What if, I die? (Filipino)
What if, I die? (Filipino)
Author: Bbeany


TW: Please expect the sensitive content. The topic is more about Violence Against the Woman or so called (Marital Abuse). Physically and Emotionally abusive may destroy your self-worth and lead to anxiety/depression.

"Tyron, please... let me go. I'm begging you, please." Pagsusumamo ko na bitawan ako nito, but he's too strong and not even listening to my dramatic plea. I can sense his anger and it's making me weak and my knees tremble. His hold on my wrist was so tight, that I couldn't stop myself but to shred from tears. Nagpatuloy lang siyang kaladkarin ako patungo sa madilim na kulungan kung saan niya ako madalas dalhin at ikulong sa tuwing hindi niya nagugustuhan ang mga ginagawa ko.

"T-tyron, it hurts.. please." My heart is clenching, I just felt like crying and begging him to free me, but it's too impossible for him to listen to me. He's really angry and I don't know what I did this time.

"Would you shut the hell up?! You really don't have any idea that you ruined everything, right? You ruined my life, Ciara Hilvano. You ruined everything! And now you're hoping that I'll forgive you?! Hell no! I will make you suffer for everything that you did. As long as you live under my roof and you're in my hands, you will suffer. Did you understand that?! I will make you feel how to have a damn hellish life, just like how you made me feel since you came to my life!" He exclaimed from the top of its lungs.

Hindi ko napigilang maibagsak ang mga luhang namumuo sa aking mata nang sambitin niya ang mga linyang iyon, hindi makapaniwalang ako ang sinisisi niya sa hindi ko naman kasalanan.

𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘛𝘺𝘳𝘰𝘯.

"Just.. please, let me go, nasasaktan na ako." Pilit na pagpupimiglas ko habang patuloy na umaagos ang luha sa aking pisngi. Ngunit hindi niya ako pinakinggan, bagkus ay naramdaman ko lang siya mula sa aking likuran na bahagyang yumuko dahilan para maramdaman ko ang kanyang hininga na tumatama sa aking pisngi. 

"I will make sure that you will regret everything. I will turn your life into hell as long as I see you breathing." Hindi man nakikita ngunit alam kong masama ang kanyang tingin. His breathing was so heavy and cold that it made me stop from breathing for a moment. After he hit that line, he pushed me away violently causing me to fall from the floor. I could not help but to shut my eyes as I covered my mouth and cried silently.

"Get up." He commanded but I didn't move. My knees were already trembling, I couldn't even feel my body anymore because of the pain, I could barely see anything and my vision was starting to get dim. How could I even get up in my situation right now?

"I said, get up!" he exclaimed. I had no choice but to try what he wanted, but I just ended up lying on the floor again. It hurts. It hurts so much that I could just lie down here all my life and never get up anymore.

I just wanted to lie with my body getting cold and lifeless on the floor. That could be better than this, I guess. I wouldn't feel any pain if I'd let my body surrender already. 

Trembling, shaking and weakening. What else should I feel? Is this really what I deserved? I can't really do it anymore, can I just give up? There's no sense of living anymore, tho.

"Hindi ko na kaya." I muffled myself, letting my tears fall even though I can't even feel it escaping from my eyes. I'm too tired to feel anything.

I just felt his heavy footsteps coming toward me and sitting in front of me.

"Bakit kailangan ikaw pa?" When I heard him uttering those words, I looked up at him, and hoped I hadn't done it. I just hope I didn't look into him just to see his dark aura. I could feel his rage and saw the coldness in his eyes. My heart was shattering, hindi ko kayang labanan ang mga tingin niya, that's why I immediately lowered my head, and averted my gaze on him. 

"Why do you have to be alive?" My lips loosened up as I sensed the bitterness in his voice. It is as if he hates my existence so much that he has to do something for me to be gone already. 

"Why do you even need to be existed in this fucking world if you're just going to ruin my life!" Suddenly, I was taken aback. My mouth started to shake as my eyes expanded, when I felt a cold thing pointed at my forehead, my entire system seemed to tremble when I realized what he was holding and pointing at me.

𝘈.. 𝘎𝘶𝘯?

"N-no.. Tyron, no. Please, don't do this.. h-huwag namang ganito, oh.." I felt like my body turned into rock, I couldn't move, my breathing started to get heavier, my chest was moving thru up and down because of nervousness. My heart was breaking again and again, I can't recognize him anymore. I can only see the rage, pain, and hatred from him, and the pity I used to see in his eyes has vanished, leaving me fearful and anxious.

"Do you know what will happen to you once I shoot this damn gun to your head, huh?" He scoffed at me, while his eyes were full of anger. 

"I-im sorry, parang awa mo na, tama na, Ty.. J-just, please.. put it down. It's not funny, you're scaring me, stop doing this to me, I'm begging you. . please!" The uncontrollable tears that were shredding down on my face didn't stop anymore, I couldn't breathe properly, my eyes were getting blurry again. It's aching and breaking me, seeing the man I love were not scared anymore to hurt me.

But it seems like his heart has turned into stone already, he can't even listen to me.

"Shut up, I'm tired of your bullshit. So, shut up! Once I pulled this fucking trigger to you, you'll probably be dead. But because I love how you begged for your life," he put down the gun and a sarcastic smirk plastered on his lips.

"I'll let you live," he added, ''that makes me break down.

"You still have a chance to say goodbye to your loved ones who don't even care about you. Go for it. I won't stop you, anyway. At least, bid a goodbye to them before you leave this world, right? Isn't it unrespectful to leave them without saying goodbye?" He chuckled, I was momentarily taken aback when he stated that my foggy vision fixed on him as he pointed out my parents hating me. I smiled bitterly, what's not to believe about that, it's the truth anyway.

He hated me, my parents hated me. I hate myself, everyone hates me. What else could I expect? No one ever wants to accept me in their lives. It's my destiny to be hated by everyone, that's not new to me. It's always like this, same old shit.

"Totoo naman, hindi ba? Kaya nga pinilit tayo na ipakasal sa isa't-isa, it's all because you're such a burden to them! Unluckily, hindi ko alam na pabigat ka, that's why I'm here. Suffering because of you." His sharp eyes darted on me. I couldn't help but lean my head down and take a deep breath. I didn't have any more tears to shred and my eyes and body were already exhausted. It'll just be nonsense if I don't stop from sobbing. 

"Worthless!" Kasabay ng pagtulak niya sa akin papasok sa loob ng madilim at masikip na kwarto ay ang pagkawala ng aking malay dahil sa pagka-untog ng aking ulo mula sa pader.

𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺.

𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘪𝘧 𝘐'𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳.

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