The room was immersed in wholesome silence. The only sound heard was the slight grazing of the fork against the plate one in a while.
My eyes stayed glued to the fork in my hand, my breathing was weirdly slow, unlike usual. My tongue played in my dry mouth as my mind drifted back to Flare, my conversation with her today, her hurt look on her face, her notes. I didn't over do it, did I?
My mind drifted further down memoryville as echoes of her laughter, flashes of her smile and flashes of my own smile when I was with her. There was sincere peace in my eyes when I was with her. I could voice out and not feel judged. I could drop the whole trying to be the perfect kid born to classy parents.
But it was for the best. I was way out of her league. And for my status, I'm actually still shit. I'm anything like the regal rich kids you see. All proper and perfect. I was the direct opposite in crucial ways.
I was stuck with Hemophilia, Heterochromia. My left eye had a slight discolouration— it was a lighter shade, nearly green. I had some psychological issues going on with me. More like my demons are rearing out. I couldn't bag the best honors like my brother, I couldn't get into college. I was reeking of failure. Besides, I'd never be able to introduce her to my family as a friend or bring her to my home properly. My parents would never hear of it. So it was for the best. We could never be friends.
"Stop playing with your food!"
My eyes immediately snapped up at the direction of the order."There are dinning room etiquette, and I believe I taught them to you." Briana said while dropping her glass of mango juice.
I lowered my eyes, knowing I wasn't hungry. My appetite has being quite thin for a while now. But I had to eat so I could have my morning meditation. Knowing that, I forced myself to have a bite of the vegetables in my plate, contorting my face as I chewed on the green beans and diced broccoli. I hate vegetables but irony was my body needed them more than the others, so I had no choice.
Having had my fill, I wiped my mouth on the napkin and stood, taking my leave. I made my way to the library. It was my second favourite place.
My dad had a habit of reading so he made us inculcate it. He'd buy lots of books and make us read it, then explain it to him, just so he could confirm that we read it. Eventually, we had a room filled with books which we had arranged alphabetically and by author. It was truly a sacred place.
I plopped myself down on the wooden chair and buried my head on the burrow I made with my arms on the table. I sighed deeply, not understanding the pain and supreme tiredness I was feeling. Pain and tiredness wasn't new to me but this was particularly different.
I grabbed my favourite book, Othello by Shakespeare and sat, running my hand along the spine of the book. I opened the book and it landed on a page that I had a left a note in. I skimmed the page, reading the parts I had highlighted with a light blue highlighter. I took the note and read it:
Let heaven and men and devils, let them all, All, all, cry shame against me, yet I'll speak. I kissed thee ere I killed thee: no way but this, Killing myself, to die upon a kiss.
It was my favourite part of the book. The first sentence being the one I adored the most. I sighed, not sure how I wanted to go about my day. I've got to study, yet that picture I found kept bothering me. I needed answers.
As much as I had considered asking my father about it, I was beginning to rethink it. Who knows what he's response will be. Asking my mother is definitely out of it. Then the thought of my grandmother came to me again. Right now, I'm guessing she's my only option. She's never lied to me; and if she knows anything about the picture, she's bound to tell me. But something deep down hints at the fact that the details about the picture, will be limited to just my nuclear family.
Oscar. Of course. He's my Elder brother, he's definitely got to know something. But what if he didn't? Well, I'd take my chances when he gets back. I really wouldn't want my parents to know about me having the picture just yet. Incase it's something I'm not meant to have.
I pick myself up from the chair, taking the book with me. I rub my neck, cracking the tensed muscles in it. I had feared it would grow stiff with all the inbuilt tension.
I glanced at my phone and bit my lip. The alarm for my morning drug was done. I quickly darted to my room and straight for my nightstand. Digging out my pills, I set them on the table and sat down. I began carefully pouring out my medication and swallowing them. I downed a glass of water and exhaled sharply.
I really was tired of being cooked up inside my room, in my house. I really missed my days of high school. At least I got to go somewhere, everyday.
My phone dinged, it was a message from Blanco. A guy that I shared chemistry class with severely back then in high school. I remember the day he took my number. He was never really good in chemistry and he's grades were dropping really bad. And since we were partners in chemistry projects a lot, I'd just do most of the work then explain to him later. He was grateful to me because he's grades picked up really quick, then suggested we exchange numbers. I really didn't want to do it, but after him being persuasive for nearly a week, I finally gave in.
I read he's message and it was weirdly funny. Apparently he's going to Harvard. He's parents decided Harvard was a better option for him. But he's sulking because he wanted to go to the Harrisburg University of Science and Technology, Pennsylvania. With a small smile on my face, I replied with a puppy dog eye emoji.
I wouldn't say Blanco was fully my friend, but he's really been a vibe for the boring and tiresome days. Always with the positive energy. Just like Flare. I winced at the thought my subconscious was putting up. A ding from my phone reverted my attention. It was Blanco sending me a crying emoji. How dramatic can this guy be? I decide to reply with a text that read:
Looks like I'd be seeing you there. I'm taking their entrance exam in a week's time. I really do wish you luck.
Just when I had just clicked on the send icon, a reply came shortly after. That definitely was fast. It's usually him doing most of the texting. Sometimes I view he's messages and decide not to reply, other times I just forget about him. My life is really antisocial and preoccupied for friendship. But today, I just decided to indulge him.
He's reply was surprisingly funny. It read:
You really shouldn't be wishing me good luck. I'm team bad luck here. Last month, I emailed my grades and documents, requesting an admission into Harrisburg. I doubt they'd reject me because I aced all my courses. Harvard can go kiss my ass.
I shook my head at his words and sent a smiley faced emoji to him. I stuck my phone in my pocket, deciding to go to the public library. I've never been there but today, I just feel like being somewhere serene. And away from my house.
I got another layer of bandages on my hand as a result of my episode the other day. Apparently I had dug my fists into a mirror and crashed into the sink. It was a bloody mess.
After a quick bath, I pulled on a white fitted Turtleneck and black jeans along with my white air jordans that had grey streaks on it. I grabbed my long Black coat and took my black sunglasses. My hair was quite messy but not my problem. I just brushed it out a little and pulled it into a messy bun. I hissed at the fact that I was wearing a white T-shirt but today, I just felt like going out of my ordinary look. Spraying my favourite cologne, I grabbed my phone and left my room, locking my door behind me. Incase they decide to snop.
Tossing the key in my pocket, I strolled down the stairs and into the living room. I would have gone further but my steps were haulted by the commanding baritone."Where to son?"I sighed bitterly and gritted my teeth in irritation. "Out! I'm going out. I would be back for dinner.""You're going out? really? Eldse, do not step a foot out of this house." He spat out with anger brewing in his voice."I'm visiting a library father, not a nightclub. I'm nineteen for fucks sake. I can at least go there." I really wasn't asking for his permission."You live under my roof, you obey my rules. We have a library inside, use it. Besides, you've got exams in a week so outside..." he peered his eyes at me as he took a sip of his wine, "is out of it. And do not question my order, do not defy me." He added in a low voice."I'd take my chances." I said and resumed my steps out of the house.
Having a driver take me was out of it and so was the option of taking a car. The gate would definitely have me locked in and so will the bodyguards. So I did what my mind told me to do. Run before they even notice me and it worked. I was out of the premises before those guys could comprehend my presence.
But then I knew I was in for hell when I get home. The text I got from my father confirmed it:
We'd revisit this insolence of yours when you get home. Or rather, when they find you and bring you home. Have a nice day son.
Shit! The greeting at the end made the text even more threatening. This guy really gave me psycho vibes.
The library was huge and a little occupied. People sat around with books in front of them. Finding the library wasn't hard once I had my G****e map turned on.I made my way to the lady sitting at the front desk. Her eyes glanced up to mine as she pressed her lips together tightly. "How can I help you sir?" She politely asked while silently ogling me.I rolled my eyes. Of course I had some reckless manly charm, but the ogling wasn't necessary. It put me in an uncomfortable mood. Reasons why I personally don't go out. I dislike the stares because apparently I stuck out like a sore thumb.I adjusted my nose mask and replied, "uh, historian books please. And British poetry. Also, some books on psychology would be appreciated." I briefly said. "Oh, right this way then." She smiled at me and left her post, beckoning on me to follow her, which I did with my hands stuffed in my pan
My throat immediately went dry as I lowered my face, bringing it close to the textbook on the table. I trailed him from the corner of my eyes, talking to the lady behind the front desk. No doubt he was asking of me.I didn't do anything wrong, I just went to the library. Was visiting a library a crime now? I closed my eyes and secretly put on my nose mask. If he's going table by table, then it would take a while till he reaches my table. I quietly stood up, packed my books into the crook of my arm and began walking away as unsuspecting as possible. "Hey. Hey. Hey. Excuse me, where are you going?" I heard her ask. I ignored her, increasing my pace while trying to stealthily leave without him noticing. I had a hand stuffed in the pocket of my coat, eyes lowered till I made it out of the door.I made my way down the stairs and contemplated stopping a cab. Would you want to walk and get caught? Wouldn't even matter s
It was two days to my exam and I haven't exactly seen my parents. I rarely left my room. I really did want to prove to him that I can get accepted into Harvard. I'm not a dummy.I sighed, extremely tired and tensed. I needed a break from everything. My toxic self and the toxic environment. I haven't seen Oscar since my outburst. I heard that he was going to be back in a week which I couldn't wait for. I needed to ask him about the picture. But all aside, I needed fresh air. Outside air.I got up and pulled on my maroon coloured hoodie and black Joggers. I had a band worn across my hair to keep my hair slinged back. I grabbed my black nike slides and put them on. I pulled on my hoodie and quietly slipped out of my room.Everywhere was silent, which implied everyone was asleep and it was perfect for me to slip out into the darkness. I had no where in mind, I just wanted to walk around, under the night sky with
I turned off the shower, cursing inwardly with my deep breaths echoing in my bathroom. It's been a week since the incident and though every part of me was wishing for it to be all a dream, it was a real as the water dripping from me. I had kissed her. I freaking shouldn't have but what frustrated me the most was the fact no matter how hard I've tried to regret it, I couldn't. It was too fucking nice.What if she had some kinda disease? Herpes? I shunned my thoughts because I was running crazy. I had been thinking about her before because I had felt bad for saying all I did to her, but now, it's entirely different. All my mind kept drifting to was her lips, her touch, her sensual voice, the way my body came alive burning with reactions that I didn't even know existed in me.It wasn't my first time of being kissed. I had been kissed a lot in middle school and a couple times in high school. I avoided girls and everything dramatic.