Prologue

Love made us do crazy things. To what extent? To something one couldn't imagine he could do.

You know what? I did crazy things for him. Things that were against prejudice.

I saw Brent on the bench along with his team mates. Alam kong sobrang pagod ito sa game nila kanina. But I needed to do this. It's now or never. 

Tumikhim muna ako bago hinawakan ang mic. My hands were shaking and sweaty too. I think I might faint soon. I took a deep breath. 

Ito ang maganda kapag staff ka ng radio room, you could confess your feeling or shout out what you wanted to. And yes, you heard me right, I was planning to.

"Paging, jersey number 14 Brent Trence Jimenez. Yes you." Napatingin siya sa mga speakers. Kitang kita ko ang gulat sa mata niya. We have CCTV's here that's why I could see his reaction. Pang ilan lang naman ako na nagconfess sa kanya rito at alam kong hindi na ito bago sa kanya.

"I, Yna Grace Portillo court you Brent Trence Jimenez forever until you say yes and yes," I said confidently, with even flipping my hair. Wala na 'tong kawala. I announced my love for him in the campus. Sabi nga ng iba, bakit daw ba baliw na baliw ako kay Brent, I told them, what's not to like with Brent?

He's achiever, handsome, nice to everyone and playful. 

This was a profession of feeling I never imagined I could do. Napuno ng tili ang buong campus, kagaya ng inaasahan ko. I would be very glad and willing to do this as long as it's him.

Sinugal ko na ang pride ng mga kababaihan sa ginawa ko. I knew some were surprised with what I did. Sino ba namang hindi? It's the first time they witnessed a woman courting a man than a man with a woman. Wala akong pakialam sa standards. As long as I could have him.

Welcome to the new woman of age. Woman nowadays can do things beyond others expect them to do. And I'm glad I'm one of them. I believe that equality prevails. So, I grabbed this chance. I made a move then the rest is history.

"Bilib din ako sa taas ng confidence mo at tapang mo bes," sabi sa akin ni Maggie na nakangisi pa. 

"Dapat lang. Akala mo ba madali lang iyon. I took the risk. Kaysa naman maunahan pa ako, alam mo namang maraming umaaligid sa kanya. Kulang na lang ako pa mismo ang sumabunot sa kanila isa isa," gigil kong sambit.

"Dami mong alam. 'Di ka pa naman girlfriend." She rolled eyes.

"Don't worry, Maggie malapit na." My lips curled up in the both corners. Yes, konti na lang mapapasagot din kita Brent. I know I'm already there. Konting kembot na lang. Mwah mwaah. I even made sound and hugged it.

I kissed him.

In his picture I printed.

Lagi ko naman siyang hinahalikan sa panaginip ko.

Baliw ako, hindi ba? Baliw na baliw sa kanya.

Nanligaw ako. Yes, I did. When I said so, I'd do it. Come high or hell! Halos dalawang buwan ng paramdam at panliligaw. Mapapaputangina ka na lang! Ayaw pa rin niya akong sagutin. Tama ba iyon? I flipped my hair as I went to their room.

I often went to their room just to wait him after class.

"Nandiyan na pala ang manliligaw mo brad." Ngisi pa ng tropa niya. Hindi ko naman siya pinansin at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.

I brought the food that was supposed to be mine. Niluto pa ito ng Nanay ko. Isasaksak ko ito sa baga niya 'pag hindi niya pa rin ako nagustuhan.

The best way to sneak man's heart is through his stomach like what others say. Kaya madalas akong naghahanda ng pagkain lalo na kapag may mga practice game sila dahil alam kong wala na naman itong oras kumain.

Pang ilang pagtataboy niya na ba sa akin. I didn't mind. I was still having my hopes high. 'Di ako susuko, no. I started this, I should end this! Let the battle begins.

Bibigay ka rin, Brent. I grinned at my thought.

I had already imagined our dates, our hands intertwined with each other, us professing our love to each other. How sweet would that be! I already pictured us out kissing each other endlessly. I flashed a smile.

Alam ko ng malapit ko ng makuha ang inaasam kong 'YES' sa kanya. I knew that I was on the way to his heart.

I also made a banner for him.

WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND BRENT TRENCE JIMENEZ FOR REAL?

YES OR YES? O, di ba, para wala na siyang option. Kahapon lang, hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi matapos kong ibigay ang regalo niya. Birthday niya kasi. Kakagigil talaga siya. Hindi ako nakatulog buong magdamag kaka-replay sa isipan ko ng paghalik niya sa akin. 

I was actually planning to held this surprise for himyesterday. Pero naisip ko na, he should enjoy na lang. It's his day.

The thought of having him as my boyfriend. I already felt flying in cloud nine. Ito na ba 'yon? Is this the day that we would be together?

Kaya ngayon kasama ko si Maggie na kasalukuyang nag-aayos ng mga ito. Napaka-supportive talaga ng bestfriend ko. 

Ngayon, hinihintay na lang namin siya. I couldn't wait him saying, Yes, Yna I'd be your boyfriend. Oh God, these words make my heart fluttered.

Patingin tingin ako sa relo ko habang naghihintay sa kanya. Bakit ang tagal naman niya?

After a long wait, there he was. Napangiti ako, pero saglit na nalusaw ang ngiti ko nang makita ko siyang may kahawak na babae.

"B-bes..." Maggie patted my shoulder. Alam niyang konti na lang iiyak na ako.

But no, I won't. Malay ko bang girlfriend niya 'yon. Nanliligaw ako sa kanya, kaya hindi puwede. Kilala ko siya. I knew he would never do things to hurt me. May ideya naman akong gusto niya rin ako. Nagpapakipot pa! Kainis. Pero dahil love ko siya, gagawin ko lahat para sa kanya.

There's no giving up today.

So, I still continued. I was getting there so I wouldn't give up.

Brent approached me as soon as he saw the banner. Pero kinuha niya lang iyon at pinagpupunit. I couldn't help but release a soft sob. I stiffened and wiped my tears away before it could run out my face.

Reality slapped me hard.

I felt hopeless.

I felt so small.

My pride as a woman was downgraded too.

I exerted a lot of effort for that...

How could he do this to me? 

"I have a girlfriend, Yna. I'm sorry it's a NO. Leave me!"

"W-What?" Nanatiling nakabuka ang labi ko. I still couldn't believe it!

"I told you, I'm not after your game, Yna. If you are doing this just because you want to, spare me."

"I love you!" Nakarinig pa ako ng singhapan at hiyawan. Pero, mahal ko siya. I wouldn't risk everything if not.

"You don't know what you are saying..." he muttered in disbelief.

"I know it. I'm in love with you. I did everything, Brent. Please, don't break my heart..."

"Hindi ako pumapatol sa bata. You're too young, Yna."

"So? You make it seem that I can't be with you. You're just two years older than me and I don't care. The hell with it! I want you! Ginawa ko naman lahat ha..." My voice cracked.

"Sinabi ko bang gawin mo 'yon? Sinabi ko bang gustuhin mo ako, huh?"

"Ang sama mo..." Nanggigigil kong hayag.

"I told you, it's a no. Go away! Don't... Don't ever come near to me. Stop pestering me, kid."

His words echoed inside my head. 

Ilang taon kong ginugol ang pag-asa na baka mamahalan niya ako ng pabalik.

Pwede naman niyang sabihin ng mahinahon sa akin hindi yung sisigawan niya ako. In front of the crowd, I was dumped.

Too much expectations could lead to huge disappointment. Indeed.

People crave for love. We need love. Masama bang nag-expect ako na mahalin niya ako? Na baka puwede na kami. Kasi, alam ko at sigurado na akong magiging kami. But then I ended up being toyed around.

Oo isa itong drama at sila lang naman ang bida. Samantalagang ako? Extra. At kahit kailan man hindi ako papasa maging bidang babae.

Ganoon naman talaga ang buhay. Life will not always be on the same boat you're in.

Tumakbo agad ako papalayo sa kanya at nagsimulang humagulgol. I let these tears fell. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

Why couldn't it be me?

I couldn't take this anymore. After all I did, iyon lang ang isusukli niya sa akin. He could have said No than letting me see him with his girlfriend. That hurts me more. I felt my heart shattered into pieces. The pain he caused will never be replaced.

I would always remember this day.

The day he broke my heart.

The day he wrecked me.

It took me how months before I decided moving on. I even went to his place every day. Kasi hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit siya naging gano'n.

Pero, mas lalo lang niya ipinamukha sa akin na wala talaga kaya wag niyang sabihing mahal niya ako matapos niyang ipamukha sa akin lahat ng iyon. At hanggang ngayon, masakit pa rin. I was trying to conceal my fear with bravery but my heart won't let me.

Traydor ka talagang puso ka...

Isa siyang malaking gago. He hurt me. He turned me into a fool. And it hurts like hell! I should have not made a move. Hindi 'yong nasasaktan ako ng ganito.

I saw him with his girlfriend before. They looked happy. And here I was, still miserable when he didn't accept the love that I could pour fot him. 

I watched a lot of romantic dramas just to conceal the pain I was feeling and for my mother not to see me crying. The most compelling love stories for me are the tragic ones. Titanic and Romeo and Juliet were one of them. Masyado lang din kasi akong broken hearted kaya nagging fan ako ng tragic stories. After that day, I was trying to move on. Believe me, I did. 

But one day, my mother saw me crying a river again. I told her the truth. How I courted Brent and how he broke my heart.

"Anak, when most people experience their first love and first break, it's normal and might be unforgettable for you. But you should learn from it, cope up with life's shits no matter how difficult it is to accept the reality and learn to heal and grow. Kung gusto ka ng tao, maniwala ka, lalapitan ka niya pero kapag hindi, tama na. Katangahan na 'yan."

I did what she said. Hindi ko pinansin si Brent. Nag-focus ako sa pag-aaral ko. 

But one day, when I found out that he was not in a relationship anymore, my heart felt happy. Gusto ko ng mag-move on pero siya pa rin talaga kahit anong gawin ko.

"Stop falling for him anymore," I told myself but emotions are great deceiver. 

I'll do what it takes for him to bounce back to me.

Hindi ako ang babaeng sinasayang.