Chapter 4

Asking the same question over and over

Hoping for a different answer

My heart says one thing

It refuses to hear anything else.

"A whole week working with Varaac? How's that going?" Alice sipped her fruity cocktail, grimacing with sympathy.

I sighed, leaning back in my chair. "Not that bad, actually. If anything, he's more effective than the last demon council member. At least he does more than just burn obscenities into the floor."

"..." Alice stared at me silently.

"What?"

"Have you tried talking to him?"

"About what?" I tried to act innocently.

"About what happened a year ago."

"No."

"I mean, he seems to be pretty serious about talking it over with you."

"No."

"It might actually be healthy for you?"

"This coming from the woman who PUBLISHED my drunken ravings about him and sold it for profit?"

"Touché. " she shook her head. "I mean, you guys went to school together, right? The one for supernatural beings? You've known each other a long time. "

I was getting tired of this. "Your point?"

"I think you two miss each other." She hugged me. "I just want you to be happy."

I hugged her back. "Thanks."

"Can we join?" Baph, in her human disguise, walked up with Varaac. In this form she was much shorter, about my height, with bright green hair that matched her eyes. Even without the green skin and four arms she drew attention, but ignoring it, she sat down next to me with a grin.

"Never said you could." I muttered, taking a drink.

"Oh shut up you love me." Baph laughed, grabbing my drink and downing it.

"Baph." Varaac scolded her, his eyes showing the amusement that he was trying to hide. "Way to convince them to want us to stay." He placed a beer in front of me. "Here, to replace the one my sister drank."

I picked it up, studying it quietly. It was my favorite brand. Such a little thing, but he still remembered. I started to smile, but the expression died as I reminded myself that it meant nothing to him.

"Thanks." I accepted the drink, ignoring the bright smile he gave me in response.

"Anytime." He sat down across from me, watching me closely. The silence lingered, and I grew more and more uncomfortable at his unwavering stare.

"Hey bro?" Baph clapped him on the shoulder. "We have to work on your 'not acting like a creepy stalker' bit."

Startled he glanced over at her. "What did you say?"

Grinning Baph and Alice looked over at each other. Seeming to come to a silent agreement, they both stood up at the same time.

"We'll go get some food for the table." Alice winked at me, ignoring my glare.

"Yeah... you guys ... talk." Baph was trying to wink, but, unused to using her human disguise, the result was ... disturbing.

"Thanks." Varaac was talking to them, but he never looked away from me.

We were alone. Nervous, I considered running away. Maybe I could say I needed to go to the bathroom?

"Please, Kara... can we talk?" He seemed even more nervous than me.

I settled in with a groan. "Sure. About work?"

"No." he leaned forward. "What happened?"

"..."

"In the past year, I've thought about our last conversation over and over again." He rubbed his forehead, as he spoke, frustrated. "I've thought about every word, every look..."

As he trailed off, I couldn't help it. I was curious. "And?"

"And I still don't get it!" His eyes were desperate. "What did I do?"

My ears were ringing, his form blurring before me. I needed to get out of there before I lost control.

"You didn't do anything." I heard myself say. My voice sounded strange, robotic almost, even to my ears. "Nothing at all."

"Bull."

He reached out and touched my hand, and all I could remember was a time when I thought that meant something.

"They finally did it." I came home, falling on the couch with a groan.

"Did what?" Varaac was cooking dinner. Since I moved out of my parent's house and started working for the council, he had spent more time at my place than in Hell. He was there in the morning once I woke up and only left after I fell asleep. Over the last few months I had grown used to this routine, and even if in my heart I wished it was a more romantic arrangement, I was content at simply seeing him whenever I was home.

Or so I thought.

"My parents. They're splitting up." I stared up at the ceiling, feeling drained. I thought I would have more emotion when this finally happened: anger, relief... something. But all I felt was an empty sensation in my gut. Like somewhere I had missed a step, and couldn't quite catch my footing again.

I guess I hadn't realized how much I hoped me moving out would solve their problems.

"I'm sorry." I felt a hand brush my hair out of my face and looked up to smile at Varaac, enjoying the sensation.

"It's okay. Thanks for being here."

"Dinner will be ready soon."

I sniffed the air, "Lasagna?"

"And garlic bread."

"You sure know how to spoil me."

He chuckled, heading back to the kitchen to check the food.

I stood up, feeling slightly better. "I mean, I guess this is for the best, but something like this can really ruin the dream of a fairytale marriage for a girl."

"Don't worry." He called out behind him, pulling the pasta from the oven. "One day you'll fall in love with someone, they'll love you back, and it won't seem so scary anymore."

"Someone?" My voice cracked on the word, the room spinning around me.

Varaac turned around, sending me a grin that usually made my heart race, but this time only shattered it further. "Yeah, somewhere out there is the perfect person for you."

He started serving dinner, and I had to sit down, thinking things over.

We spent every waking moment together.

Touching, hugging, leaning on one another.

We told each other everything.

We had blood bonded.

But when in all that time, had he ever told me that he loved me?

Had we ever said we were in a relationship?

Oh no.

I thought... I stared at the his back, only remembering now what he told me all those years ago:

Demons can't love. It's not their nature. 

I sat down in front of the plate of lasagna, no longer feeling hungry.

"Varaac?"

"Yeah?"

"I... I think it's best if we spend some time apart."

"Kara."

I looked up into his concerned gaze, the memory fading, feeling tired.

"Varaac. What are you trying to achieve?"

He seemed confused. "What do you mean?"

"You want to be friends again? Want to hang out in all our spare time? Be best buds?" My voice was cutting, a sarcastic tone throughout it, but I couldn't help it.

I was hurting, my heart bleeding out in front of him, and I wanted him to hurt too.

"Can't we?"

"That's the problem." I stood up, grabbing my stuff. "You want to be friends."

"You don't?" He looked desperate, pain shining through his eyes. I leaned over, grabbing his face and holding it still until there were only centimeters between us. His eyes widened with shock, but he didn't pull away.

"Did you read the book I wrote?"

"That silly romance? Just skimmed a few of the descriptions."

I smiled sadly. "Read it until the end. You missed the best part."

"What...?"

"I never wanted to be your friend, Varaac."

"Kara..." it was a whisper. I smiled, and kissed his forehead, ignoring the gasp of breath he pulled in.

"Goodbye."

I walked out, refusing to turn back and look at him anymore.

I needed to move forward.