20: Trip

ALEXANDER

I am beginning to think that perhaps I want happiness, but I also desire to keep the pain close; close enough to remind me of my mistakes. Jake's logic and Chris's confession should be enough to motivate me to take a leap, but the 'what if' at the back of my mind feels louder the more I think about it.

Still, I am unable to sit back and watch him be with someone else. He has been going out a lot of late, and it's disconcerting. I fear, with his beauty, it won't be long before another male species notices him. Maybe someone with more honorable intentions. The fact that I can't forbid him is bothering me, hence my rush for this Uganda trip with him. Perhaps, having him away from everyone else will help me decipher what I want with him.

I don't want him to get over me, that's for sure. But I also don't want him to love me either, if that makes sense. I just want our simple arrangement back where we f*cked our brains out with no thoughts whatsoever. That I could commit to.

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