Grey.

   

I had to take a sick leave the next day. 

I couldn't bring myself to return to the hostel that night until I was sure it was empty. I couldn't do anything to her or to them and that just made me feel more useless than the air at the bottom of an empty can. 

Trying to sleep was futile because when I did sleep, I kept seeing hands grabbing towards me, making me wake up in a fit of sweat. 

When everyone finally came back to the hostel after prep, I just pretended I was asleep.

I felt like I couldn't even breathe loudly until around one a.m when I could no longer hear anyone moving and all I heard were sleepy murmurs and beds creaking. 

I got down from my bed and tried to open the hostel door as quietly as I could and got on the veranda looking out at the stars. I shivered as I felt something enfold me

As I sat there, I felt tears dropping and it made me feel even more stupid. Why was I wasting tears for someone who couldn't even be bothered? She's right, I really am a fool.

I was foolish enough to think she was genuine, to trust her and to give her the power to make me feel like this. I gave her the power to hurt me and for what reason, I had all the care and hopes thrown in my face.

I hate myself. And as I clutch my chest and feel my heart being torn apart, I hate myself all the more and I hate her for it. I HATE HER!!!

Wait, that's not right.

I made her like that, I'm disgusting, so I'm the cause of this. It's not her fault. I'm the cause, I'm the cause of everything that went down today.

I ruin everything, I ruin everything I touch. I'm nothing, I'll forever be nothing.

I should be punished, I should be punished. The pain I felt from my nails digging into my forearm, egged that thought on.

He told me I deserved to be punished and I didn't believe him. HE WARNED ME! He warned me not to tell, he told me I shouldn't tell anyone what happened and I didn't listen.

I told her and that's why she's like this now. He was right,

He was ri- (I stopped scratching).

I SHOULD KILL MYSELF. I should just kill myself and save everyone from misery, I should - kill yourself(he whispered).

At that point I was already scrambling on the concrete floor, looking for any sharp object through my tears.

ɪ'ʟʟ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ, ᴅᴏ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴘᴏɪɴᴛ ɪꜰ ɪᴛ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴇɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀɪɴ. ɪꜰ ᴏɴʟʏ ɪ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴇɴᴅ ɪᴛ ᴀʟʟ.

I don't know how I didn't hear the sound of thunder. It must have been because of the haze in my mind but it wasn't till I saw the lightning strike that I snapped out of it, and I was instantly mesmerized; just like a cat with a light.

I kept staring at the occasional lightning flashes and when I felt the rain bearing down on me. I was glad.

It was like I was being punished by nature and it helped lessen the guilt I felt.

I scrambled back onto the veranda and watched the rain pour as my tears poured down. I felt the rain calm me down and I let it, after all, it was my only friend.

But I didn't see the shadow looming behind me.