Will

“Keep looking at me like that, and I'll kiss you until you're crazy.”

I feel great discomfort when I hear this. The feeling would be Wanchai's, but I'm the one who feels it. But why? What's with me? My discomfort is visible as Nate gives me a strange look, looks confused.

— Will, are you all right?

— I'm... It's all right!

— Do you think this tone is okay? — I know we will have a rehearsal before recording, with the cast, but...

He keeps talking. I can't face it. I sit on the couch and leaf through the notebook in my hand. I need to compose myself. What's up, Will? You are not Wanchai, and this is not Thirasak. Nate sits next to me, and continues talking about Thirasak's feelings in this scene. I need to get out of here, I'm not well, something is bothering me.

— Since the first scene I realized he was in love with Wanchai. Waiting for someone for a year is beautiful. Do not you think?

— It's…pretty pretty. I say, but I don't have the courage to face him.

— I think Wanchai didn't want to admit it, but he fell for Thirasak in that scene, don't you think? He was too shaken when he said he would kiss him until he fell.

I muster up the courage to look at him. He looks curious, staring at me insistently.

— Is really everything fine?

— It is. Can we continue tomorrow? 

[...]

I roll from one side of my bed to the other. I can not sleep. I feel weird, especially when I remember Nate's gaze on me, the closeness between us, and his deep voice telling me, “Keep looking at me like that, and I'll kiss you until you go crazy.” I think I'm taking the character very seriously, after all, it's Wanchai who gets slightly shaken when Thirasak says that phrase to him. That's it! It's the Wanchai who feels, I'm not him. But why am I so shaken?

The days go by fast. The recordings start in full swing, I did my best for the first episode, the director and the production are all praise for my work, and it makes me extremely happy to know that I can do this, contrary to what I always heard from my parents, I can. Speaking of them, I know I need tell, but I think it's not the time to say that I'm acting in a BL series, I don't know what their reaction would be, with the exception of my sisters, they never supported my dream of being an actor.

Today we have a very uncomfortable scene to shoot, since I arrived on the recording set I have been thinking about what it will be like, and how I will react. We didn't rehearse, actually none of us talked about rehearsing, I thought it was great, and weird on Nate's part. But my joy was short-lived, as soon as I finished the makeup, the staff looked for me to do a dress rehearsal with the scene cast, and then shoot. It's a welcome scene for the freshmen to break the ice, Wanchai and Thirasak are chosen to perform a very unpleasant prank, the two must dance together, but it's not just any dance, they must be glued to each other. My character, Wanchai, hugs Thirasak around the waist, and our faces must be very close. The text mentions that I must be slightly attracted to his beauty, and Thirasak brings his face close to mine, in addition to staring at me intensely. Also, there's a second scene, where the old pepero joke happens, and the script says that in the last bit his mouth should touch mine.

As we perform the first scene, I can't stop staring at him, and my heart races in a way I've never seen it before, and it makes me very nervous. His gaze is so intense and true, I wonder if I'm really in front of his character. I feel unsteady, uncomfortable with those brown eyes staring at me like they want to kiss me. Cut. 10 minute break for the pepperoni scene. As soon as he says that, Nate pulls away, but he keeps looking at me, I look down, and then I look this way and that. I feel a little lost. Take a deep breath, Will! You are not Wanchai.

It doesn't take long for everything to start over. The college seniors hand out a snack to each pair, and I pop it in my mouth, and I wait for Nate, or rather Thirasak. he looks at me and just hold it with the mouth showing disinterest. Then he is reprimanded by one of the seniors, who tells him to eat or bite the pepero, he does what is asked, and eats little by little until the last piece, this is the worst part, because to eat you have to touch your lips in mine, and in doing so, she looks at me in an extremely sensual way. This scene is in the script, Wanchai should be shaken, not me!

At the end recordings, I just want to be at home, in my bed. When that actually happens, the bed feels like too uncomfortable a place for me. I've tried several activities, but I can't stop thinking about the look in Nate's eyes, his mouth touching mine, that scene doesn't get out of my head. There's something wrong with me, I shouldn't feel this way. I need to sleep.

[...]

While the makeup artist does her work on my face, she says something but I don't listen, my mind is too far away. She finishes, I say good-bye and walk down the hall until I hear someone call my name.

— Will, wait!

I look in the direction of the person calling me. I don't want to talk to him alone.

— Hi, Nate! What was it?

— Need to talk to you. Come with me!

Before I say anything, he takes me by the hand, and pulls me open. a door on our side. It's a dark room full of set materials, he closes the door and stares at me with the same look Thirasak gives to Wanchai.

— Nate, what do you want to tell me here in the midst of this mess?—

— I needed a quiet place.

Why does he need a quiet place?

— I think we better get out of here. I say, turning towards the door, but Nate grabs my arm, I turn in your direction.

— What's the matter with you? What do you need to tell me?

— We need to finish what we started yesterday.

— What?

Before I can say anything else, he walks over, gives me that damn intimidating look, and simply brushes his lips lightly against mine. Stop, and walk away. I look into his face, I'm scared. But something is stronger than me, I pull him closer to me, closing the distance between us, Nate smiles.

— I thought you didn't! — he says.

— I've wanted since the day I laid eyes on you...