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CHAPTER 147
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A vow of hate CHAPTER 148
I was already rushing toward the door when Carol opened it, looking for me. I heard the sound Christian made, even through the walls, and I knew he needed me.Screw protocol.I hurried to his bedside. He was almost panting in his panic, a sheen of sweat on his forehead. His hands were wrapped tight around the bed rails, and the stark fear in his eyes made my heart ache. I brushed my hand over his forehead, leaning in as close as I could. “Shh, Christian, I’m here, my love. I’m here.” My touch seemed to calm him. I ran my hand down his arm, loosening his grip from the metal. I intertwined our fingers, lifting his hand to my mouth. “Right here,” I repeated, hating seeing him so unsettled, so vulnerable. So unlike the Christian I knew.Alan stood on the other side of his bed. “Listen to your wife, Mr. Walker. Breathe with her and try to relax. I’ll explain more when you’re ready.”I pressed his hand to my chest and breathed long and slow. He struggled to calm down, finally relaxing, the
A vow of hate CHAPTER 149
Christian looked determined the next morning, despite not sleeping well. He kept waking up all night, confused and worried. Even after I would get him settled, I felt the tension and concern radiating from him. He kept his eyes shut, but I knew he was pretending. I knew him well enough to know his mind would be racing, sorting and filing away all the information he had and figuring out how to deal with it. I wanted him to talk to me, yet I also knew that he needed to do this. It was the only way Christian could cope.He picked at his breakfast, pushed the food around with his spoon, made disgusted faces at the oatmeal and juice, before he finally pushed away the tray.“What time is Valerie coming?” He asked, totally forgetting about the food. “Valerie will be here in about an hour with Sarah and Grandpa. Mia has a little cold, so she’s staying home, we can’t risk you getting infected or something. You have to see the doctor and the physio people this afternoon. I don’t want you to ge
A vow of hate CHAPTER 150
Maddox came out of Christian’s room, his suitcase in hand. He had been a tower of strength for me, and I was going to miss him. But he had a wife that missed him, a job that had been pushed aside too long on our behalf, and a life he needed to return to.He dropped his case and swept me in for a hug. “If you need me, I’m a call away. I can be here in a day.” “Thank you for everything,” I murmured, the words somehow inadequate. He pulled back. “It’s not going to be easy, Hazel. Be strong.” He glanced at Christian’s closed door, a faint scowl on his face. “He’s holding himself in.” “I know.” I had seen a subtle change in Christian the past few days. He spoke less, snapped more, and barely acknowledged the future. I watched him with the therapists. The determination I had seen the first day he woke was dimming. I encouraged him—everyone did—reminding him it would take time and patience, and although he nodded, I worried he didn’t believe us. If he gave up, he had no ch
A vow of hate CHAPTER 151
I stood back, watching Christian argue with Doris the entire time she got him ready for his shower. I refused to apologize. If this was his way of doing better, life was going to be hard for the next while.In the private bathroom, Doris lowered Christian into the enclosed bath chair. “Are you sure you can do this?” she asked me. “I can get in a male orderly if you prefer.” Christian hated strangers touching him, which was one reason he was being such a difficult patient. “No, I’ll be fine.” “All right, I’ll leave you to it. Hit the call button when you’re ready, and we’ll get him settled back into his room.” She pulled the curtain closed, giving us privacy. I undressed, then slipped Christian’s gown from his shoulders, turning on the water and making sure it was warm. I adjusted the seat for him and let the water rain down on his head. He slumped forward, all the tension leaving his body. My anger slipped away at his posture, and I ran my hand over his shoulders. He gra
A vow of hate CHAPTER 152
Christian didn’t appreciate any of the changes. In fact, they either annoyed him, or caused another outburst. The repositioning of the furniture in the family room to make space for the exercise equipment was met with a glare and a downturn of his mouth. The lowered cabinet so he could reach the Keurig and make coffee was greeted with silence. The rearrangement of his office and the added height to his desk so he could get his wheelchair tucked under the edge earned mutterings and a glower. Refusing to let him see my rising frustration, I opened the door to the new elevator with a flourish. “Ta-da!” “Are you fucking kidding me with this?” he growled. “Christian!” I gasped, indicating Valerie, who was staring at him with round eyes. “You expect me to use that?” He kept talking, ignoring the fact that he had dropped the f-bomb in front of our daughter and was acting like a jerk. I remained calm. “If you want to get upstairs, you will.” “This is what yo
A vow of hate CHAPTER 153
CHRISTIAN“Valerie, stop it,” I ordered. “I can’t cope with you right now.” She frowned, furrowing her brow the same way Hazel did when confused. Normally, I would find it adorable—today, I found it annoying. I glanced at my watch. How long was Hazel going to be in the shower? “What’s cope, Daddy?” she asked, milk dripping from her spoon as she stared at me. I stifled my groan. She was getting milk everywhere-- on her face, her hair, on the table and on me. She was also chatting nonsense, the same way she did every morning, and usually it was endearing and I would listen to her intently, but things had changed, and I wasn’t in the mood. I was never in the mood anymore. My body ached, my head hurt, and I was impatient. I hadn’t slept well again, and all I wanted was to be alone. I needed time to think without people hovering and my thoughts always interrupted. “It doesn’t matter,” I snapped. She stared at me, her lip quivering. “Is you mad, Daddy?”“Daddy?”
A vow of hate CHAPTER 154
“What about the pain? It hits me and renders me numb—why can’t you get that to stop?” He spoke slowly. “You’ve been checked and tested, Christian. Several times. Some pain is normal, but what you describe…” His voice trailed off. “There isn’t a cause that can be found, and I agree with the doctor’s assessment. It could be a phantom pain—something locked in your psyche only you can break.” I pounded my hands on the armrests. “Enough of the mental bullshit mumbo jumbo. It’s not in my fucking head. I feel it. I live it. If you’re not up to the challenge, I’ll find someone who is. Do your job. Fix me.” He picked up his bag, not reacting to my anger. “I am doing my job, Christian. You’re the one who isn’t giving one hundred percent. I think you need to talk to someone—someone who can help you work out this anger.” I glared at him. I was getting tired of people’s advice. The carefully chosen words that included professional and mind over matter. All bullshit. “I
A vow of hate CHAPTER 155
HAZELI pulled up in front of Grandpa and Sarah’s house and turned off the engine. I glanced in the rearview mirror, not surprised to see Valerie asleep. After getting her a treat of her favorite donut, and a cup of coffee for me, I had driven aimlessly for almost an hour, trying to collect my thoughts and calm down.Christian’s words ran through my head on an endless repeat. His actions frightened me. His impatience with our children. His cutting remarks. The way he sneered my name. I wasn’t lying when I said it was as if the old Christian had been resurrected in front of my eyes. The tone of his voice had been icy and uncaring—the same way he used to speak to me before he changed.Or had he changed? Was he right, and I had refused to see?I rested my head against my hands that clutched the steering wheel. No. Christian was hurting. Scared. He fell back on his old habits and lashed out. However, I wouldn’t allow him to take out his temper on our child. I could handle it, but not her.
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