Chapter 1

                         CHAPTER 1

The wind blows my hair as I stand on the terrace, staring at the gate and waiting for it to open.

"Ma'am, the sun is hitting you there in your place. You can wait for Madame Criselda inside," said Hilda, one of the maids with me here at home.

"I just want to wait here, Hilda. The air is fresh, so it's better to wait here," I replied to her while smiling. I looked at the gate again.

"If that's what you want, Ma'am, I'll leave you here. Just call me if you need anything."

I just nodded while still looking at the gate. I'm excited to see mom because the last time she came here was 6 months ago.

I looked around and smiled bitterly. Since I was 12 years old, I've lived here with only maids and butlers. There are no friends to approach, no neighbors and no one to visit other than the sea. Mom bought it for me to live in. Yes, I will only live here. They are not included because they have businesses to take care of. It hurts, but I have to stay away from them, especially from my dad, because he is a man.

What's wrong with a man?

I was raped when I was 11 years old. An incident I could never forget with all my life, even until death. I lost everything I had because of it. My life became miserable from then, I couldn't do what I wanted to do even when the time I turned 18; I didn't get the chance to celebrate my debut, which I have been dreaming of since I was a child.

After that incident, I became afraid of men and even when they touched me, I was shaking and shouting. I couldn't control my actions. I've only talked to dad last year as I'm slowly getting recovered . So here I am, living in this island with maids and butlers for 15 years. I haven't seen the butlers for 13 years because my mom told me not to while I'm still recovering, but now I don't panic too much when a man sees me, but when he touches me, everything comes back to me like a nightmare.

I felt so excited when I heard that mom is going to come here. For a few years, it was like I was a criminal imprisoned because even my studies were just here at home, and my treatment was also just here. I want to go to another places but I can't because I haven't fully recovered yet.

I was stunned when I heard the sound of a car. I looked at the gate, the guard was opening it, I hurridly got off and went out to greet Mom.

"Mom!" I immediately walk towards her when she got out of the car. She greeted me with a hug, and I hugged her back.

"Hmmm, sweetie, I missed you!"

"I missed you, too, mom!"

I was smiling while looking at her.

"Are you with dad?" I asked.

She grinned. "Sorry, sweetie, but your dad is not here. He have a business trip abroad."

At that moment, I knew I'd answer with a fake smile. Dad seems busy, but why can't he visit me even just for a minute like mom? I felt like something terrible happened to the company because dad is not a workaholic type of a man.

"Mom, do we have a problem with our company?" I asked, and I saw how her smile slowly fading.

"Can we go inside first, sweetie? Your mom is starving. I want to eat while we are talking."

I nodded, and we went inside. I asked Hilda to give us something to eat.

While waiting for the food, I looked at mom, who were looking around the whole house as if she had just entered it. Well, there are few new ones compared to the last time she visited, but the house is still the same.

"Sweetie," Mom called while looking at the household items.

"Yes, Mom?"

"Is the other room clean?"

I frowned, but I abruptly realized that mom might stay here with me and that instanly made me smile.

"Yes, mom! Actually, Hilda always cleans the room."

“Good! I'm staying here for three days."

My smile became sweet because of what she said. This is the first time that she's staying for days because everytime she visits me, she would only stay for a few hours and then leave as she has something to take care of.

We went to the Garden for awhile because the food was served there.

"Ahhh, how relaxing."

I quickly looked at her and saw her looking around the place, and her eyes stopped at the sea.

"Do you want to swim, mom?" I asked.

"No, I don't have a swimsuit with me," she said laughing, so I laughed, too.

Well, mom can still wear a swimsuit because her body shape is still beautiful; even though she is in her mid 40's, her body shape is even better than mine.

"Next time, make sure to bring your swimsuit, mom, so you can relax. I'm sure you're stressed at work, so it's better to go swimming." I said.

Mom just smiled at me, and the garden went silent. The silence lasted for so long that I was isolated and nervous. I was feeling troubled.

I'm going to talk to her when she asks me.

"Sweetie, when is Dr. Sanchez coming here?" she asked.

"She'll come here on Saturday, mom." I answered.

"Good, I can still catch up with her. So sweetie, any update about your situation? Are you better now than last year?"

"I'm better now, mom. I can talk to men and can touch them, but only for a moment," I answered, even though I was confused by her questions. I knew he was worried with my situation, but I have a feeling that we have a problem.

She nodded and gave a fake smile. I can remember mom's movements even though we have been separated for a few years.

"Is there a problem, mom?" I asked because I couldn't stand it.

She sadly looked at me and held my hand. "It's about our company, sweetie. Three years ago, something bad happened at the hotel with our business partner in Singapore, and the news of that spread. Other investors heard about it, they took their shares, and our company weakened; we are trying to save it, but no one really trust us. So now, the only way is to sell or the ......... MARRIAGE. "

Wait, why didn't I know about that? I always watch the news or read news paper, but why I haven't heard about it? And what did you just say?? A what? A MARRIAGE??

"MARRIAGE?" I'm nervous, because I know I'm the one to get married as I'm the only child, but I haven't fully recovered yet. I'm twenty-six years old, I can get married, but I can't even be able to work because of my illness.

"Y-yes, sweetie, I know you can't because of your illness, so we also thought of selling the company and start a new business, but you know we worked hard to built that, right? Besides, you haven't recovered yet and you haven't been able to work yet, so we have a hard time deciding now." she said.

I don't know what to say, but I know  my decision is important to my parents. Maybe if I wasn't traumatized, this would not happen.

I don't want to get married because I'm not well yet, but the company that my parents worked hard to build is what got me thinking.

"Mom, please, give me some time to think. I can't give you my answer now."

My mom took a deep breath before releasing my hand. "Of course!" she sadly smiled at me again. "Just tell me if you've already decided and I'm sorry, sweetie, if I bothered you about this."

"I'll just go upstairs." I said and walked towards my room. I should be the one apologizing because for a few years, I have been a burden to them, so I have to give back the good things that they have done for me.

I immediately went to bed when I entered my room. I was just looking at the ceiling. Thinking about what my mom had just said until I fell asleep.

I woke up to Hilda's knock. "Ma'am, it's time to eat dinner. Madame Criselda is waiting for you."

I looked at my phone and saw that it was seven o'clock. I immediately got up and went downstairs. I was just on the stairs, when I heard mom talking on the phone.

I sat down in the chair and started eating, while Mom was still talking to someone.

"Call me later." mom turned to me and she looked sorry.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but I can't stay here for three days. Something happened and I need to leave early tomorrow. I hope you understand." She said.

I just nodded and continued eating. About marriage, I think it's time for me to reciprocate their patience and hardships with me for a such a long years.

"Mom, about marriage, I-I Ahmm. I agree with it" I can't look at her."

I heard a sound, something like a falling spoon. I turned to mom and saw the joy on her face.

"Really?" she asked me with a smile and I nodded. She immediately approached me and hugged me.

"Oh my God! I'm gonna tell this to Vector, for sure he'll be happy. Thank you, sweetie." she excitedly said.

I think I have made the right decision, I'm doing it for you, mom and dad. We won't lose our company. But you're not happy, are you? I don't love my fiancé and will my future husband be happy with me? When he finds out what happened to me? What will be his reaction if I say we can't do hugs, kisses, cuddles and make love because of my trauma? Do you think, there is a man who can last with me or do you think, there's a husband who can stay with me? We might end our marriage after a few months because I can't give him what he wants. What if he wants a child? I can give it to him, but when I am close to menopause, I think. We're old enough to be able to wait. These are some of my concerns. I feel like I'm lost. I'm talking to myself, full of thoughts.

I have lots of questions and It hurts whenever I think about it. 

I'm watching my mom pressing her cellphone.

"So, when can I meet my fiancé?" I asked.

Mom smiled mischievously "Why are you excited, sweetie?"

"What? I'm just asking, so I can get ready."

"Ready for what?"

"Duhh! Mom, you know my condition right? He is a man and I need to tell him my situation."

Mom was immediately serious, "This Friday, I'll bring him here and your dad, too. We can talk about your wedding and please, sweetie, treat him nice." she said.

My forehead furrowed, "Sure, mom! Why did you think I wouldn't treat him well?"

"Remember, when you were first year high school? You were so rude to your suitors, and Oh! I can clearly remember how you put the chocolate in the garbage in front of them."

I laughed. I was rude back then and I was a bully to them, but I changed now.

"Maybe, I can do that to him too."

Mom glared at me, so I laughed.

"Just kidding" I said.

"I can't wait to see you wearing your gown and of course make sure to make love after the wedding." Mom laughed so hard that it echoed inside the mansion.

My cheeks turned red as the maids laughed at what my mom said.

"MOM!"

"What? There's nothing wrong with what I said, I just want to have grandchildren and your dad also wants that. It's just a simple request, maybe you can grant that." she said laughing.

"Mom, stop! I can give you that one, but after 3 or 6 years, I guess. I'm still young, you know?"

"Young? At the age of 26 ? Oh my Godness! Is this the effect of home schooling?" she asked in disbelief.

I just rolled my eyes. She's Overeacting, seems like mom is different. She's not like this. Maybe, she's just too happy because we won't sell the company anymore.

"Whatever!" I turned around and I heard mom's weak laugh again. I stamp my feet on the floor. "Ugh! I'm just going to sleep."

I immediately drank the juice and walked up the stairs.

"Sweet dreams, sweetie." said mom.

I walked towards her and kissed her on the cheek.

"You too, mom." I climbed up and entered my room.

I hugged my pillow and stared blankly at the wall clock.

I'm probably not going to regret my decision, am I? If he did something bad to me, I will tell my mom not to continue the marriage.

"You fool! You will lose your company!" I said to myself.

Is there really no other way?

"You want your parents to be happy right?" asking myself again.

I nodded at what my mind was saying. You made the right decision, Vianne Louisse Selvistre, for the sake of your company. Dad and mom will be happy, so I should not hesitate of doing it.

I didn't realize, I had fallen asleep.