Chapter 4: Sinful Thoughts

IRIS

The engine roared, cutting off whatever sound I thought I heard behind me. I watched the car speed down the driveway and turn onto the private narrow road.

My heart sank. Eli was gone, and I hadn't even got to look at his face.

What is wrong with you? I mentally scolded myself, my face heating up. I shouldn't care where he went. But before I could push the thought down, the front door clicked open. Savannah walked out. Her eyes locked straight onto mine.

"What are you staring at instead of working?" she snapped.

I opened my mouth, but the words died in my throat. Savannah didn't wait for me to speak. She pointed a sharp finger at the ground.

"Get on your knees. Work through the garden beds thoroughly."

I stood there, my stomach tightening. Agatha told me the gardener was coming tomorrow and I only needed to pick up the loose dirt in the front. I wanted to tell her that. I wanted to say it wasn't my job. But looking at Savannah’s cold glare, the words wouldn't come. I was here to work. I had to endure this if I wanted to save Joseph.

"Yes, ma'am," I whispered.

I dropped down. The sharp granite stones bit into my bare knees immediately. Savannah gave me one last disgusted look, turned around, and walked back inside, leaving me alone under the boiling sun.

Hours passed, but I couldn't tell the time. I just crawled along the dirt, pulling out weeds one by one. The heat pressed heavy on my back, making the light blue uniform stick to my skin. By the time I reached the last flower bed, my legs were trembling so hard I could barely stand up.

My knees were red, raw, and bleeding from the stones. My fingers throbbed, black dirt caked deep under my sore nails. My stomach twisted painfully, and the breakfast I ate earlier threatened to come right back up.

I dragged myself toward the back of the house and pushed the kitchen door open. The chef was standing at the counter. He took one look at my face and the blood on my knees, and his expression softened into pity.

"Go to your room and wash up," he said quietly. "Take a rest. There are no chores for you now, but everyone will be busy later this afternoon."

"Thank you," I rasped.

Before I could turn away, he handed me a plate with a small, beautiful dessert on it. "Eat this after your bath. You need it."

I took the plate, nodding with real gratitude, and hurried down the hallway. I didn't see anyone on the way to the servants' quarters, thank God. I slipped into my room, set the plate on the nightstand, and unbuttoned my uniform.

My body was ached everywhere. As I pulled the light blue dress down, the fabric brushed against my nipples, causing a sharp, stinging sensation that made me gasp. I stepped out of my underwear and froze.

A thick, strange wetness coated the fabric. It was a slick trail leading right from my privates.

A small shriek escaped my lips. I clamped my hand over my mouth instantly, my eyes flying to the closed door, my chest heaving. I held my breath, listening for any footsteps in the hallway. Nothing. The house was completely quiet.

I stared at the underwear, my mind spinning into panic mode. What was this? I thought about the strict morality lessons at the church orphanage. The Reverend Mother always talked about the sins of the flesh—the corrupt, wicked things that happened to a woman's body when she harbored unholy thoughts outside of marriage.

My mind flashed straight back to the dining room. I saw Eli’s dark eyes assessing my body. I remembered suffocating heat that filled my stomach when our eyes met.

Oh no. No, no, no.

Panic took over. I rushed into the small adjoining bathroom and turned the water on full blast. I grabbed the soap and began scrubbing my skin under the cold spray. I rubbed my thighs, my stomach, and my hands until my skin was bright pink and burning, trying to wash away the feeling, trying to clear Eli from my head.

When I finally stepped out, wrapped in a towel, my teeth were chattering. I sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed a bit of cream onto my scraped knees. I looked at the dirty uniform on the floor, dreading the thought of putting it back on, then looked toward the small wardrobe. I walked over and pulled the wooden doors open.

Inside, another light blue uniform lay neatly folded on the shelf. I sighed with relief. Why didn't Agatha mention the extra pair earlier? I pulled it on quickly, the clean fabric cooling my irritated skin. I took my old, shabby clothes from my bag, hid them in the back of the wardrobe, and sat down.

I took a bite of the dessert. The richness of it hit my tongue, and a low sound escaped my throat. It was incredibly sweet and heavy, nothing like the watery porridge at the orphanage. Being wealthy meant everything they touched was perfect.

I finished the plate, lay back on the mattress, and let sleep take over.

***

"Take this tray to the dining room and come back here immediately," Agatha said, handing me the heavy silver dishes later that afternoon.

I held the tray tight against my chest and walked into the grand dining room. The long table was completely empty. I set the food down as quickly and quietly as I could, but a small, stubborn feeling of disappointment rose in my chest when I realized Eli wasn't there. I hadn't seen him since the morning.

“Stop it,” I told myself, clearing the thought away. I hurried back to the kitchen.

I watched Agatha pick up a smaller tray and walk out. A few minutes later, the muffled voices of the family traveled down the hall from the dining room. I stayed near the kitchen counter, waiting for Agatha to return, but she took a long time.

By nightfall, my chores were finally over. I dried my hands on a towel after washing the last of the dinner dishes and walked into the sitting room. I moved around the space, checking the tables and chairs to make sure no stray glasses or mess had been left behind by the family.

Everything was clean. I turned to walk back to my room, but a sudden loud voice made me stop near the grand staircase.

It was Savannah. The shouting was coming from the far end of the hallway behind the stairs, right opposite the corridor that led to the servants' rooms. I hesitated, my feet digging into the marble. I knew I should ignore it and walk away, but the shouting was so intense I worried someone was hurting her.

"It’s always about the money when it comes to you," a deep, rough voice echoed.

Eli.

"You have it, Eli, and I’m putting it to good use," Savannah shot back, her voice sharp and biting. "For you, for your daughter."

Before I could even take a step backward to hide, the door at the end of the hall swung wide open.

I froze, completely trapped in the open space. Eli stepped out into the hallway, his face tight with fury, his jaw clenched hard.

But the moment his eyes landed on me, he stopped. The intense anger in his expression faded, his sharp features softening the exact second he realized I was the one standing there.

"Leave," he said.

His voice wasn't loud. It wasn't mean or angry either. It sounded calm, almost like he was doing me a favor. Like he was telling me to get out of sight before Savannah walked out and caught me listening to their business.

My feet moved on autopilot, responding to his order instantly. I turned around and ran down the opposite hallway, my breath coming in short gasps. I burst into my room, shut the wooden door, and leaned my back against it, my heart pounding hard against my ribs.

I was trembling all over. He had caught me breaking the rules, but the image of his face softening when he looked at me wouldn't leave my mind. My heart skipped a beat, and I swallowed hard to calm myself down.

I walked away from the door, sat on the edge of my bed, and reached for my Bible. I held the worn book tight against my chest, needing something holy to protect my mind from the thoughts of the master of the house.