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Chapter Seventeen
Chapter seventeen
December 24th
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Theo
It’s not until I’m halfway to my parent’s house that I notice I’m still wearing Sam’s sweatshirt, and it’s keeping me insanely warm. I don’t even know if it’s the thick material or just the memories from tonight that’s keeping my stomach warm and my cheeks flushed as I drive and drive in the quiet night and think about him.
In a way, it feels right to finally know exactly how he feels about me, but on the other side, it’s terrifying to know that I have someone to share my life with. I never intended for this to happen, yet here I am, dating Sam. Beautiful, kind, courageous, righteous Sam.
I’m walking a tightrope, tossing a coin in the air for him. It might just be the greatest thing in the world, or it could destroy me. The spontaneity of it all makes me ask myself whether it’s meant to last forever or if it’s somet
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Sam After dinner is served for the patrons, I head to the break room to send Theo a quick text. We have been texting a little during the day, not teenager style, because although I’d love that, we both have been busy all day. It doesn’t feel that way though, I don’t feel the need to be where he is at all times. As long as I know he’s safe, I’m happy. Sam (9:55 p.m): Hey the violin dude replacing you sucks Sam (9:55 p.m): wish you and your piano hands were here Sam (9:55 p.m): he’s good, but he’s not you I bite my lip and glance at my screen, waiting for his response. I know that once the third course needs to be served, I’ll have to dash out, but for now, I’ve got some time. The blue dots that indicate he’s typing show up after a beat, and then disappear before reappearing. I’m dying to know what he’s writing and rewriting. Theo (21:58): Don’t you dare insult a classical musician ever again in my presence Theo (21:58): But I wi
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Nineteen
SamDinner runs late. It’s about four in the morning when guests have finally gone home. The decoration was beautiful, and the menu looked delicious although I didn’t get to try anything because George forgot to set a plate aside for me. All in all, I can safely say it was a success. My feet are heavy, and my arms are tired, so I head into the staff room and plop down into one of the small sofas. The very same Theo sat in a few days ago when he thought I was here on a date.Once I explained the whole thing to him on the phone, he relaxed. We talked it out and laughed about it, and I could feel a weight being lifted off my chest. I’ve had my fair experience with jealous exes, and that I can handle. The screaming, the checking my phone when I’m asleep…not so much. Theo doesn’t seem like he’s into that, though. He didn’t even want to know her name. What a relief.I take my black bow tie off, and then I curse myself f
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty
Sam March 28th Theo passes me a ceramic plate piled with all sorts of cupcakes as he plops down next to me, “Here you go, Sam.” I kiss his cheek as I start eyeing the cherry flavoured one. We’re in the front room of his parent's mansion taking a break from all the noise and bustle on the lawn. When I say mansion, I mean it. It’s got a long driveway with tall pines and a stable and carved wood on its walls. This is the house he grew up in, and it’s chilling to imagine him roaming these long hallways alone. From what he’s told me, his parents were mad busy all the time, so he used to be alone a lot during this childhood. It’s his Pam, his sister’s 13th birthday, and he chose the occasion to finally bring me home. I don’t know why he thought introducing me at an event with a party of a hundred people was a good idea. Most of them are his relatives, and it’s obvious everyone is posh and wealthy like he is. They haven’t been terri
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-one
TheoAfter guests have left, I lead us to the back of the lawn, all the way where the property fence blends with the trees. It used to be my hiding spot when I was a child. During long events or fancy dinners, I’d come out here to be alone. When I got older, and I got into the habit of smoking, I’d come here for a quiet cigarette, and finally, when Bryce and I met Elias, it used to be our drinking spot. We’d sit out here with stolen patio chairs and drink on hot summer nights while talking nonsense about our futures.Now, as adults, it’s the perfect spot to have a glass of wine and huddle underneath a cosy blanket. We stole a few chairs off the main lawn now that my parents have gone inside and some of Pam’s friends are up on their sleepover. They were adamant about having the whole cinema room to themselves, and they even got it decorated for the occasion. I think it sounds like a great time.It&rs
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter twenty-two Sam I sneak glances at Theo as his friends tell us the story of his childhood, and then, his teenage years. It’s obvious that his mum’s death had quite an impact on him. Perfectionist, success-driven Theo who has rushed through life to please anyone but himself. He never gave himself time to process his heartbreak or think about what he wanted next. I can tell how anxious he is, and this is something I’ve become familiar with in the past few months. I caress his hand to try to soothe him, and I don’t know if it works, but he squeezes my hand as a response every now and then. It’s heartbreaking to see him, looking down as everyone tells their funny travel stories. I watch his face going from thoughtful to straight-up sad as everyone laughs. He makes the occasional menacing comment, but I think he does it just to cover up his mood. It’s not that he couldn’t afford it. It’s just he cou
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Three
SamIt takes me a second to react as the bedroom door slams closed, and then I’m running after Theo. I’m not above running after him, and I don’t really care about what set him off, but I don’t want to see him cry like this because of me.I am disoriented in the dark, running through hallway after hallway until I reach the main stairs. It doesn’t matter that we’re being noisy, stomping down the stairs and slamming doors.I notice as I’m running out that Muppet’s walking and sniffing around, probably confused about the racket and strange setting. I barely manage to close the door after me so he doesn’t escape. By the time I’m out the front door, Theo is already outside, near his car.“Theo,” I call out to him.His hair is dripping water down his neck. He doesn’t look up. I try again, this time when I’m nearer, “Theo.”“What? Ple
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty- Four
Theo I didn’t know how bad my anxiety was until Sam came along. Logically, I knew my attacks of worrying and pacing around the house weren’t normal, but I didn’t know how much they affected me until now. Last week, we were lying in bed, and it was late. I couldn’t sleep and was staring at the ceiling, my heart racing wildly when he caressed my cheek. “You’re anxious. I can practically hear your brain going now. Like an old laptop,” He whispered in the dark. I threw both hands over my face and laughed at his description. This beautiful man. “Jesus Christ. I am, all the time. I think about every single thing that could go wrong about basically everything and anything in my life.” He removed my hands gently from my face and replaced them with his, forcing me to look at him. He was sitting up, scanning my face. I could barely see his eyes, but I
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Five
SamIt’s almost terrifying to watch Theo on the edge of a breakdown. When his anxiety is through the roof and he’s focusing all his energy on something, he’s an unstoppable force. His hair is falling around his face, wild and uncombed, just the way I prefer it. His movements are frantic as he is flipping through his books. I don’t know how he has the concentration to switch between books so quickly.Tomorrow is the defence of his dissertation, and he’s been restless all week. It’s an enormous deal. He gets to stand in front of a jury and talk about his research topic until he convinces them he’s worthy of being awarded the degree. I’ve never attended one of these ceremonies, but I’m madly curious about it.Now I’m here to witness him the night before, during the event, and then stay after to celebrate with him. I’ve no doubt in my mind that he’ll pas
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