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The Demon's Accidentally Published Proposal
The Demon's Accidentally Published Proposal
Author: Purple Cashinx

Chapter 1

You told me from the start that you couldn't love.

But still my heart yearned for some response.

My hand reached out in the dark, hoping to touch you.

But only emptiness was there to meet it.

I danced around the fiery pentagram, chanting in Latin while dripping blood from a small cut on my finger into the center of the drawing made of grave dirt and bone, all the while keeping an eye out on the clock on the mantel.

I only had 15 minutes before my casserole was done.

Finishing the chant with the ease of years of practice, I leaned back to avoid the plume of Hellfire that spewed from the portal that opened up. Changing out of my ceremonial robes, I got back into my comfy pajamas and checked on my casserole while the new arrival was settling in.

She stood about eight feet tall, her head brushing the light fixture on the ceiling in my living room. Her four arms ended in long claws that dripped venom, making me glad that I thought to put a stain resistant rubber mat underneath the summoning circle. Her eyes burned with the flames of Hell, the fire that continuously lived within her, the source of her power. She grinned at me when I walked in with a bowl of my freshly made casserole, showing rows upon rows of pointed teeth.

"Hey Kara, is there any casserole left for me?"

I waved with my spoon before sitting down to dig into my meal.

"Hey Baph, help yourself, it's in the kitchen. I couldn't remember whether or not Satan still had you on the meat ban so left side is vegetarian."

"Nah he forgot all about that six months ago."

"Probably shouldn't scare the tourists by pretending to be him next time though."

Baphotera, the sixth highest lieutenant in Hell, sat down across from me, laughing as she began to eat the casserole as well.

"Yeah, but it was too funny showing up at a Satanist meeting and telling them to "Go out and do good deeds." She shook her head. "They were so confused!"

"Yeah, and Satan was pissed."

"Ugh, I had to be a vegetarian for a year, don't remind me." She chewed the pasta with obvious relish. "Either way, Kara, I'm sure you didn't summon me to help you eat your dinner, much as I appreciate the home-cooked meal. What's going on?"

I stared down at my bowl, a little unsure of how to begin. "So... your brother may be a little pissed at me come tomorrow."

"Valaac?" She cocked her head to the side, confused. "What did you do to piss him off?"

"Well... remember when we stopped talking last year?" She nodded to my question, obviously still confused. "I was really mad... and kind of drunk... and I maybe just sorta..." I paused and spoke out the rest in a quiet rush. "Wrote a book using him as the main character."

Baph laughed loudly, one of her hands slapping her knee. "Okay, that sounds pretty funny, but why..."

"I finished it in the same night, and submitted it to my best friend Alice who's in publishing. She thought it was hilarious that I drunk emailed her a book manuscript, and got the whole dang thing published and only told me today."

"That's... weird... but why would..."

"Look at it." I handed it over to her, shuddering at the picture of a handsome, passionate looking young man with computer drawn devil horns added on that graced the cover. Baph glanced at the picture on the front with a chuckle, and then read the back cover, her green face turning more and more blue and she did.

"This... is a crappy teen romance novel."

"Yep."

"You made him into an intense brooding romance lead paired with the most Mary Sue female lead ever."

My head ducked down. "Yep."

"You used his real name?!!!"

"Umm... only the first half. They can't forcibly summon him without the second half."

"But he'll still hear it when they try. There's going to be so many teenage girls trying to summon him once they read this... it will drive him insane!"

I scraped the bottom of my bowl with my spoon, but it was empty. "I realize that. It was the point of writing it... I think. I was really, REALLY drunk when I wrote this."

Baph finally broke. She laughed, so hard that she fell out of her chair and rolled around on the floor. I let her go on, having time to do the dishes and put away the leftovers before she finally calmed down.

"What I don't get is why you did this, Kara." She shook her head. "Whatever he did to piss you off... which was really stupid of him by the way... you could have destroyed him in response. You're the second strongest witch in the world right now, and that's only because Loretta is Satan's daughter that you aren't the strongest. You were kicking demon butt on the playground. You could fight Valaac blindfolded with both hands tied behind your back and you would still beat him without breaking a sweat."

I shrugged at her words, summoning my teapot to pour us some tea. "Your point?"

"Why didn't you just take him out if you were that angry?"

I thought it over, sipping quietly from my tea cup. "Well, at the time I thought that this would be worse than death."

"Being constantly summoned by star struck fourteen year olds?" She laughed again. "You may be right about that." Baph thumbed through the pages, chuckling to herself at different passages.

"'His heated gaze enveloped her'... he's going to hate this so much!"

"Yeah, so can you just block off the portal to my house for a good year or so?"

"Again you could just destroy him, and save yourself the trouble. What did he do to piss you off anyways?" 

"... Nothing that I want to talk about." I waved a hand, changing the subject. "Look, I just need you to block off the portal to my house for a while, so he can't drop in." 

"He wouldn't be able to do that anyways, only if you summoned him... unless..." She stared at my guilty expression. "You didn't perform a blood contract with him, did you?"

Ugh. I hated that she knew me so well. "It wasn't my brightest moment, alright? Now can you block off the portal or not?"

Baph sighed. "I can, but what do I get in return? Valaac is going to be pissed, and he's going to take it out on me if he can't get to you."

"I made you casserole." I reminded her.

"...Well then, I'm getting seconds." She got herself another bowl, and sat down again, eating thoughtfully. "Look, I'm not trying to be nosy..."

"Yes you are."

"Yes I am... but I think you should just talk this out with him. You two used to be really close when we were growing up. I know you haven't talked for a year but it can't be that bad right?"

I started cleaning up the remains from the summoning ritual. "You're just biased because he's your brother."

"Actually, demon siblings have a tendency to kill each other. Valaac is a rare sort. He only tried to eat me once when we were in the womb together. And even then he didn't try all that hard."

I couldn't help it, I laughed. "I sure he would appreciate the vote of confidence, but I burned all our bridges a year ago."

She finished her casserole and put the bowl to the side, her expression uncomfortable. "I know it's out of character for a demon to say this, but you should forgive him..."

Our gaze met, and she shrank back from the despair I knew was hidden there. "What makes you think he was the one who needed to be forgiven?"

We completed our transaction, signing the contract I had drawn up ahead of time in blood. Baph would block all the portals to my house for a year, and I owed her two more casserole dinners once it was over. I rolled up the paper, forcing a smile.

"Thanks."

"Anything for you, after you castrated that jerk Alax for attacking me in the tenth grade, I've owed you one."

"'Castrated' is a strong term. I merely forcibly showed him the errors of his ways."

"By kicking his balls up around his ears."

We laughed and hugged each other, and with a flash of sulfurous fumes she was gone. I sat down, sighing softly to myself, clutching the contract in my hands. It may not be enough to keep him from finding me, but it might make it difficult enough that he would give up. Closing my eyes, I rested my hands over them, tears seeping silently between my fingers.I danced around the fiery pentagram, chanting in Latin while dripping blood from a small cut on my finger into the center of the drawing made of grave dirt and bone, all the while keeping an eye out on the clock on the mantel.

I only had 15 minutes before my casserole was done.

Finishing the chant with the ease of years of practice, I leaned back to avoid the plume of Hellfire that spewed from the portal that opened up. Changing out of my ceremonial robes, I got back into my comfy pajamas and checked on my casserole while the new arrival was settling in.

She stood about eight feet tall, her head brushing the light fixture on the ceiling in my living room. Her four arms ended in long claws that dripped venom, making me glad that I thought to put a stain resistant rubber mat underneath the summoning circle. Her eyes burned with the flames of Hell, the fire that continuously lived within her, the source of her power. She grinned at me when I walked in with a bowl of my freshly made casserole, showing rows upon rows of pointed teeth.

"Hey Kara, is there any casserole left for me?"

I waved with my spoon before sitting down to dig into my meal.

"Hey Baph, help yourself, it's in the kitchen. I couldn't remember whether or not Satan still had you on the meat ban so left side is vegetarian."

"Nah he forgot all about that six months ago."

"Probably shouldn't scare the tourists by pretending to be him next time though."

Baphotera, the sixth highest lieutenant in Hell, sat down across from me, laughing as she began to eat the casserole as well.

"Yeah, but it was too funny showing up at a Satanist meeting and telling them to "Go out and do good deeds." She shook her head. "They were so confused!"

"Yeah, and Satan was pissed."

"Ugh, I had to be a vegetarian for a year, don't remind me." She chewed the pasta with obvious relish. "Either way, Kara, I'm sure you didn't summon me to help you eat your dinner, much as I appreciate the home-cooked meal. What's going on?"

I stared down at my bowl, a little unsure of how to begin. "So... your brother may be a little pissed at me come tomorrow."

"Valaac?" She cocked her head to the side, confused. "What did you do to piss him off?"

"Well... remember when we stopped talking last year?" She nodded to my question, obviously still confused. "I was really mad... and kind of drunk... and I maybe just sorta..." I paused and spoke out the rest in a quiet rush. "Wrote a book using him as the main character."

Baph laughed loudly, one of her hands slapping her knee. "Okay, that sounds pretty funny, but why..."

"I finished it in the same night, and submitted it to my best friend Alice who's in publishing. She thought it was hilarious that I drunk emailed her a book manuscript, and got the whole dang thing published and only told me today."

"That's... weird... but why would..."

"Look at it." I handed it over to her, shuddering at the picture of a handsome, passionate looking young man with computer drawn devil horns added on that graced the cover. Baph glanced at the picture on the front with a chuckle, and then read the back cover, her green face turning more and more blue and she did.

"This... is a crappy teen romance novel."

"Yep."

"You made him into an intense brooding romance lead paired with the most Mary Sue female lead ever."

My head ducked down. "Yep."

"You used his real name?!!!"

"Umm... only the first half. They can't forcibly summon him without the second half."

"But he'll still hear it when they try. There's going to be so many teenage girls trying to summon him once they read this... it will drive him insane!"

I scraped the bottom of my bowl with my spoon, but it was empty. "I realize that. It was the point of writing it... I think. I was really, REALLY drunk when I wrote this."

Baph finally broke. She laughed, so hard that she fell out of her chair and rolled around on the floor. I let her go on, having time to do the dishes and put away the leftovers before she finally calmed down.

"What I don't get is why you did this, Kara." She shook her head. "Whatever he did to piss you off... which was really stupid of him by the way... you could have destroyed him in response. You're the second strongest witch in the world right now, and that's only because Loretta is Satan's daughter that you aren't the strongest. You were kicking demon butt on the playground. You could fight Valaac blindfolded with both hands tied behind your back and you would still beat him without breaking a sweat."

I shrugged at her words, summoning my teapot to pour us some tea. "Your point?"

"Why didn't you just take him out if you were that angry?"

I thought it over, sipping quietly from my tea cup. "Well, at the time I thought that this would be worse than death."

"Being constantly summoned by star struck fourteen year olds?" She laughed again. "You may be right about that." Baph thumbed through the pages, chuckling to herself at different passages.

"'His heated gaze enveloped her'... he's going to hate this so much!"

"Yeah, so can you just block off the portal to my house for a good year or so?"

"Again you could just destroy him, and save yourself the trouble. What did he do to piss you off anyways?" 

"... Nothing that I want to talk about." I waved a hand, changing the subject. "Look, I just need you to block off the portal to my house for a while, so he can't drop in." 

"He wouldn't be able to do that anyways, only if you summoned him... unless..." She stared at my guilty expression. "You didn't perform a blood contract with him, did you?"

Ugh. I hated that she knew me so well. "It wasn't my brightest moment, alright? Now can you block off the portal or not?"

Baph sighed. "I can, but what do I get in return? Valaac is going to be pissed, and he's going to take it out on me if he can't get to you."

"I made you casserole." I reminded her.

"...Well then, I'm getting seconds." She got herself another bowl, and sat down again, eating thoughtfully. "Look, I'm not trying to be nosy..."

"Yes you are."

"Yes I am... but I think you should just talk this out with him. You two used to be really close when we were growing up. I know you haven't talked for a year but it can't be that bad right?"

I started cleaning up the remains from the summoning ritual. "You're just biased because he's your brother."

"Actually, demon siblings have a tendency to kill each other. Valaac is a rare sort. He only tried to eat me once when we were in the womb together. And even then he didn't try all that hard."

I couldn't help it, I laughed. "I sure he would appreciate the vote of confidence, but I burned all our bridges a year ago."

She finished her casserole and put the bowl to the side, her expression uncomfortable. "I know it's out of character for a demon to say this, but you should forgive him..."

Our gaze met, and she shrank back from the despair I knew was hidden there. "What makes you think he was the one who needed to be forgiven?"

We completed our transaction, signing the contract I had drawn up ahead of time in blood. Baph would block all the portals to my house for a year, and I owed her two more casserole dinners once it was over. I rolled up the paper, forcing a smile.

"Thanks."

"Anything for you, after you castrated that jerk Alax for attacking me in the tenth grade, I've owed you one."

"'Castrated' is a strong term. I merely forcibly showed him the errors of his ways."

"By kicking his balls up around his ears."

We laughed and hugged each other, and with a flash of sulfurous fumes she was gone. I sat down, sighing softly to myself, clutching the contract in my hands. It may not be enough to keep him from finding me, but it might make it difficult enough that he would give up. Closing my eyes, I rested my hands over them, tears seeping silently between my fingers.

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