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Chapter Twenty-Eight
Theo
I can’t help but let the wave of sadness that fills my chest drag me down. I feel guilty, like I did something wrong. Like He’ll finally see who I am and now that he’s gotten what he wanted, he’ll get up and leave.
He’s going to leave me. Loud laugh Sam, with his pretty lashes and his fluffy dog is going to leave me now. I can feel it. He’ll withdraw his arms from me in a second and get dressed, even at this hour. My tears are rolling freely, and I tuck my cheek in, trying to hide my face from him. The room isn’t even that dark, since he insisted on keeping the lamp on my bedside table on, and right now, I curse the light that shines on my face. I don’t want him to think I care. If he leaves now, I can at least try to pretend for a bit and once he’s gone, I can finally crumble.
At first, I don’t think he notices, but then I feel him lean over me. I stay dea
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a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty- Nine
SamEver since universities are on summer break, and Theo’s dissertation is done, he spends most of his time at my flat. He’s always doing something on his laptop, has his nose buried in a book or is out on one of his on long runs. I try to keep my daily routine, waking up early, work and then, during the evenings is where it changes. We spend every second of our time together, not always talking, but always in the same room. It’s not like my flat is big at all, but it’s nice to think about it.Today, he’s coming over to spend a whole week here, so I think it’s only fair that I give him some space for his stuff.I have a metal shower caddy that hangs over my shower head, so I clear the top shelf and accommodate my shampoo and body wash in the bottom one. Then, I empty one of the drawers in my dresser, shoving my underwear that was there in my sock drawer. It’s not like I have that many, anyway.My bathroom counter
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty
Sam’s stumbling around the room wakes me up. I roll over and tuck my hands between my thighs. Now that he’s opened the door to his bedroom, it’s so cold. I glance at his old alarm clock on the nightstand and I barely make out the time: 6:35 a.m. I groan and throw my arm over my eyes. I don’t really know how he does it. By this time, before leaving for work, he has already showered, eaten breakfast and is all bouncy, smelling of his fresh cologne. Meanwhile, I’m losing the battle against sleep. I feel him kissing me good morning, a soft, gentle kiss that’s borderline sexy, but I grin against his lips anyway. “Bye.” I mumble. He kisses my cheek as a reply and I resist the urge to pull him back into bed. His breath smells like coffee and it instantly makes me crave a nice, sweet latte, not the ghastly instant stuff Simon likes to drink. Maybe later I’ll drop by the coffee shop downtown. It’s not like I have much planned. He tosses his house keys at
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-One
TheoI’ve only driven him once to work, but it’s a good fifteen minutes away from the flat. Most of the way there we’re quiet, and I can tell he’s exhausted by the way he’s leaning on the window, with his hands tucked into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. He looks cozy this way, and I can’t help but reach and grab one of his hands.I don’t know what he’s done to me, but I can’t stop touching him. He squeezes my hand in return and grins lazily.Once we’re parked outside, Sam grabs his backpack and turns in his seat.“Wanna wait? Or you can just go home, it’s fine, I can call a cab when I’m done, or usually, I just crash at the clinic if it’s too late,” he explains like he thinks I will let him do that.I click my tongue, “Actually, can I come with you?”I don’t know why I asked that, I’ve got nothing to do at his
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Two
Sam I wake up feeling uneasy before my alarm goes off. There’s a feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake, like something is terribly wrong. I sit up quickly and try to make sense out of my room. It’s still dark outside. I pat on the bed, searching for Theo, and his absence scares me. He never wakes up before I do, not even when I sleep in on Sundays. My eyes burn a little as I squint and try to see if he’s in the bathroom, but from my bed, I can see the door is open and there’s no light coming from the inside. I’m up in a second, throwing on a sweatshirt from my pile of clothes and heading outside of my bedroom to find him. He’s not in the hallway, and he’s not at his keyboard. My chest feels tight, fear cooling my veins. What if he’s lost? What if he’s hurt? What if he left me. The long curtains in the living room flail around and catch my eye. The balcony is open wide. I spot him outside, sitting in one of the plastic chairs. He’s wearing my black
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Three
TheoI can’t help but choke up as I help Bryce do his tie properly. I know it’s not like anything is going to change, but it’s a cathartic experience to watch my cousin-slash-longtime-best-mate get married.I tug one last time and Elias passes him his tailcoat. I sigh as I take a look at him, and it dawns on me how special this moment is. We’ve been here all morning, in his childhood bedroom reminiscing of our favourite moments with Bryce and toasting to him with Champagne. Even a couple of his friends from uni joined us, and it's been an emotional journey for everyone involved.This is where we grew up, first it was only Bryce and I, and then when we started boarding school Elias joined us. We spent countless hours plotting and messing around and finding activities to keep us busy during long, boring summers, which eventually led to illegal drinking and then to not coming here at all.His stag party was a joke. It was held at my p
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Four
SamAfter the ceremony, we’re back in the Oblinger Mansion. Well, this is the second Oblinger mansion I've been to. His cousin's childhood home is beautiful and massive. The style is quite different from Theo’s childhood home, though. His is filled with dark wood and burgundy wallpaper and all sorts of dark accents, and this one has more of a French feel to it. The walls are white, carved in wood at the trimmings, and the ornamentation is either golden or made of light wood. This one resembles more of a big farmhouse. When I asked him about it, Theo said his uncles are old farmers, that sort of old money country people so that’s where the difference lies. It’s all very opulent, anyway.In no way, shape or form do they resemble the dingy care homes I grew up in, where we shared a toiled for ten people and hand rusty bunk beds with mattresses filled with bedbugs. I don't think he wants to hear all of that, though. At least not at a wedding.
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty Five
Theo After dinner, I leave my seat to go around other tables, saying hello to my extended family. It’s not very pleasant, but it’s something Father asked me to do, a social obligation, so I have to comply. I asked Sam to come along, but he said he’d rather die before meeting all those posh people, so he and his friends stayed seated at the table, abusing the open bar. I walk around the lawn, following the paths of roses that have been set between the tables. I start with my three aunts, old traditional ladies. One of them grabs my arm, “We’ve seen the arm candy you’ve brought, Theo,” she says, animatedly. I feel myself flushing, “Yeah, that’s my boyfriend.” I’m surprised by how little they care about my queerness. Aunt Mary coughs and elbows her sister, “What a stud. So gorgeous. What does he do for a living?” I lean down so I don’t have to shout over the music, “He’s a vet, he graduated university not too long ago,” “A
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty - Six
Sam“Hey, you got lost for a bit,” I say near his face, “Everything okay?”He nods weakly, “Tiptop. Let’s dance, baby.”He doesn’t give me a chance to reply as he drags me to the dance floor, right where Bryce is handing out shots. My friends are with him, screaming and dancing. They’re all pissed. They’re dancing like the world is going to end tomorrow. So, we join them.Theo is doing his best to follow along, but I can tell his heart is not in it. I can tell something is wrong by the frown that is marrying his beautiful face, but he refuses to call it a night, so I try to make the best of it, participating in group photos and whatnot. Still, it’s hard to get him to crack a real smile.I guess he’s saving whatever is bothering him for a more private setting, but I wish I knew what's wrong right now.TheoIt’s the end of the party, and everyone has either go
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