, it shouldn't be too hard to break things off, especially if you tell her the truth," Seth suggested."I can't do that!" Jacob lamented. "First, she was so excited. Second, I still don't want anyone else to know. If I break up with her without giving a reason she'll be devastated. I’ll feel like such an asshole.""You are the asshole, remember? You haven't been dating long, how devastated could she be?""How devastated would you be?"They sat in silence."Fuck. If I break up with her, how am I going to keep up the charade with the other girls? The only reason they're leaving me alone now is because I'm dating Sarah."
Jacob sat alone in the darkness. What did he just do? He could hear his heartbeat in his ears as realization began to spread through his brain. He had admitted he liked Seth. He was still dating Sarah. Did that mean he was cheating on Sarah with Seth? Or was he cheating on Seth with Sarah? Seth knew about Sarah, so he supposed it must be Sarah getting the shittiest end of the stick here. They were using her. Guilt ripped through his chest at the thought. He wasn’t lying when he told her he liked her. He did. She was kind. She didn’t deserve this, but what else could they do? He would have to tell her eventually, but he knew he wouldn’t have the guts to do it yet. Seth liked him. As much dread as he felt thinking about what all this meant, he had an eq
Monday morning practice brought relief to Jacob's nerves. He always felt better on the court. This was his place, his purpose. The familiar feel of the bumpy rubber texture in his hands before a free-throw was comforting. He extended his arm and released the ball from his fingertips. It flew through the air and he felt at peace. The ball swished through the net of the basket, not even close to the rim. That was bliss.Practice ended and brought Jacob back to the present. For the first time since he joined, Jacob ended with the rest of the team. He didn't even notice their presence. They were just other guys; it's not like they were Seth. They were different now. The world was segregated into Seth and Not-Seth.Bret noticed Jacob was with them. "Look at you! Not doing overtime today? Finally giving the rest of us a chance to catch up?" It was no secret tha
Jacob followed Seth up the cement walkway to his door. On his last visit to this house, he had been angry, apprehensive, and a bit guilty. He hadn’t been aware of anything but the possibility someone would soon out him if he didn’t get ahead of the situation. How things had changed in just over a week. He was still apprehensive, but this time it was an exciting, arousing apprehension that brought a blush to his face and amplified his senses.He noticed the boxwood bushes that lined the yard between Seth’s townhouse and the next, and the overgrown rose bushes in the small garden along the front of the house. The yard was otherwise completely empty. The house was pale grey with bare windows curtained on the inside with heavy drapes. The houses on either side were freshly painted, with pale yellow on one side and sky blue on the other. Seth’s house looked worn, with knicks and de