So close

It's almost midnight.

   I quietly climb up the stairs to the rooftop. There is a little garden of flowers, now they are starting blossoming. I inhale deeply the sweet scent of them, crossing my arms across my chest. The air is cold but refreshing, it starts to calm my mind and I slowly stare up at the sky.

    It was my father who first taught me about the stars and constellation. I used to climb up a banyan tree beside our house, then jump at the roof. Dad also used to say that it was dangerous for me to go to the roof at night, but when I capriced to him to teach me the names of stars, he couldn't deny me. It's a moonless night, yeah, there is my favorite star, Rigil Kentaurus. I sigh again, watching the large constellation Ursa Major. Why am I sighing? Shouldn't I be happy tonight? Is something bothering me?

"Watching stars?" a male voice says behind me, his footsteps approaching. "Tonight it has a nice view, I see."

"Where is Lucas? Did he leave?" I ask him.

  Storm drops himself on the floor beside me, leaning at the railing, then pulls out a bottle from his coat pocket. "Hm-mm. I haven't seen him since he was talking to a guy, drinking, actually their eyes were talking, fingers lightly touching," he opens the cork. "Don't you think that he left with that guy? Enjoying a hot night with him?"

"What guy?" I frown at him.

"C'mon, Ced. I get it that he's your friend, but he's a big boy, isn't he?" he pats the floor beside him. "Have a drink with me. Trust me, I'm not the world's worst company," he puts off his coat and spreads out it on the floor.

I look down at him for a while, then sit on his coat. "I know you're not."

"You almost sound apologetic," he laughs, then gives me the wine. "Hey, do you see what is it in the bottle? Can you see me?"

"Huh, of course I see. There's enough light from the stars," I inhale deeply the smell of the wine. "It's red wine, old," I take a long sip.

"From the wine cellar. Twenty years ago's. I already told Grandmother and she said I can have it," he chuckles gently, seeming to be a good mood. 

"Did you go to the family meeting?" I'm slightly curious about what happened in there.

"No," he lits a cigarette, his face looking sweaty at the match fire. "You know why, you said it yourself. I'll never be a fucking Praisly, eh? I do not belong here."

I glance down at my phone, it's midnight.

"Happy birthday, Storm," I say to him.

"Thank you!" he tilts his head to me surprisingly, "How did you know that it's my birthday?"

"Guess I have a good memory," I take the cigarette from him. "Since it's your birthday, can you answer me a question, Storm?" I take the smoke deeply, puffing out.

"What is it?" 

"Can you tell me what were you talking about with Uncle Jason?" I stare at him. Jason Praisly is the eldest brother of my father, one of the my least favorite persons in this world.

He stares back at me, then places the wine bottle other side of him. "The door ahead of you is closed from outside, Cedron," he whispers into my ear. "There is nobody else, except you and me, and some inert flowers and the night sky above our heads. Guests are still downstairs, dancing, drinking, pleasing each other wildly in bed. Your parents already went back to their house, your that homo friend too and Grandmother thinks you're happily sleeping in your childhood room," he says coldly, watching me intently for an answer.

I smile bitterly, "Oh, that's great."

I look away from him, biting my lips hard. So, this is how it is going to end, huh? All of this? All of my moments, my happiness, my sadness, my memories? A tear falls from the corner my eye. Why are you crying, you silly boy? You can't cry, remember?

"Why does it have to be you?" I say, looking into his blue eyes. "Did he think a familiar face would take all the pain away? Did he think your face would comfort me? Did he think that I would be your biggest birthday present ever of your fucking life?"

"Uncle Jason is one of the seven Protectors, maybe you didn't know," he whispers, taking my hand. "He just wanted me to learn a lesson at my twenty-seven year. He has to protect all of us, Cedron, and you're one of the obstacles. He wanted to make it quick and less painful for you, as you're his niece."

"Do you think Aunt Pearl will ever forgive you, Storm?"

"She will never know, Cedron."

"Can I see it?" I whisper slowly.

He pulls out it from his pants pocket and drops it on my open palm.

Oh, here it is.

The golden colored bullet is carved by my name, 'Cedron'. Suddenly, yes God, suddenly I don't feel anger boiling in my inside anymore. I feel a hole, an infinite, vast hole, emerging in my mind like wind, taking all of my sensations away, shattering them, breaking them, annihilating them. A voice strongly whispers a psalm in my head,

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

"You didn't see that coming, did you? You should have," Storm slowly pulls out the revolver from his waist, exhaling sharply. "I want to__ I want to say sorry to you, but perhaps I better not, right? What's the damn point of apologizing when I am going to kill you, ah?" He stands up, pointing the gun at my head.

Are you with me now, God? Don't you see my own family wants me dead?

I stand up, too, making up my mind.

"Any last words, Cedron Praisly?"

"I want to tell you a little story, Storm, which you don't know fully," I take a deep breath, smiling at him. "I used to know a girl once, she was like my big sister. She had thick, curly red hair all over her head, an amazing shiny smile which made everything around her shining, too. She used to tell me things about you," I wipe the corner of my eyes. "She told me how you spent your time with her, how you talked with her, how you cared about her. She was your cousin, too."

"Don't," he warns me, his hand shaking.

"When she died, I started to watch you. I watched you for months, watched you sitting in front of her grave, reading her aloud your journals. Then, I realized," I chuckle, standing so close to my death. "You weren't an utter beast, you know? You loved her. And you thought nobody knew that about you, but see? I knew. I have known all along these years."

"You're ruining your last living moments by saying a bullshit story, Cedron," he cocks the gun, breathing heavily.

"Her name was Megan," I draw a crucifix over my chest. "Storm, I want you to look into my eyes, just my eyes, no blinking and remember our childhood. Your childhood. The moments you spent with your love, the moments full of herself."

"This ain't going to work on me," he yells at me, yet he's crying hard.

"Okay. But you're crying, you coward. Even though you refuse to admit that you loved her. How would she feel if she was here now, huh? And you're also a coward because you can't pull the trigger, Storm."

"SHUT UP, CEDRON!" he yells again.

I put a hand on the railing. "Death is going to come for me, for all of us, I know that. Death will come for me whether I want it to come or not."

He grips the gun tightly, grimacing.

"But not now," I jump off the railing.

It's almost midnight.

   I quietly climb up the stairs to the rooftop. There is a little garden of flowers, now they are starting blossoming. I inhale deeply the sweet scent of them, crossing my arms across my chest. The air is cold but refreshing, it starts to calm my mind and I slowly stare up at the sky.

    It was my father who first taught me about the stars and constellation. I used to climb up a banyan tree beside our house, then jump at the roof. Dad also used to say that it was dangerous for me to go to the roof at night, but when I capriced to him to teach me the names of stars, he couldn't deny me. It's a moonless night, yeah, there is my favorite star, Rigil Kentaurus. I sigh again, watching the large constellation Ursa Major. Why am I sighing? Shouldn't I be happy tonight? Is something bothering me?

"Watching stars?" a male voice says behind me, his footsteps approaching. "Tonight it has a nice view, I see."

"Where is Lucas? Did he leave?" I ask him.

  Storm drops himself on the floor beside me, leaning at the railing, then pulls out a bottle from his coat pocket. "Hm-mm. I haven't seen him since he was talking to a guy, drinking, actually their eyes were talking, fingers lightly touching," he opens the cork. "Don't you think that he left with that guy? Enjoying a hot night with him?"

"What guy?" I frown at him.

"C'mon, Ced. I get it that he's your friend, but he's a big boy, isn't he?" he pats the floor beside him. "Have a drink with me. Trust me, I'm not the world's worst company," he puts off his coat and spreads out it on the floor.

I look down at him for a while, then sit on his coat. "I know you're not."

"You almost sound apologetic," he laughs, then gives me the wine. "Hey, do you see what is it in the bottle? Can you see me?"

"Huh, of course I see. There's enough light from the stars," I inhale deeply the smell of the wine. "It's red wine, old," I take a long sip.

"From the wine cellar. Twenty years ago's. I already told Grandmother and she said I can have it," he chuckles gently, seeming to be a good mood. 

"Did you go to the family meeting?" I'm slightly curious about what happened in there.

"No," he lits a cigarette, his face looking sweaty at the match fire. "You know why, you said it yourself. I'll never be a fucking Praisly, eh? I do not belong here."

I glance down at my phone, it's midnight.

"Happy birthday, Storm," I say to him.

"Thank you!" he tilts his head to me surprisingly, "How did you know that it's my birthday?"

"Guess I have a good memory," I take the cigarette from him. "Since it's your birthday, can you answer me a question, Storm?" I take the smoke deeply, puffing out.

"What is it?" 

"Can you tell me what were you talking about with Uncle Jason?" I stare at him. Jason Praisly is the eldest brother of my father, one of the my least favorite persons in this world.

He stares back at me, then places the wine bottle other side of him. "The door ahead of you is closed from outside, Cedron," he whispers into my ear. "There is nobody else, except you and me, and some inert flowers and the night sky above our heads. Guests are still downstairs, dancing, drinking, pleasing each other wildly in bed. Your parents already went back to their house, your that homo friend too and Grandmother thinks you're happily sleeping in your childhood room," he says coldly, watching me intently for an answer.

I smile bitterly, "Oh, that's great."

I look away from him, biting my lips hard. So, this is how it is going to end, huh? All of this? All of my moments, my happiness, my sadness, my memories? A tear falls from the corner my eye. Why are you crying, you silly boy? You can't cry, remember?

"Why does it have to be you?" I say, looking into his blue eyes. "Did he think a familiar face would take all the pain away? Did he think your face would comfort me? Did he think that I would be your biggest birthday present ever of your fucking life?"

"Uncle Jason is one of the seven Protectors, maybe you didn't know," he whispers, taking my hand. "He just wanted me to learn a lesson at my twenty-seven year. He has to protect all of us, Cedron, and you're one of the obstacles. He wanted to make it quick and less painful for you, as you're his niece."

"Do you think Aunt Pearl will ever forgive you, Storm?"

"She will never know, Cedron."

"Can I see it?" I whisper slowly.

He pulls out it from his pants pocket and drops it on my open palm.

Oh, here it is.

The golden colored bullet is carved by my name, 'Cedron'. Suddenly, yes God, suddenly I don't feel anger boiling in my inside anymore. I feel a hole, an infinite, vast hole, emerging in my mind like wind, taking all of my sensations away, shattering them, breaking them, annihilating them. A voice strongly whispers a psalm in my head,

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

"You didn't see that coming, did you? You should have," Storm slowly pulls out the revolver from his waist, exhaling sharply. "I want to__ I want to say sorry to you, but perhaps I better not, right? What's the damn point of apologizing when I am going to kill you, ah?" He stands up, pointing the gun at my head.

Are you with me now, God? Don't you see my own family wants me dead?

I stand up, too, making up my mind.

"Any last words, Cedron Praisly?"

"I want to tell you a little story, Storm, which you don't know fully," I take a deep breath, smiling at him. "I used to know a girl once, she was like my big sister. She had thick, curly red hair all over her head, an amazing shiny smile which made everything around her shining, too. She used to tell me things about you," I wipe the corner of my eyes. "She told me how you spent your time with her, how you talked with her, how you cared about her. She was your cousin, too."

"Don't," he warns me, his hand shaking.

"When she died, I started to watch you. I watched you for months, watched you sitting in front of her grave, reading her aloud your journals. Then, I realized," I chuckle, standing so close to my death. "You weren't an utter beast, you know? You loved her. And you thought nobody knew that about you, but see? I knew. I have known all along these years."

"You're ruining your last living moments by saying a bullshit story, Cedron," he cocks the gun, breathing heavily.

"Her name was Megan," I draw a crucifix over my chest. "Storm, I want you to look into my eyes, just my eyes, no blinking and remember our childhood. Your childhood. The moments you spent with your love, the moments full of herself."

"This ain't going to work on me," he yells at me, yet he's crying hard.

"Okay. But you're crying, you coward. Even though you refuse to admit that you loved her. How would she feel if she was here now, huh? And you're also a coward because you can't pull the trigger, Storm."

"SHUT UP, CEDRON!" he yells again.

I put a hand on the railing. "Death is going to come for me, for all of us, I know that. Death will come for me whether I want it to come or not."

He grips the gun tightly, grimacing.

"But not now," I jump off the railing.