03— Tears of anxiety and anguish.

 03— Tears of anxiety and anguish.

“Words mean nothing until and unless it is felt.”

— Saumya Tripathi

“Doesn't everything feel strange?” With a lump in my throat and a tight feeling in my chest which seeped into the veins, I exhaled with difficulty. 

He left without even sparing a single glance my way. That was the only question which was resounding in my psyche, all together as if everything was normal for him. 

Minutes ambled by. . .

Standing there, alone in the foreign room with just my little brother and me, and no- one else: just us, I stood stunned and, most probably confused and dumbfounded. I wasn't able to proceed regarding what had happened. 

But the heavy questions remained in my mind, hovering over me, disturbing me with more questions to which I didn't have any answers, unsteadily revolting me to no end.

Why would he want us here? What would he get while abducting us? Why was he forcing us to stay with him? Who was he, anyway?

With the heart in my mouth, everything felt surreal.

Aghast with the questions, I stood there unmoving. I could not come to comprehend the situation in which I was finding myself entangled within. How did that even happen? 

I blinked and blinked twice to clear my vision of anguished tears which were coming anew.

Inadvertently, still nonplussed, I retreated with tentative steps up to the sidewall of the room, sliding downwards through it. I sat there without blinking this time. Holding a sleeping kid in my arms, closer to my heaving chest, I clasped my mouth with my other hand to refrain from crying out loud. Still, though, a sob escaped from my mouth, unknowingly. My tears-filled eyes remained downcast as I mulled over the unfortunate situation I just let myself in. 

How? And most probably why?! The questions still stayed unanswered. I didn't even remember how they were able to get us in here. I did not remember anything at all.

A knock sounded rather loud in the whole empty room coming from outside the brownish-black wooden door. Startled at the unexpected loud sound, I jumped, horrified with a hammering heart. Immediately, I wiped my tears-strained cheeks from the back of my hand vigorously not wanting to show anyone my vulnerable state. Because I shouldn't trust anyone here. 

"Can we come in, Miss?" A high-pitched feminine voice asked from outside the door just after knocking three times before.

"Y-yes" I stammered, my tone timid. Still frozen on the floor with trepidation, I gulped. Did he send her? 

Opening the door very graciously, two very pretty girls in their mid-twenties entered, nervously. After shutting the door, they started their way in my direction, smiling though.

Approaching, one of the girls started: 

 "Ma'am we are here to assist you with whatever you need and here's the supper for you and the little kid over there," she said sweetly jabbing her index finger at my shoulder where my brother Shaurya was sleeping, snugly.

I was befuddled. 

Then only did I notice the handle of a stroller, and the food table in the second girl's hand who was standing next to the first one. With different varieties of food, kept neatly on the table with transparent glass covers and utensils. I stared, blankly. And, sat on the floor, peering.

What was with the food? I do not need it nor want it! Not from them, anyway.

The first girl went on: "And this is your nightdress ma'am," said the first girl again, showing me a small bag in her hand.

"Sabba, manners are to introduce yourself first before stating your actual point," the other girl admonished the one whose name was Sabba while her eyebrows were knitted together on her forehead as she said that.

Smiling apologetically at me Sabba went on, "Oh no! Yes. I am so sorry, ma'am. How oblivious of me! Hey!" She beamed suddenly, overjoyed.

Resignedly, I just sat thinking about her amiability.

We just met a couple of minutes ago, still though she was amiable to me. I brooded, confusingly.

"I, myself: Sabba, and she is Zahar, my twin sister," said Sabba, grinning.

Shaurya stirred on my shoulder at that very moment.

Perhaps he would be hungry after all it was his dinner time. I mulled comprehending, suddenly.

"Aww! He is so cute. Isn't he Zahar?" Sabba proclaimed to Zahar watching my brother squeal in his sleep.

"Yes, he is very much. How old is he, ma'am?" Inquired Zahar, watching him, smiling.

Before I could answer Sabba replied hastily,

"He must be seven or eight months old."

"Obviously not, he doesn't look like to be in months, he seems pretty big," retorted Zahar, eying him.

"So what? He could be just healthy and plump. It is obvious."

"Yeah, it looks like it." Zahar, after a while, agreed.

"Many kids do look like this plump at this age and that's what makes them the cutest like this little man over here," chirped Sabba with a soft smile on her face.

"Okay, now shush. You talk too much. Behave yourself. We are having company if you might have forgotten," Zahar scolded.

"I- "

"Keep mum, Sabba! Will you?" Zahar said cuttingly.

Sighing, Sabba ruefully murmured, "Okay, I am sorry."

I listened to their bickering quietly, nonplussed.

Pausing, Sabba stated, "Now, you can go and change, ma'am. Here is your nightdress" saying, Sabba thrust the small bag into my other hand, gently.

"Don't worry ma'am you can go without worrying about your brother. We will take good care of this very little prince over here. You should go and freshen up while we change his clothes. I don't think you would mind, would you?" Sabba questioned me with hope simmering in her eyes. They both looked at me hopefully. Somehow, I felt an intuition about trusting them. They had that kind of vibe around them where you know you could trust them because vibes never lie. Vibes were always pure and will never be manipulated with sweet coating words, or the pretence of actions. It wasn't easy to change one's vibe when something did not feel right. 

I took a long pause.

"You can trust us, ma'am. We will be here until you come." Sabba persisted, grinning. "Taking care of him."

I nodded meekly, staring up at them merely confused.

What was even happening? No wonder why I couldn't move past the fact of why I had been brought up here. 

It was like a dream. The dream that no— one would ever happily want to even have. 

With the help of Zahar and Sabba, I stood straight on my feet with Shaurya, carefully. "May I, ma'am?" Sabba asked me before she held out both her hands for me, so I could hand over my baby to her. Somehow, I know I mustn't trust those people easily and these were the very people who didn't let us go. But, as preposterous as it sounded, my subconscious wanted to trust them. So I decided to go with it. I sighed as I made up my mind. They gazed at me, warmly. Lastly, I had no choice but to give Shaurya to her, who very sincerely took him in her arms. Then I only noticed how tall they both were. 

"Please take care of him," I beseeched them, my voice timid and hopeful. Stepping closer, Sabba clasped my arm squeezing slightly and said, "We will!"

"Now, go!" Said Zahar, smiling reassuringly.

I sauntered with the given bag in my hand towards the shown washroom. Reaching, I nervously grabbed the golden lock in my tiny hand, pushing the door open. I turned back to glance at my brother hesitantly— to the room where he was with the other two girls, but rather saw how enormous the room was. However, my eyes strayed back to the sleeping form of my brother on Zahar's shoulder. I was feeling out of place here. I wanted nothing more than the need to leave from here. I gazed at the girls again, there were small courageous smiles plastered on their faces.

Eventually, they will have to let us go; they will not have us here against our will. It was against the law.

Decidedly, I walked into the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind me.

I deflated.

My eyes were left wide open when I looked at the size of the bathroom. It was so huge, luxurious, very clean and looked expensive. This was the only logical thought passed when I gazed at it.

Too expensive! 

Even the bathroom was large here.

The marble was used extensively on the floor with the unique colour of palish white. The shade on the wall was Wythe Blue and was stunning. The bathroom looked and felt more airy and bright, allowing it to look luxurious, interesting and sophisticated. Chic bathroom rug with a soft and pleasant texture, a mirrored wall, and long and heavy curtains the elements used in this bathroom was strategically used to create strong and dramatic contrasts. The way the lights were reflected on the panel, the sharp and clean lines of the tub and its matte black finish and the overall ambience made this a very intimate and relaxing bathroom. Thus, everything already had been set there on the platform with the required essentials. However, this was an acquired taste for the rich people.

I placed the bag on the platform beside the sink, my hands were quivering, the image in the mirror was blurry and, so were my eyes. 

India had always been a democratic country. No one could hold you without anyone's will. No- one could. Whoever he was, he would not bully me around as he did today. I wiped my tear-stained cheeks, blinking hard to get rid of the tears.

Yes, I will go. No one could stop me and perhaps the girls will also help me. They seem good and generous to me. Whether or not by his will, he could not make me stay here with these people who I did not know anything about, especially him. How could he threaten me with a small baby? What type of monster was he? A small, little kid who did not even know how to walk by himself.

Who was he by the way? Frowning, I asked the same question again, but it remained unanswered, nevertheless.

But what'd you do if he seriously takes your Shaurya away from you? What if he wasn't just threatening you based on nothing? He might be someone rich and powerful to make such an incisive threat. Don't you think? My subconscious whispered back.

A single tear strolled down my cheek, leisurely.

What would I do? I didn't even know these people! Why wouldn't they let us go home? But, it was a mere possibility: they could let us go too. I mulled it over desperately. First of all, I had to know where I was. I wanted to leave. I wanted nothing in this world rather than to leave this very house instantly and right away and for that, I needed to know where I had been brought. 

Crying, I stood in the shower, cascading down the pieces of clothes that had me covered in their confines, protectively.

Wiping the tears away, I decided that crying won't help me. If I needed to leave I had to work hard myself. I had to add the pieces together to find a way out. 

“Soon,” I nodded. 

•

•

•

After taking the bath and changing into the given nightdress which was— a simple cotton yet plain white gown that ended just a few inches above my ankles with three-quarter arm sleeves was very loose and comfortable with a boat-medium neckline. I walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind me.

"Ma'am you look very exquisite," said Zahar when I reached them. I felt a sudden hotness on my cheeks. "T-thanks," I murmured to her. "See, ma'am— we took good care of him until you come." They both laughed. "— Besides he is awake too. He is such an intelligent kid, ma'am. I must add he didn't cry a wink and always had naughty kinds of stuff to do," she chuckled, looking down at my brother with adoration in her simmering eyes. Stepping further, I walked over to the bed with Sabba next to me. We stood at the edge of the bed gazing down at my adorable brother. Sitting in the centre of the bed was my one and only brother who was waving his hand randomly in different directions wherever he could. Inquisitively, wandering his dark— big brown eyes around the room with a tint of rejoicing as well as mischievousness in them.

I smiled at his impish actions.

I smiled. My first true smile after all those unpredictable situations. It seemed so long since I smiled at anything. Apparently, that was all because of my not-so-very-innocent brother with his not-so-innocent tactics. He might look innocent and docile per his age but the look could also deceive you. Therefore, in his case, the looks will deceive anyone. His innocent dark, big brown eyes always held mischievous in them. He had always been the eye candy of our family since his birth. When he was born he was just too tiny. Now, he was so much grown-up for a kid at his age, barely looked like an eight-month-old infant. I smiled. My eyes burned with unshed tears thinking about our merry days with our parents. My face contorted with pain. I so wanted those days back. 

What would I do without them?

"Ma'am?"

What will I do with you, Papa, maa?

"Ma'am?" Someone shook my shoulder gently.

"Huh?" I said looking up at Zahar with a start.

"Are you alright, ma'am?" Sabba asked frowning at me with a bit of concern in her voice.

I nodded at both of them.

They look concerned for me even though I am nobody to them. Maybe they could really help me go from here. Now, when I think about whatever happened to me was so strange-— too strange.

First Awdhesh's sudden behaviour and now this stranger. My heartbeat instantly fastened thinking about Awdhesh. 

What would have happened to him?

I didn't know what made him behave like that with me, like the way he did with so much aggression and— violence. I trembled visibly at the slap as it resounded in my ears. It wasn't him I was sure of it. 

"Okay, now sit here and have your dinner ma'am, I got to know you haven't eaten anything," Sabba said, nodding at the food. Her voice brought me back from the daze. I sighed. I was not hungry but Shaurya would be. I glanced up at Shaurya who was already engaged in playing with his new friends.

"Ma'am?"

"Please don't call me ma'am, we are humans. We all are equal. So, I request both of you to please call me by my name." I said, mainly begging.

"Yeah!" Sabba shrieked suddenly while clapping her hands rather soundly like a little girl.

"Oops, sorry!" She said with a wolfish grin. Sounding, not at all sorry to me.

"Can I ask something?" I asked seriously with a trembling lip.

Instantly, they both looked at each other abruptly for some sort of question, visible in the frowns on their foreheads. And, the tension on their faces could be clearly seen. They looked serious and nervous all of a sudden. But, when they turned to face me, there were no emotions on their faces, whatsoever. My breath laboured whilst my heartbeat seemed to fasten even more than before.

Why won't they say anything? I questioned myself.

Before anyone could say something, a gruff, very deep voice cut them off.

"You both may leave."

"Goodnight Radhika!" Not a second later, they both whispered to me at the same time before leaving. And then, they left with a reassuring squeeze on my already numb- cold hand.

I didn't return their greeting, though. I held hope in my eyes for them but they avoided looking at me. I wanted them to stay. Even though I knew no one, I felt safe with the girls. Perhaps because of the same gender, we shared or maybe because their vibe felt different. 

“Please stay,” it was barely a whisper but I hoped they heard it. Because at that moment I would have pleaded with them if I could. I was too scared, more terrified. I did not turn away, not even an inch when I heard him move. I stood stiff, mollified, knowing not what to do. I had never been alone with anyone, let alone a man. To stay with a person who was a total stranger to me seemed out of the question. The girls started to leave without meeting my eyes which I desperately chased with a certain hope to catch them for once. They were the only hope I held close. 

My breath altered even more. It came out as gasps. Little gasps of anxiety. I heard a clicking sound of the door, letting me know there was no— escape from here and from him. The clicking sound made me realize how alone I was at that second. How much loneliness could drain a person psychologically? 

I felt him moving behind me. Yet, I did not turn around for fear of him doing something. 

Oh, shiv Ji..

Papa. . .

Maa. . .

Why were you not here with me? Why did you leave me. .?

A single tear fell from my eye, followed by another then another and another, and on and on. . .

These were the tears of pain and grief. It seemed like there was no end to the pain. 

My internal pain...

My physical pain...

The unendurable wound that would always stay with me until my last breath. . . . . .

And I was left with a certain question: 

What did I do wrong to deserve this?

Where did I go wrong? 

What were the faults?