Chapter 2:Epiphany.

   

SS1.

I squatted in front of the home economics lab, head tilted, a blank expression on my face as I bounced slightly and thought up fun new ways to kill myself.

ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ᴅᴀʏ.

I was wondering how bad it would hurt if I stabbed myself with the broken glass window louvres and the relief it would bring. ɪ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴀɪᴛ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴀᴠᴏᴜʀ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ꜱʜɪᴛ, ɪ ᴄᴀɴ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴛᴀꜱᴛᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀɪɴ. ʜᴍᴍ.

I looked up and the passage leading to the girls' hostel remained deserted. I didn't think anyone would be passing through it for at least two hours. 

That gave me an hour and a few minutes if I was quick. I started considering my options:

I could stab myself in the abdominal part of my aorta with the louvre and die from excessive bleeding, a quick albeit messy break.

A knife would be more suitable as a louvre could barely slash my wrists although it's the most convenient.

ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ꜱᴏ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ʀᴇꜱᴄᴜᴇᴅ ᴀꜰᴛᴇʀ ᴀ ꜰᴀɪʟᴇᴅ ꜱᴜɪᴄɪᴅᴇ ᴀᴛᴛᴇᴍᴘᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴇᴇ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴏꜱᴇ ᴄʏɴɪᴄᴀʟ ɢᴀᴢᴇꜱ ᴍᴏᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇɪɴɢ 'ꜱᴛʀᴏɴɢ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ'. ꜱɪɢʜ.

ʙᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪ ɢᴇᴛ ᴀ ᴋɴɪꜰᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ ꜱᴄʜᴏᴏʟ? ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪ ɢᴇᴛ ᴏɴᴇ ɪꜰ ɪ ꜱɴᴜᴄᴋ ᴏᴜᴛ? I wondered. 

Forget it, I wouldn't even be able to make it past the forest, talk less of successfully sneaking past the villagers.

Should I just steal a knife when next my parents come to visit me? ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇxᴛ ᴠɪꜱɪᴛɪɴɢ ᴅᴀʏ ᴡᴀꜱ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ ꜰᴀʀ ᴀᴡᴀʏ. I couldn't wait that long! My anxiety was already acting up so I guess that plan was cancelled.

ᴏʀ .... ᴡᴏᴀʜ. ʜᴇʀᴇ'ꜱ ᴀ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ɪᴅᴇᴀ, ɪ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏꜱ ꜱᴛᴇᴀʟ ᴏɴᴇ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴋɪᴛᴄʜ-

"Lola!" Someone interrupted.

ʜᴇʏ, ɪ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴛʜɪɴᴋɪɴɢ ʜᴇʀᴇ. ᴡʜᴏ ʜᴀᴅ ꜱᴜᴄʜ ᴇꜰꜰʀᴏɴᴛᴇʀʏ, ꜱᴜᴄʜ ɢᴜᴛꜱ, ꜱᴜᴄʜ ʙᴀᴅ ᴍᴀɴɴᴇʀꜱ ᴛᴏ ɪɴᴛᴇʀʀᴜᴘᴛ ᴍᴇ?

Uh oh, I lifted and turned my head to see Kayne glaring at me and from the state of that frown, it seemed like he had been trying to get my attention for a while. 

ꜱʜᴏᴏᴛ!

"Hey, Amandi." I waved awkwardly with a fake smile on my face.

Play it cool, think ice block, zobo, lacasera, cucumber, sour cream and onions walkers. Ok, now I was just thinking about food. ꜰᴏᴄᴜꜱ!

Come on Lola, you've got this. He could never have guessed what you were thinking, your mind is too great to be cracked.

"You promised you won't be alone when you're like this."He stated as he walked closer.

He doesn't know, he's just trying to make me crack.ʙᴜᴛ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ ꜱɪʀ, ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ.

"When I'm like what?" I retorted as I stood up. But with my shifty eyes, I don't think I was convincing anybody. 

ʏᴇᴀʜ, ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴄᴏɴᴠɪɴᴄɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ. Lola's subconscious stated snidely.

Oh, shut up.

 Uh, I'm pretty sure I just saw the front of my brain from how hard I rolled my eyes.

"Don't even try and bobo* your way out of this, I saw the way you were staring at those louvres. If you still think you can, you're jonzing*."

ᴄᴀᴜɢʜᴛ ɪɴ ᴀ ʟɪᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇᴇ.

Hey you, yes you. Don't be alarmed, that's just my inner voice singing. No, it doesn't sound like a dying walrus, it's angelic, angelic I tell you, now shush. Break time's over, let's continue.

"Look at your wrists, they're raw and what did you do to your lip? It's bleeding." He looked alarmed as he tilted my face towards him and scanned it.

ɢʀᴇᴀᴛ! ᴡᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ɢᴏ ʙɪɢ ᴅᴜᴍᴍʏ, ʏᴏᴜ'ᴠᴇ ᴇxᴘᴏꜱᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀꜱᴇʟꜰ. Why did I have to scratch myself and bite my lips when I was anxious? Why couldn't I have a normal bad habit like I don't know, twirling my hair or biting my nails?

Heck, I'd even take chewing my hair at this point. 

ɢᴏꜱʜ, ɪ'ᴍ ꜱᴏ ᴅᴜᴍʙ.

HEY! Why are you always so against me, aren't you meant to be on my side? Imagine having yourself as your own worst enemy, I literally just wanna facepalm.

I dragged my arm away and shifted back from Amandi. ʜᴇʟʟᴏ! ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴᴀʟ ꜱᴘᴀᴄᴇ.

This is embarrassing, I forgot he was the only one who knew about my unhealthy obsession.

Why is this amebo* smart? And most importantly why does he know that this is one of my favourite spots during my episodes?

Because he is my best friend ladies and gentlemen and a borderline stalker,

Amandi,

6 feet,straight-A, overachieving smug fluff ball, better known as Kayne, my confidant and at best of times the bane of my existence.

"I know you're currently yabbing* me in your mind cause we both know I'm right. I brought you a novel, and before you start your whole spiel about how you're not really into novels,

I think it might help with your insomnia cause it's getting kind of hard to hide these days." He said as he dragged me closer to him again.

"Really? I didn't notice. Randomly falling asleep at odd times and places isn't a sign of severe exhaustion at all, and neither is bearing a resemblance to a panda."I drawled sarcastically.

"Your sarcasm is as outstanding as always, my dear lady. I can't believe people still think you're quiet and innocent.

Even if they ever hear you insult my life and destiny, they'll probably still blame me. It's not fair." He exclaimed while stamping his feet slightly, and he finished it off with a boop on my nose. 

𝒯𝐻𝐸 𝒜𝒰𝒟𝒜𝒞𝐼𝒯𝒴.

"Did you just boop my nose? I'll kill you one day, I swear on it. I'm pretty sure it's the shortness that's deceiving them. Tell you what, I'll try and read the book on one condition." I tried to bargain with him since I knew this koala wouldn't let me rest otherwise.

"What?" This mf really started swinging my arm.

"Give me your notes or I'm going to have my face drawn on all my exam scripts and I'm totally not prepared to repeat ss1." I whined.

"No wahala*, I'll give you tomorrow." He promised.

"Deal, big head." I said as we did a fist bump,'ᴄᴀᴜꜱᴇ ᴀ ᴅᴇᴀʟ ɪꜱɴ'ᴛ ᴏꜰꜰɪᴄɪᴀʟ ᴛɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴇᴀʟ ɪᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ꜰɪꜱᴛ ʙᴜᴍᴘ. ᴇʏᴇ ʀᴏʟʟ.

"I'll read the stupid book but if it doesn't work I swear by Amadioha*, I'll kill you." I solemnly promised.

"You're not even lgbo." He guffawed.

"Shut up!" I exclaimed as I punched him.

"I still think it's better you go for therapy or at least see the school counsellor." He advised.

"So that I'll either be blamed for letting a demon possess me or I'll hear my story around school that same evening. Abeg*, let me try and deal with it my own way." I responded.

"It's kind of sad that you think that's true." As I saw the sadness in his eyes, I suddenly realised the distance between us or lack thereof, so I pulled back.

Though it was kind of hard cause this nigga was wrapped around me like an octopus.

"We both know that's exactly what will happen, this is Nigeria after all, 'tell one, tell all.' "
I stated while walking with my back faced towards the girl's hostel gate.

"Lola, wait!" He said while grabbing my hand. "You still won't tell me what caused this," he whined.

"What happened that you're still having nightmares up till now, what exactly is the cause of your hypnophobia? What messed you up? You know you can trust me." He insisted while caressing my face.

"I told you nothing caused it, if anything, it's probably all the ghost stories that are going around school lately. Don't worry about it". I shrugged him off again.

I can't let him know, I can't let anyone know,

ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ. Just a waste of space on this earth.

"If you say so, but you know I'm always here for you." He said while giving me a hug.

"I know. I know!" I hugged him back and I really didn't want to let go. 

ᴛᴜʀɴ ᴀᴡᴀʏ ʟᴏʟᴀ.

"Take care of my sister for me." He concluded after our hug.

"You know I don't like your sister right? "I shouted over my shoulder while shuffling away.

"That's okay, you didn't like me either!" He shouted back and I swear I could almost hear him say 'and see where we are now'.

I looked back to see his stupid smirk on his stupid face.

"Ode*, Baka*, Oponu Oshi *!" I cursed.

I could still hear his cackles as I walked through the gate.

He's right though. We'd come a long way from the girl that used to drag and beat the boy that used to annoy her every second.

And the boy that used to try to scale* windows just to get away from the said girl, to two people who could just sit and talk for hours on any topic under the sun.

He went from being someone I detested to someone I could trust, and I really needed that. Someone to trust, I mean, especially after what Bisola did to me, but that's a story for another day.

As I walked by the swimming pool on my way to the entrance of the hostel, I could see people gathered around something on the ground and hear them whispering a single word.

Kemo.

I've heard that name before but I can't rememb - click!

Isn't that the girl they said was punished by her school mother because her crush ended up liking her instead?

The girl that dated a boy her friend was still in love with, with full knowledge of that fact?

The girl on the low cut that senior boys were chasing? The girl that even though she's just average: look wise, is still labelled as one of the most attractive girls in the school?

ɪ ᴡᴏɴᴅᴇʀ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ'ʟʟ ꜱᴀʏ ꜱʜᴇ ᴅɪᴅ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ.

The nurse on duty tried to get everyone to step back as she tried to administer first aid for Kemo's asthma.

As I mingled with the crowd trying to get to the front, I heard snippets of the conversations around me.

"drank bleach" "deadly concoctions" "dusting powder" "disinfectants " " could have been killed " "Is she ok?"

"hate all this attention-seeking b**ches" "should have killed herself" "and this is not the first time" "she for don go hug transformer*"
"hope it won't reflect badly on our school " "spoilt over-privileged kids that don't know the value of what they have" 
"should have slit her wrist" "faking depression " "they should die if they want to, why are they now bothering us" "there's no excuse for ever wanting to kill yourself "

As I heard these things, black dots started dancing in my vision. It might be the missed meals finally catching up to me or might be what I just heard but I just knew I had to get out of there.

ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴀꜱ ɴᴏ ᴇᴍᴘᴀᴛʜʏ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍʏ ᴛʏᴘᴇ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.

......................................................................

GLOSSARY

Bobo - lie.

Jonzing - deceiving yourself.

Amebo - nosy person.

Yabbing - insulting.

Wahala - problem.

Ode - fool.

Baka - idiot.

Oponu - stupid person.

Scale - jump through or over something.

Hug transformer - hug electrical transformer .

Amadioha - God of thunder.

Abeg - please.