YOU.

   

Strangely enough, if anyone asks me about my boarding school experience, my first thought is of you. Everything about you.

You were the splash of colour in my otherwise dark world. You see, I was so used to living in a world of grey that it took just a little colour to show me what I was missing.

I can't say you were my saviour or anything cheesy like that but I can say that you were the push I needed to save myself.

God knows I was too obsessed with the thought of dying at 14 though I wasn't brave enough to do it even though I'd been depressed since I was like 10.

I just wanted to get out of the monotony of it all. I really did want to end it: my existence.

I wasn't familiar with depression, I was basically shielded from anything that had to do with death, so I thought everyone felt the same as me,

But then I saw and observed more people and I wondered why they were so happy all the time and when I asked, it was just seen as ramblings by my family.

I can't really blame my parents though. 

You see where we live, we take depression as a myth, a thing that you allow and claim just to make life easier if you will,

We feel you can't get depressed unless you let yourself be depressed or you learn about it and feel that it's something interesting and like a hobby you pick it up. 

ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴋɪʟʟɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜʀꜱᴇʟꜰ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ.

And that's messed up because it made them ignore all the signs that were there and made them label me as a liar. 

They would see me playing with knives while I imagined I was stabbing myself over and over again and would just ignore it. 

I was ostracized in my own home and I felt I deserved it, I hated myself, and they unconsciously fed that hate every day.

I would always think, "ᴡʜʏ ᴡᴀꜱ ɪ ꜱᴏ ɴᴇɢᴀᴛɪᴠᴇ?", I was meant to talk about rainbows and unicorns, but I just didn't allow it to be all happy times, ᴅɪᴅ ɪ?

 After all, I was just a kid, what did I know of mental health?

When I got to know you, I noticed something familiar but it wasn't till you opened up to me that I understood the fleeting flashes of pain I saw in your eyes. 

When I realised that we had experienced the same kind of trauma, you came in and pulled back the cover of the well I had been cowering in. You made me realise that there was someone like me, 

That I wasn't a freak or weird and in doing that, you truly became more than just the boy I used to compete with for best student.

It's not like you were breathtakingly handsome, you were more endearing than enchanting really. 

I guess it was the fact that we experienced something similar but instead of letting the pain destroy you (ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪ ʜᴀᴅ) when awareness of what had been done set in, you rather conquered it.

When you let me in, I saw the extent of the damage that had been dealt to your soul by someone who was meant to protect it. 

You had quiet strength, I guess that's what really drew me to you in the first place.

I always like to revisit our earlier days when we were so pure and our biggest problems were my brother not approving of us and us wondering whether we should hold hands or not. 

You wondered whether my pity date with Hasan the previous term was more than just that, ɪᴛ ᴡᴀꜱɴ'ᴛ.

But I was young, and I was ignorant. I hadn't considered how important my reassurance was to you because to me Hasan wasn't even a blip on my radar.

You were always a tad bit possessive and I didn't soothe your fears, if anything I probably created more.

I was too caught up in our first kiss some weeks before my fourteenth birthday, our time spent together- gaming, talking about novels, anime, mangas;

The k-drama kiss we tried to re-enact in the rain, the awkward shyness any time we were alone and tried to have an actual serious conversation after we had started dating;

My general lack of attraction towards anyone and the worsening of my depression, to have taken better care of your needs and feelings.

I wish I could say that ours was a sizzling love, but we both know it was more about companionship, comfortability and trust.

We trusted the other person not to go over our mutual limits and it was perfect for us.

How I wish over and over that we could go to those simpler days, when the biggest drama was our set stealing nutri-c from the school cafeteria and stoves from the home economics lab:

After the girls had distracted the guard and the boys had stolen the key from the maintenance officer; to cook during the extension for the parties we ended up having in the girl's and boy's hostels.

But as the saying goes all good things must come to an end, I just wish I didn't push you as much as I did.

 When we started having problems and I started having doubts,  I wish I sought your opinion and talked things out first. I really do.

But I can't change the fact that I didn't,ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪꜱ ɴᴏ ᴍᴇᴅɪᴄɪɴᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ʀᴇɢʀᴇᴛ ᴀꜰᴛᴇʀ ᴀʟʟ.

 I know I always destroy good things, I just wish that didn't turn out to be true in our case.

.....................................................................

I guess the summer extension, as great as it was for us, was also the start of our troubles.

I should have taken note when my heart skipped a beat, should have been conscious of the shit-eating grin on my face when I saw him standing beside my bed.

Should have left when I saw him and other boys guessing which bra belonged to which girl when they snuck into the girl's hostel one Sunday afternoon.

When I watched him point at one and claim it was mine, ʜᴇ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴡʀᴏɴɢ.. I should have vexed instead of grinning and saying I wore a D.

Should have paid attention when I noticed how easy it was to be with him, how I would rest my head on his shoulders and call him ode while playing with his hands.

Should have been alerted when I saw the closeness turn into something else.

I should have spoken out when I no longer saw him as a brother.

I should have spent more time with you when juniors started asking if he was my boyfriend after the first term resumption,

Should have run out of the west library that day when I caught him staring at my lips when we thought we were the only ones.

So many should haves but not enough action. I was willful and I wanted them to happen.

After all the unattainable things are always the most beautiful.

.....................................................................

Should have come straight that I never cared about the rumours between you and Amarachi.

Still didn't care even when you started spending more time with her than with me and when I noticed I felt more for him than I ever did for you.

All the warning signs were there. But I ignored them and now all I'm left with is a bunch of should-haves.

I ignored them like everything else because I didn't want to face facts and I just ended up measuring everything you did with me, to how I would have felt if I did it with him.

I turned one of your closest friends into a stranger, I'm sorry about that.

You made me have to talk about my friend and openly doubt her to prove that I cared whether she took you away and put on a show to reassure you.

I'm sorry we had to come to that and I still didn't care, really I am.

I'm sorry that I confused infatuation for love and broke both your hearts in the process.

I'm sorry I destroyed our friendship, used the dying embers to build a new relationship and left you as a spare tyre.

You deserved better. ʜᴇᴄᴋ, ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ ᴅᴏ..

My insensitivity was the beginning of our unravelling.

All the cards came crashing down but there was no beauty in the chaos. It was only pure chaos.

You both were my biggest regrets but you were also my greatest blessings.

I thank you both for that.