Chapter 1 - The wrong Boy?

My name is Ryo, I’m 16 years old and I’m in high school.

I love music; I spend more time listening to music than I do anything else.

 I like school but I wouldn’t bat an eye if I couldn’t go anymore.

I have one friend; I’ve known her since first grade. We have a lot of fun together and we love swapping playlists. It helps us discover new music and we get to see who has the best musical taste (It’s me of ‘course.)

I wish the information I gave you made any contribution to this conversation but it doesn’t. I said all of that to get to one point.

I’m in love; I am completely and utterly in love with a boy.

I don’t know what makes him tick; I don’t know what type of music he likes. I don’t know what he does in his spare time. But I do know I’m in love with him.

I shouldn’t be in love with him but I am.

I know nothing good will come from me fantasizing about this boy being my prince charming.

But everyone has vices; we love and need things that are not good for us.

For example candy is not good for your teeth, overtime you’ll develop diabetes and all types of chronic diseases. But we eat candy anyway, despite the risk of a very terrible death.

My love for this boy is my candy; I know if I keep falling for him. I’m going to have a very terrible heart break. It’s possible that I might die from this ache in my heart.

But I can’t help that he’s cute, he’s tall and he has perfect teeth. He’s the perfect mix of the right amount of handsome and subtle. He’s not overly pretty, he has cute ugly moments. He’s not those annoyingly beautiful men they put on magazine covers. And I love that he’s an actual human.

He’s not the cliché high school jock. A pretty boy that is only required to breathe and he will be given the world. I hate people that celebrate beautiful people for doing the bare minimum.

He’s different though he’s beautiful and intelligent. He cares about his grades, he has interests outside of his friends and he can hold a conversation a like normal person.

“Are you staring at your secret crush again?” my best friend Kelly says coming to sit next to me. I snap back to reality at the sound of her voice.  When the noise around me starts to filter through my head I realize where I am, I’m sitting at a table at the school cafeteria. There are hundreds of school kids walking around and screaming at each other.

I zoned out again…

I got so lost thinking about Oliver I forget I was in public. This happens a lot when I let myself think about him.

“No, I was not.” I say lying to Kelly. She looks at me annoyed that I’m lying to her when she knows my truth.  I take one last look at Oliver who is sitting five tables from ours. He’s with his friends and they are laughing out loud at something he said. He smiles making my heart skip a beat.

When I look at Kelly she has disapproving look on her face. I just lied to her about staring at Oliver and here I am staring at him in front of her.

She opens her lunch box choosing to ignore my lies. She smiles peeking inside it. I look into her lunch box and smile too. Her mother made her one of her famous animal origami.

Her mother has been putting letters, special snacks and paper animals in her lunch box from when we were in primary school. And that tradition has continued well into high school. It’s something we both look forward to every day at lunch. I almost wish she made one for me too.

 I mean Kelly and I are practically sisters. We do everything together and her mother knows I love these little gifts. Or maybe I should get my mother to do the same thing for me. But that means my mother would have to start making me a lunch box; never mind.

“Isn’t my mother the cutest?” She asks smiling at me. She raises the paper from her lunch box and it’s a baby panda, we sigh simultaneously in happiness. Her mother is getting really good at making these paper animals. She’s made some good ones over the years but I think this one is the best she’s ever made.

“She’s amazing, if I didn’t like my mother so much I would take yours.” I say and she smiles. I take the baby panda from her and smile even more. It’s cuter when you have it in your hand. It’s the perfect 3D paper replica of a panda.

“Your mom is very cool, I wouldn’t mind exchanging my mom for her for a while.” She says and I look at her considering it. Do I really want to spend more than 24 hours without my mother? Nope, is the only answer that comes to mind.

“No, I’m good. You keep your mom and I’ll keep mine.” I say and she looks at me closely.

“Are you sure my good friend? This is a once in a life time offer.” She says using her business voice. She uses this voice when she’s talking about something she takes very seriously.  “You’re my best friend so I want to make sure you’re making this decision from a place of knowledge. I’m not going to give this chance to have a mother that places personal messages in your lunch box every single day.” She says staring at me. If I didn’t know her I would say she was serious about giving me her mother. She’s looking at me with so much focus and concentration.

“I like your mom a lot and I have to admit this is very heart warming. But I’ll keep my mother.” I say my face serious. She looks at me for a long time and then she smiles nodding.

“So what are you going to do about Oliver.” She asks and I almost spit out the juice I have in my mouth.

“Shhh! Why would you say his name out loud like that?” I say horrified, I look around to see who heard her. “The room has ears. What if someone hears?” I say whispering quietly to her.

“I don’t think anyone cares what we’re talking about.” She says looking at the kids in the cafeteria and then at me. “Everyone is minding their own business.” She says looking at me like I’m stupid.

“Still don’t say his name like that. I don’t want any mistakes.” I say blinking a few times at her. I wish we knew Morris code so we can talk in secret. She’s talking about some sensitive stuff right now and she’s being so loud. I want to say another name we’re not supposed to say. Oliver has a girlfriend that keeps tabs on him. She will confront anyone that talks, looks, smells or breathes the same air as him. No one is allowed to go near him.

“You’re blinking so much right now it’s making my eyes hurt. What’s going on?” She says looking at me concerned.

“His girlfriend has eyes and ears everywhere.” I whisper nearly choking on my words. I know it might seem like I’m being over dramatic but Marlene really is territorial when it comes to Oliver. I saw her screaming at a girl for standing too close to him during a science experiment in class. That girl cried for hours after.

“Marlene is not his girlfriend.” Kelly says and I choke on my spit. Why is she saying her name? A few people sitting a table from us turn and look at us. I wait for them to say something but they keep quiet.

“Can we please change the subject.” I say sinking a little in my chair. I know what was said is going to get to Marlene. I don’t want Kelly to say something else to add to the fire.

“Why? Are you trying to wiggle out of the fact that you’ve had a crush on…” She says and I close my eyes hoping she doesn’t say his name. I regret the day I told her about my crush on Oliver. She’s been pushing me to ask him out ever since. As if Oliver and I will ever happen.

Like I said he is the candy that will be my demise. He is untouchable.

“Are you running from the fact that you’ve had a crush on patient O for the past three years?” She says looking at me seriously. “You can’t waste your life dreaming about a boy. You either need to ask him out or forget about him. There are other boys that are dying to go on a date with you.” she says pointing to Mark a boy in my poetry class.

Mark has been asking me out for years. I don’t like him. There’s no sugar coating it, I don’t feel him like that. And I’m not the type of person to go on a date with someone I don’t like.

“I can’t ask patient O on a date. That’s crazy, who asks a boy on a date?” I ask ignoring the bit about Mark. I don’t want to argue with her about that.

“Why not? I asked Richard out and we’re dating now.” She says surprising me.

“I didn’t know that.” I say and she smiles proudly.

“Yeah. I took control and asked a guy I like out. And you should do the same.” She says and I shake my head no before she even finishes her words.

“No thank you. I will not be embarrassing myself like that.” I say and she shakes her head at me.

“The worst thing he can say is no. you won’t lose anything by asking.” She says and all I see in my mind is disaster. I see all the wrong ways this could go. Oliver will never date a girl like me.

I don’t even want to put those flighty dreams in my head.

“I think we should change the subject.” I say feeling sad all of a sudden. There’s a reason why I keep my dreams of Oliver and I in my head. In my head everything is fake, it’s a fantasy. Oliver is not real and my feelings for him are not real.

Most importantly the fact that I’m not good enough to date him is not real.

“Ryo, you’re too hard on yourself. You have so much to offer, you need to open yourself to people and you’ll be surprised what happens.” She says looking at me closely. She sees the signs of my brain going to its dark place. She can tell that I’m falling into my habit of telling myself all the negative crap in this world. She’s been through this with me before.

She knows the Ryo is not good enough for Oliver list very well. A goes something like this:

He doesn’t know I existed.

He’s the most popular boy in school

His family filthy rich

He’s dating the most popular girl in school

My boobs haven’t come in yet.

I’m awkward

His friends will never approve

You see Oliver is part of a crew, a group of young, handsome, popular and privileged high schoolers. They are known for their expensive clothes, flashy cars and very beautiful girlfriends. It’s no lie that every girl must go through a vetting process to be part of the group.

It’s like each girl is chosen based on how high they are on the beauty scale. They have to be popular and they usually come from well of families. I don’t feature in any of those categories. I’m not saying I’m ugly but society wouldn’t count me as the it girl.

“I’m good, you don’t have to give me a pep talk. I’m good.” I say and she looks at me sad.

“I didn’t mean to make you sad.” She says touching my arm gently.

“I know you mean well.” I say smiling at her so she can be at ease.

We eat the rest of lunch in silence. I hate that I’m making her feel like shit. She’s just trying to help me out. I know she wants the best for me. But I always get over sensitive when we talk about Oliver. He makes me feel inadequate in a way I never imagined possible.

I don’t know how to fix that, why would someone that doesn’t even know my name make me feel so small?