The town was abuzz, with thanksgiving just some days away. Clarissa had decided to spend thanksgiving with Marley, so she spent sometime packing some things she would be needing for the weekend. They had formed the habit of spending every holiday together, just stuffing themselves with food and sharing stories on how their life had been all year round, they’d even visit Chance together. But this year, it felt like she was doing it to help her feel a bit of normalcy.
Her doorbell dinged. She wondered if she had been expecting anyone that evening. But, no one came to her mind. Pushing the mound of clothes beside her aside, she pushed up from the ground. She gave herself a once over in front of the mirror before rushing out of her room and down the stairs.
When she got to the landing, the bell stopped dinging. She walked to the door and took a peek out of the peephole but there was no one there. She did a double take to be sure, but no, not even a shadow.
Weird.
Maybe she had heard wrong, she thought.
Or some kids were going about pranking people.
And, this was her least favorite prank not after what happened the day before at the Bale store.
she sighed and made to leave, when the doorbell dinged again. She peeped again and there was still no one there. She quickly unlocked the door. The wind blasted frigid air on her face and she shivered. Glancing all around, she didn’t see anyone out front and the street was relatively quiet.
She raised her face to the gloomy sky dotted with floating black and grey clouds. The wind howled and the pine trees by the curb swerved violently. Unsure of what to do, she slipped back inside and shut the door firmly behind her.
Suddenly, she was thrown into darkness.
She stood, frozen.
Darkness was one of things that terrified her.
She blinked her eyes a couple of times to adjust her eyes to the blackness. Street lamps cast shadows inside her house. She peered out of the peephole only to find someone standing outside her door.
Goosebumps spread across her body, starting from her arms through her back. Vividly remembering the incidence that had happened the day before, she became utterly terrified.
She swallowed nervously.
She was at loss of what to do.
Sweat began to slowly bead her forehead. She wiped it with the sleeve of her pink cardigan.
She was alone and scared and had no means of defending herself.
Except…
She tiptoed to the table beside the door. On the table, stood a lamp. A very suitable weapon, just in case he decided to force himself inside.
Or, Maybe …. she could take the fight to him.
That thought made her scared and at the same time, gave her courage.
She thought of the nights she had stayed wide awake waiting for someone to barge in and stab her to death. Or, how she could no longer walk in the streets comfortably without expecting someone to sneak out of the shadows to maul her to death.
Steeling herself, she gently unplugged the lamp and wrapped the cord round her hand. Then, she gripped the lamp and tiptoed back to the door. Standing with the door behind the door, she twisted the doorknob and the door whined open. She drew further away from the door. She held her breath and willed her heart to beat a bit slower.
Tucked behind the door, a flashlight pierced into the inky darkness, revealing traces of floating dust particles. She heard heavy footsteps pad into her house and echo off in the silence. It was too dark to make out the face of the intruder who stood beside the door, a few centimeters from where she stood clutching the lamp with all her might and hoping he wouldn’t take notice of her presence. He flashed the torchlight around the living room, then moved stealthily toward the kitchen.
Unable to keep watching the intruder invade her home, she let out a battle cry and charged towards him.
The intruder, startled by the cry behind him, swerved forcibly and flashed the torchlight behind him, momentarily blinding Clarissa. She blinked her eyes severally adjust her eyes to the sudden beam of light.
‘Clarissa? What are you doing? ‘He asked, noting the look of terror and the lamp she was clinging to.
That was a voice she recognized.
‘it’s me, Barry.’ He flashed the light on his own face. She looked closely to confirm what he had said. And beyond every doubt, it was him.
She drew her brows together in confusion.
‘You scared me. You didn’t even knock or use the doorbell.’ She said in a shaky voice.
‘I was just a few steps away from your door when I noticed the power outage. So, I called to let you know that I was here. But, you never picked up. Then suddenly, the door opened. I was surprised to meet an empty doorway. A bit confused too. So. I decided to check out your house because my mind thought a burglar might be inside, if the door suddenly opened on its own accord. Besides, I wanted to check on you. You skipped work today.’ He explained gently.
Clarissa heaved a sigh of relief, it all made sense now.
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘it’s fine. Why don’t you replace the lamp? You look like you could lynch me if I made any move.’ He looked at her hand, feigning fear.
Clarissa glanced at her hand, clutching the lamp that was raised slightly above her head and let out a little chuckle. She walked back to the table and placed the lamp gently on the table, then, unwrapped the cord from her arm. Not bothering to plug it back, she rubbed a hand over the frame of the lamp.
It had made her feel less undefended. She thought, just as an idea struck her.
She smiled inwardly and turned to face her august visitor, just as power was restored.
********************************************************************
Barry had instant coffee while Clarissa made them a deep-dish pizza, as an easy silence settled between them. Her mind occasionally strayed to what had happened earlier but she would often shake her head to clear her thoughts.
‘How do you plan on spending your thanksgiving?’ Barry asked as he took a sip of his coffee.
‘I always spend thanksgiving with my brothers.’ She said kneading a lumpy dough.
‘Your brothers? I thought you only had one brother. Marley? that’s his name, right?’
‘I have an elder brother. He’s Chance. But, most people don’t know him because he’s committed.’ She began to knead the dough a little faster and harder.
‘Ohh, I’m sorry. It must’ve been hard for you, growing up with no parents and a demented brother.’
Clarissa let out a little chuckle and paused her kneading. ‘When you put it that way, you make it seem pretty obvious how messed up my life is.’ She began spreading out the dough into a round and flat dough with her hands.
‘You know that’s not how I meant it.’ Barry said, a bit flustered.
‘I don’t need your pity. Pity is quite nauseating. It makes it very clear that people only see the helpless you and not the you that came out stronger than ever. I don’t ever want that from you.’
‘I’m sorry. I won’t ever do that again. Would a pinky swear show you how serious I am? He asked jokingly, with admiration clearly etched on his face.
‘C’mon, what are we? Six year-olds?’ The pair of them burst out, laughing.
‘Do you always bake? Or, am I special guest?’
‘My mom used to bake when she was alive. It reminds me of her. That’s the only thing I remember her always doing. She, they, died when I was around eight, going to nine. I found their cold corpse on their bed that morning. It wasn’t like my parents were the best of parents. I remember my dad hitting my mum on several occasions and Chance was his most available punching bag. Marley was a bit older than I was then, but he wasn’t spared either. My dad, I don’t remember what he looks like most of the time. My mum, she was a quiet and small woman. She never spoke up and when she did, she always took my dad’s side. It has always puzzled me.’ She stopped kneading to stare blankly at Barry. ’Like, why would she just keep quiet and let everything keep going on. It wasn’t like my dad was the one providing our needs. No, it was all her. He could barely hold down a job for a couple of months and next thing you know, he’s out drinking with his friends and coming home, partly knocked out on every night…’
‘Clarissa…’ The sound of her name stopped her rambling and jolted her back to reality. She blinked her eyes at Barry’s outstretched hand, which held a paper towel. ‘You’re crying.’
That was when she felt the warm moisture streaming down her cheeks. Her hands flew to her warm face.
‘I’m a huge mess. I wonder how uncomfortable I’ve made you.’
‘And, you’re making a lot mess off your already messed up face. You have flour all over your face.’
‘Let me help you clean up.’ He rounded the island with the paper towel he had magically produced. He wiped the tears that ran in a straight line down her cheeks, starting with the right cheek and moving to the other one. He gently wiped the batter she had unknowingly smeared on her chin. When he was done, he crumpled the paper towel and tossed it on the sink, then moved to his seat.
‘Thank you.’ She smiled at his kind and thoughtful gesture.
She went back to spreading the batter and a comfortable silence settled, once again, between them. Soon, she was done rolling the batter, just as she was about to turn the dough into an iron skillet, the doorbell echoed round the house from the front door.
‘Let me get that for you.’ Barry offered.
Clarissa nodded a ‘thank you’.
Barry shimmied down from the high chair and walked towards the entrance. Clarissa turned the dough into the skillet. She began adding slices of mozzarella cheese on top of the dough, gently spreading it evenly over the surface of the dough.
It was the familiar fragrance of his cologne that made her snap her head up to stare at the entrance of the kitchen.
Flynn had a knack for walking into places like he owned it. She watched him peel his black leather gloves away from his hands and stuff them in the pocket of his black coat.
‘How gracious of you to visit me, Agent Grant.’ She spat out, Sarcasm lacing each word.
‘I would’ve come earlier if you deemed it fit to let me know what had happened yesterday.’ He retorted.
‘Maybe I didn’t want to see you. That didn’t occur to you, I know.’ She said stiffly as she sprinkled some olive oil on the cheese.
‘Unfortunately, you’re stuck with seeing my face for a while. Deal with it.’ Flynn said as he took Barry’s seat.
‘I should probably go.’ Barry said mildly, standing beside the counter.
‘Why?’ Clarissa asked, glaring at him. ‘I’m baking this for you. So no, you can’t leave. Not yet.’ She promptly went back to sprinkling some fresh tomatoes, basils and spinach on the dough, leaving Barry to make his way to island slowly.
She didn’t know why she was upset. Or, how he had come to have so much power over her emotions. It puzzled her how she was happy seeing him and at the same time, how badly she felt like gracing his cheeks with a resounding slap.
‘Okay, you can stop overthinking and spill whatever it is that is going on in your mind.’ Flynn said.
‘You want to know what’s on my mind? It’s how effortlessly you stroll into my kitchen like you own the damn place and how you won’t stop snagging my tomatoes and how the hell you could walk out on me after giving me the best kiss of my life….’
‘I think it’s best I stay in the sitting room.’ Barry said to no one in particular as he quietly made his way out of the kitchen.
‘… you think I should act like all’s fine with me and pretend like you don’t leave me hanging every single time you make one stupid move. I hate over thinking. And, it can get real bad Flynn, especially when stuff like that happens…’
‘Woah, take it easy with the chili, Love.’
She stared down at her dough and then, looked at the can of chili she held. She had almost emptied the whole can of chili into the dough. What a spicy pizza it would have been!
She sighed and took a plate from the dish rack and scooped a bit of the chili sauce into the plate.
‘Why are you so calm about all this? Yeah, bloody FBI academy and police college.’
‘I’ve always known she had that fire in her. It’s nice to know she can actually yell at people.’ He said to no one particularly.
‘You know I’m being serious right now, right?’
‘Of course, I was half expecting to see steam puffing out of your ears and eyes.’
Angry at the fact that Flynn was taking her rant lightly, she picked the iron skillet and dumped it into the pre heated oven, set the timer and slammed the oven shut. She leaned on the counter with her hands, backing Flynn.
‘I’m sorry.’ She heard Flynn say. ‘Being in the field, it comes with a lot of risks. Sometimes, we lose people we love because we dig where we aren’t supposed to dig. And sometimes, that loss stays with us forever, it haunts our every waking hour, it becomes our own nightmare for the rest of our lives. Some people get over it with time, some people learn to live with the guilt and, some…’ she heard him swallow audibly. ‘
Some never learn to deal with the loss and the guilt. It eats you up from within, makes you hate yourself. I don’t think you ever want to know what that feels like.’
She could hear the raw emotions in his voice. The pain, the guilt, the agony. She could feel them all.
She could tell that he too had lost someone dear to him. With a voice as heavy as lead, she asked,’ who was she?’
‘Her name was Veronica. She was a pre school teacher. We were going to get married after that particular case. But, she got shot. Right in front of me. A bullet right through the head. And, there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t save her from dying. She stopped breathing, right in my arms. Sometimes, when I close my eyes at night, I still see her smiling face, her blond hair and then, her doe eyes as she slumped into my arms with blood gushing from the bullet wound in her head.’
She turned to face him only to find him leaning on the island with his elbow while clasping his head with both hands. Unsure of what to do exactly, she stood straighter and walked over to stand beside him. She knew deep inside her, that words alone wouldn’t soothe him and there wasn’t even enough words to deeply express what she felt at that moment.
She let her heart do the thinking.
Throwing arms over his shoulder, she eased his head from his hands and cradled them on her own shoulder. She began rubbing soothing circles on his back.
Flynn let her have her way.
She probably understood what it felt like to lose someone you loved. She hadn’t looked at him with pity, she had understood that words didn’t soothe him at all. And, he also loved that she smelt like pizza and mozzarella cheese.
Clarissa thought, she understood why he had always acted like a deer caught in a headlight. It all made sense. Still, she would let him explain himself.
‘You know, sometimes, I feel guilt for looking at you in ways that say I want more, because I’m not meant to want more for myself. She died because of me. I’m not supposed to find happiness or even allow myself feel it.’
She knew what would come next, she could feel it. So, she braced herself for it.
‘I’m sorry for kissing you. It wasn’t meant to happen, I was just… I wasn’t thinking, that’s all.’
There! He said it.
Clarissa bobbed her head, forgetting that he couldn’t see her. She understood him and felt the same way a bit. But, she didn’t regret the kiss and would still do it again, in a heartbeat. She wouldn’t tell him that, not yet.
She lifted his head from her shoulder and placed both of her palms beside his face and began to speak to him in a whisper.
‘You shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. Veronica would want you to be happy. You should always know that. And, you didn’t kill her. You can’t let guilt continue to eat you up.’ She said very softly.
Flynn locked his eyes with hers. He could see the brown specks that dotted her iris. And, he could also see beneath the façade that she put up that although she understood his pain, she still didn’t understand what he had shared with Veronica and probably will never understand. It had been easy for her to ask him to let go of his guilt. The only thread that anchored him firmly to her memories.
Clarissa let go of his face and strode back to the other side of the island. She busied herself with clearing the worktop.
‘Is it safe to come back in now?’ A red-faced Barry asked from the door.
A small smile appeared on her lips.
‘You didn’t ask to leave in the first place.’ She stated plainly.
‘Well…’
‘I’m not always like that, you know. Just that someone I know has a knack for bringing out the mad woman in me.’ She turned, only to catch Flynn smirking.
Good. At least, he no longer had that puppy eyes, she thought.
The timer dinged and Clarissa made to see to the oven while the two men made small talk.
The deep-dish pizza came out fine, a little bit spicy, but spicy. The look she gave the guys dared any of them to make any snide comment about the pizza. And luckily, none of them did. But, while eating it, they took enough water to start a mini pond.
When they were done eating, the guys decided to leave together.
She walked them to the door. The howling wind had quietened and, the street seemed deserted.
‘Your attacker, did you get a good look at him?’ Flynn asked.
Clarissa waved her head, in a way that said she didn’t.
‘I read your statement. That wasn’t just a petty thief. Be careful, okay?
‘I will. Stop hounding me and get going, you too.’
‘We should. The wind is picking up again.’ Barry said, clutching his jacket tightly.
Flynn walked down the landing and with one lingering glance at Clarissa, he walked to his car.
He didn’t hear Clarissa whisper, ‘you deserve to be happy too.’
But, he had heard it. Then, he vowed to make sure that he sucked every iota of happiness from Flynn’s life.
