07 Julie

I WHISTLED WITHOUT sound repeatedly while we're driving to their mansion. I'm calming myself down.

“Girl, what are you doing?” tanong ni Roma sabay sulyap saglit sa akin.

“Kinakabahan ako. Paano kung hindi ako magustuhan ni Tita Korina sa plano mo?”

He snorted which eventually led to his laughter. “Bish, we're not fucking getting married. Loosen up, you're too uptight.”

“Sorry, kinakabahan lang. This is like the first time I'll be seeing Tita Korina again after a long time.”

I licked my lips before biting it. I'm still worried that maybe until now, Tita Korina still hadn't forgiven me for ruining Rome's love story.

I was stunned when we got into Roma's property. Nasa isang mamahaling subdivision iyon na kilala sa bansang ito bilang tirahan ng mga celebrity, businesspeople, at iba pa. Elevated ang location ng lugar kaya manghang-mangha ako sa overlooking na tanawin ng siyudad sa gabing iyon. Pagpasok namin sa matayog nilang gate ay agad na bumungad sa akin ang napakalaking mansyon ni Roma na katas ng kanyang pagsisikap at pagtupad sa pangarap niya. Nanliit ako bigla sa sarili ko. Naturingan pa naman akong top student noong high school at magna cum laude sa kolehiyo pero wala, e. Sadyang sobrang ilap ng swerte sa mga taong katulad ko. The reason why I didn't wonder why despite working hard, I always lived hard. It's because life's unfair.

“Julie, my dear! How are you? Gumanda ka lalo, hija! Kumusta nang mga magulang mo? Si Jillian dalaga na ba? Iyong Ate Julia mo?”

Nagulat ako nang salubungin ako ni Tita Korina nang mahigpit na yakap at beso sa magkabilang pisngi ko.

I blinked as I stared her. Mayamaya pa ay lumambot din naman ang ekspresyon ko dahil napatunayan ko namang tunay ngang napakabuti ng Pamilya Buendia. When their OFW father died, their whole family migrated here and had received all the inheritance their patriarch had worked hard for. Doon nagsimula si Roma sa pagtupad ng pangarap niya at dito rin umusbong at nagtagumpay ang karerang tinahak niya.

“I‘m sorry, tita...” I apologized instead of greeting her back.

Tita Korina's expression softened. “Oh, Julie... You're long forgiven. Ano ka ba? That was ages ago! Sino ba sa atin ang hindi pa nakaka-move on?!”

Sinulyapan ko si Roma na nasa likuran lamang niya nakatayo. Mabilis naman itong nag-iwas ng tingin at tumalikod.

“Mom, nandito na ba si Sydney and my pamangkins? I‘m starving!” he said instead to purposely divert the topic.

Pagdating ni Sydney na kapansin-pansin na ang umbok sa tiyan at ng babae niyang anak na mukhang nasa preschool pa ay nagsimula na kaming kumain. Wala ang Kuya Philip nila at ang pamilya nito dahil sa ibang state ang mga ito nakatira at bumibisita lang sa kanila tuwing bakasyon o ‘di kaya ay tuwing weekends. Si Tita Korina ang nakaupo sa may kabisera. Magkatabi naman kami ni Sydney. Tapos si Roma ay nakikipagkulitan sa cute at kikay niyang pamangkin.

“I‘ve heard payag ka na sa setup, Ate Julie. May experience ka na ba?” panunukso ni Sydney na sinamahan niya pa nang paghagikhik.

“Syd...” saway ni Tita Korina sa kanya.

“What, mom? I'm just asking.”

“Wala pa...” pag-amin ko.

Ramdam ko na ang panginginit ng pisngi ko lalo na no'ng magkatinginan kami ni Roma. Umirap siya samantalang nagbaba naman agad ako ng tingin.

“Bish, why don't you just eat so that my pamangkin in your tummy gets as healthy as you are now.”

“I‘m just asking. But I'm already excited for your baby, Kuya Roma!” tili ni Sydney kahit wala pa naman.

“Julie, ipapadala mo ba lahat ng pera na napagkasunduan niyo ni Roma no'ng contract signing sa pamilya mo sa Pilipinas?” Tita Korina asked.

“Papadalhan ko po sila nang buong pambayad nila sa farm tapos kapital para sa gusto nilang negosyohin para po hindi na magtrabaho si tatay at iba pang mga kailangan nila at gastusin. Iyong iba naman po ay gagamitin ko sa mga pangangailangan ko at bayad sa renta sa tiny house ko po. Tapos ‘yong matitira po, ide-deposit ko po sa bangko para savings po sa future ni Jillian at ng mga pamangkin ko,” I enumerated my plans.

Tumango naman si Tita Korina. “So you really don't have plans of having your own family?”

Maagap naman akong umiling. “Ayoko po talaga.”

“Bakit naman, hija?”

“Siguro based on experience na rin po. Parang gusto ko munang magpahinga after everything. It might sound selfish but... gusto ko pong sarili ko naman po ang unahin ko pagkatapos kong maibigay sa pamilya ko ‘yong napangako kong magandang buhay sa kanila. Pagod na po kasi talaga ako, e,” I honestly retorted.

Tita Korina smiled at me thoughtfully before nodding.

“You don't want to meet your child?” Sydney suddenly queried.

Napabaling ako kay Roma para maghanap ng sagot. Tinaasan niya lang ako ng kilay na para bang sinasabing desisyon ko na iyon.

I bit my lips before finding the courage to speak. “Siguro... mas makabubuting hindi na niya ako makilala.”

I caught Roma pursed his lips. Naghintay ako na baka may masabi siya pero wala. Nanatiling tikom iyong bibig niya.

“E, sino ang ipapakilala ni kuya na nanay sa anak niya?”

Napairap naman si Roma. “Oh, come on, Sydney. Does your pregnancy really make you dumber each day? It's so easy. I'll just tell my baby that her mother's dead.”

“Roma...” mahinahong saway ni Tita Korina kay Roma naman sa pagkakataong ‘to. “I don't think that's a good idea.”

“You rather want me to tell that I just paid a baby maker and hurt my child with that truth, mom?”

Magsasalita pa sana si Tita Korina para depensahan ako nang unahan ko sana siya. “If ‘yon po ang makabubuti ay ayos lang po sa akin. Ayoko rin naman pong saktan ‘yong bata.”

Dumating ang asawa ni Sydney at saglit kaming sinaluhan sa hapag bago sila nagpaalam na aalis na. Nang matapos kami ay dinala naman ako ni Roma sa pangatlong living room nila. Si Tita Korina ay nagpaalam na ring magsisiyeta muna. I've noticed that they only have a few employees around the mansion. Just two helpers, one bodyguard, and driver. Roma explained that the whole gated community, or what he said to be most appropriately called and known for as suburb, was already highly secured.

“Here. Take this,” aniya sabay abot sa akin no'ng pantulog.

Tita Korina had asked me to spend the night here. Noong una ay tumanggi ako dahil iyong dalawang fur babies ko nasa labas pa kahit gabi na. Roma assured me that Tyra was on her way to my tiny house to take my babies inside. Doon ko rin nalaman na nagpakuha pala ng spare key si Roma sa bahay ko.

He was already wearing his pink silk robe. Mukhang wala siyang pang-itaas dahil nakasilip na naman iyong matipuno niyang dibdib. I took it from him and checked them. It was a terno silk lavender camisole and shorts. I usually wore pajamas to bed but I should not be picky this time because I wasn't at my territory. Pagkabigay niya no'n sa akin ay naupo agad siya sa sofa na nasa tapat ko, kinuha ang bote ng wine na dala niya kanina, binuksan, at nagsalin sa kopita niya. He then leaned his back on his seat and crossed his legs.

“‘He’ pa rin pala saka ‘his’ ‘yong pronouns mo kahit na genderfluid ka,” banggit ko bigla.

He stopped sipping on his wine and turned to look at me.

“Yeah, I had chosen those as my pronouns despite identifying myself as genderfluid. You know, this state uses masculine and feminine pronouns. Unlike Philippines wherein pronouns are very gender-inclusive. ‘Siya’ could mean a male, female, or whatsoever,” he explained.

Tumango at ngumiti. I'm somehow warming up again around him, and I think that's good.

“Alam mo, nag-aral ako tungkol sa sex and gender. May subject kami sa kolehiyo noon nang gano'n tapos siyempre, nagbabasa-basa rin ako sa internet para mas maunawaan ko pa. Sumasali rin ako ng mga seminar about SOGIE.”

Tumikwas ang isang kilay niya. “Really? What's your motivation for doing so?”

“Ikaw... Kayong dalawa ni Prince. Gusto ko kasing maintindihan kay–”

“Let's check if you really learned something,” he cut me off to prolly divert the subject. “What's the difference between sex and gender?”

“Sex is defined biologically. Ito ‘yong kung anong assigned sa atin at birth. Male or female. Tapos ‘yong gender naman ay associated sa characteristics ng babae at lalaki na socially constructed. Some of these characteristics include roles, norms, practices, clothing, and relationships. For example, pink for women and blue for men.  Another example, nasa bahay ‘yong babae tapos ‘yong lalaki naman ang nagtatrabaho,” I told him.

Pero nasa makabagong panahon na tayo at marami nang pagbabago. A lot of people have stepped forward to reject those notions and refuse to conform to those restricted standards about gender.

He just smirked and didn't say anything. Nagpatuloy pa ako sa pagpapaliwanag. Baka kasi nakukulangan siya sa explanation ko.

“Gender identity is how a person identifies himself or herself. Gender expression is how they outwardly express their gender identity. Pwedeng kagaya ni Tyra, na isang soft butch, na i-express iyong gender identity niya through pagsusuot ng mga masculine outfit.”

“And sexuality?” he asked.

“Sexuality or sexual orientation is 'yong sexual at emotional attraction ng isang tao towards sa member nang pareho or opposite sex or gender niya,” I answered.

“What's my sexual orientation, then?” tanong niya ulit.

“Pansexual.”

“Gender identity?”

“Genderfluid.”

“How about you? How do you identity yourself?” he asked, referring to my gender identity.

“Cisgender,” sagot ko agad.

My gender identity matched the sex assigned to me at birth which was female. That's why I identified myself as cisgender or simply straight.

“And sexual orientation?”

“Heterosexual...”

Nagtaas ulit siya ng kilay. “Bakit parang hindi ka sigurado?”

Hindi agad ako nakasagot. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. Isn't heterosexual means being attracted to the members of the opposite sex? Babae ako tapos biologically ay lalaki si Roma pero iyong gender identity niya lang ay fluid at pansexual din siya... Ano bang tawag sa attracted do'n?

“Naguguluhan ako...” pag-amin ko sa maliit na boses.

“Sa anong gender ka ba attracted?” he asked.

We locked eyes. He seemed eager to know, but really do not know what to say... Should I just mention his gender? I doubt he would like it.

“Mahalaga pa ba ‘yon? Basta ang alam ko lang ay isang tao lang ang minahal ko bukod sa pamilya ko sa tanang buhay ko,” I admitted in almost a whisper.

Umiwas ng tingin sa akin si Roma. He raised his wineglass and sipped on it again. We were then swallowed by an awkward silence. Of course, he had an idea...

He put down his wineglass atop the table, licked his lips, and turned to me again.

“Let's do it tonight,” saad niya.

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Bigla akong dinalaw ng kaba. Anong gagawin ko? Hindi ako pwedeng umayaw, naka-kontrata na ‘tong setup namin.

“D-Dito?” pumipiyok kong tanong. “B-Baka makita at marinig nila tayo...”

He laughed. “Of course not! We'll have sex in my room, bish.”

My cheeks heated at the amount of bluntness he was giving me. Hindi ako sanay. Nasanay ako sa Rome na mahinhin at mahiyain...

Tumayo siya at lumipat sa tabi ko. Nagulat ako nang kinuha niya ang mga binti at hita ko at inangat ang mga iyon palapag sa kandungan niya. Kinabahan ako pero hindi na ako nagtaka pa sa mga ganitong klaseng galawan. Roma clarified that he already had experience.

Parang may dumaloy na kuryente sa buong katawan ko nang taluntunin ng hintuturo niya ang binti ko nang paulit-ulit. I held my breath while he was doing that. Saka pa lang ako nakahinga nang tigilan niya iyon. Inangat niya ulit ang kamay para kuhanin ang fabric rose na inipit niya sa likod ng tenga ko. He just dropped it on the floor before his hand traced my neck to my nape and removed the necklace. Kinuha niya iyon at basta na lang ulit inilaglag sa sahig. He cupped my cheek with his right hand as he stared intently at me.

“Please give me my mini-me, Julie...” he spoke softly as if he was pleading.

That's when I get to see in his eyes the eagerness and determination to have his own child. Doon ko lang din natanto na magkakaiba talaga ang mga tao. Some wish for children and family while some just don't. Tunay ngang wala sa kasarian ang pagmamahal at kagustuhang bumuo ng isang pamilya. Palaging nasa tao ‘yan.

I smiled at him and nodded. He gently caressed my cheek with his thumb before he leaned in to kiss the free side. Para akong nakuryente nang dumampi ang labi niya sa pisngi ko. His lips slowly moved down until it reached the side of my lips. Huminto siya at muli akong tinitigan sa mga mata. Inangat ko ang kamay at hinawakan ang kamay niyang nasa pisngi ko. Bumaba ulit ang tingin niya sa labi ko saka sinunggaban ako ng halik. He cupped my both cheeks with hands and pulled me closer to him. His lips moved, giving me soft, gentle kisses that made me close my eyes as my mind began to wonder in the past.