Chapter 4 The life of Jessica

On the other hand, it’s 3:00 am Asian country.

Jessica is sitting inside a company shuttle service. While on the ride she decided to read the messages on her cellphone that she missed to reply to because she was busy at work yesterday. The shuttle service is heading to the company now. Because it’s a two hours ride Jessica still has time to reply to all the messages she has on her phone. Almost all the messages came from her family, some of her friends and from Zamir.

She was finished replying to all the messages that came from her family and friends when she decided to delete the message of Zamir for she is not interested to send any message to him. But when she long pressed the message of Zamir to delete all the conversation, the messenger app hung and when it responded again Zamir message chat head opened instead of being deleted. Simultaneously the messenger apps receive a message so other chat heads open. Then there are three message chat heads open. The messages came from Jessica’s friends in her hometown.

They just saying “Hello” that’s why Jessica in returned just type “Hi, how are you?” and she is about to send it to one of her friend but she didn’t notice that instead of typing it to her friend message chat head, she accidentally press the message chat head of Zamir and the message was about to send to Zamir. But just a matter of seconds Jessica noticed it and tried to cancel it as fast as she could but it was too late. The message sent to Zamir.

Jessica tried to unsent the message but unfortunately the messenger app hung again and when it functioned she already got an answer from Zamir.

“Hello, I’m fine. How about you? ” Zamir replied.

“I’m fine. But honestly that message is not for you. I just sent it the wrong way. I’m sorry if I disturbed you.” Jessica replied.

Jessica just replied because of guilt. Why does she feel guilty? Because Zamir made an effort to reply to her message thinking that the message is for himself without knowing that she sent it wrong.

Another reason why she replied is because she thinks that if she replies that way, Zamir will stop replying and that’s what Jessica wants. Jessica wants to stop sending messages to Zamir and she also wants Zamir to stop sending messages to her.

But why? What is the reason behind this?

Because Jessica doesn’t want to have an emotional attachment to anyone else. She is an intimacy phobic person. Intimacy phobias are after one thing, and that is to avoid being hurt. She doesn’t want to get hurt.

Jessica fears that she will get close to Zamir if they continue sending messages to each other. They are starting to share thoughts so Jessica is afraid that it will lead to friendship.

Jessica’s thinking is advanced even though it’s not happening or will not happen or maybe will happen. She’s thinking of this scenario, “What if they become friends and that friendship ends.”

Why does Jessica have all these worries and fears? As mentioned she has a psychological disorder or personality disorder but that thing is unknown to her. Jessica didn’t know that she had that condition. She will not determine it unless it is diagnosed.

Her emotion is splitting again. Splitting is a defense mechanism; an unconscious attempt to safeguard ego and prevent anxiety. She is often terrified that others will leave her. She has an intense fear of abandonment.

Jessica didn’t expect that she would get another reply from Zamir.

“It’s okay! No worries? So what are you doing right now?” Zamira said.

“I’m taking care of my child”, Jessica lied to Zamir.

That is what she mentioned to Zamir right now because that’s the lie she told him from the start that she has a husband and a child even though she has none for she is single like Zamir.

But Jessica decided to continue that lie and stand for it because she doesn’t want to give her true personal info to Zamir.

Because of that reply, Jessica didn’t get any message from Zamir until the company’s shuttle service arrived at the company where she is working.

Zamir didn’t reply because he felt a little bit embarrassed for himself because he is thinking all this time that Jessica is also interested in chatting. He almost forgot what Jessica said from the day they started sending messages to each other. He almost forgot that Jessica said that she is married and has a child.

An hour had passed. Zamir is still hesitant if he will reply again to Jessica or not. But after an hour he picked up his cellphone and decided to reply, telling himself this reason: “Maybe it’s not wrong to continue chatting with her for us just basically chatting and nothing more.”

Then he sends this message to Jessica before he goes to bed. ”Sorry for not responding, I’m just a little bit busy.”

He felt sleepy waiting for Jessica’s reply but he got nothing.

It’s 10:00 am Monday, in Asian country.

Zamir didn’t receive a reply from Jessica because she is very busy doing her job at her workplace. In addition to that her superior is around so she cannot use a cellphone because it is forbidden by the management to use a phone if the employees are in their workplace.

Its 3:00 am Monday, in Albania

Because Zamir is tired he falls asleep. It’s already daybreak when he falls asleep as he continues studying the business proposal while waiting for Jessica’s reply.

Zamir is sleeping soundly. But most often in the early morning hours Zamir experiences nightmares. Like this time, in his nightmare he see these scenes:

In his nightmare, he is still a 10-year old boy. And it is late on bitterly cold winter’s evening. He is wandering around in the cold streets of Tirana. He was barefoot. He is standing on the corner of a very busy street. He is hungry and trembling with cold. Because he was hungry and felt so cold he tried to draw attention and beg.

“Alms! Alms, Spare me your mercy!“

“Alms! Alms, Spare me your mercy!“

People were passing by but no one looked at him. No one stopped to give him anything. His thin hands were almost dead with cold. He starves to death. He can bear no more.

BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZ!

Zamir’s cell phone vibrated. He received a message.Zamir woke up from a deep sleep because his cell phone was on his bed. It fell from his hand and dropped on his side when he fell asleep.

******

It’s 11:00 am Monday, in Asia country and 4:00 am Monday, in Albania.

It’s 11:00 am. so it’s time for Jessica’s lunch break. Time for a subsidized meal at the canteen. On this day, Jessica had rice and fried chicken. While Jessica is eating her lunch, she checks the messages on her cellphone. There is a message from Zamir again.

”Sorry for not responding, I’m just a little bit busy.” Zamir’s message.

“So what?” Jessica types that message, she is about to send it to Zamir but she changes her mind so she deletes it again.

(“So what? “Used to mean “it’s not important“ and “I don’t care“)

Instead of that message Jessica sent this,” It’s ok. No worries.”

That moment Zamir woke from his nightmare because his phone vibrated when he received the message. Even though he was catching his breath because of what he saw in his nightmare, the smile across his face when he read the message from Jessica.

******

Time goes by.

Jessica and Zamir never noticed that they were continuously communicating with each other even though they both had doubts and hesitations to communicate with each other. And sometimes they both want to stop sending messages to each other.

Why? Jessica doesn’t trust strangers. Also she believes that in this life everything is temporary; Emotions, thoughts, people, scenery; everything is bound to end; Do not become attached.”

For Zamir it’s just a waste of time to chat with strangers because he is a very busy person. He has a limited free time or almost sometimes no free time at all.

But in spite of their reasons they found themselves still chatting with each other.They couldn’t help it. Until they became friends.

When Zamir showed kindness to Jessica,Jessica learned to trust him even though he is just a stranger. Jessica considers him as a friend.

It’s just because Zamir noticed that there is something wrong with Jessica he decided to become Jessica’s friend. Zamir knows that Jessica needs someone, a friend who will listen to her. He noticed it when Jessica asked him,” Can we be friends?”

Without hesitation Zamir answered her “Sure.”

And from that moment, when Zamir said that they are friends Jessica believes in his word. Hoping their friendship would last. Jessica finds a special friend in Zamir.

Zamir is still a stranger even though they are friends. For there’s no chance for them to see each other in person, Jessica can tell him her problems without hesitation. Because sometimes it’s easy to tell your problems and secrets to strangers rather than to those who know you.

Zamir understands her, always giving her good advice on how to cope up with her problems. Zamir found time to be her friend. Even in his busy schedule he found time to reply to every message of Jessica knowing that Jessica will always wait for his reply.

Unknowingly Jessica slowly falls for Zamir. And vice versa. Zamir slowly falls for Jessica but he ignores his own feelings. For what he knew is; “Jessica is married”. Because Jessica lied to him from the start.

Lie that Jessica can’t take back because she fears that Zamir would not trust her anymore; she stands for it; that she has a husband and kids even though she is single.

“Anyway Zamir wouldn’t find out that I’m telling lies because we don’t have mutual friends. Besides, there’s no chance that we can see each other in person.” Jessica told herself.

Because they are friends Zamir also learned to reveal some personal things about his life to Jessica like; Sometimes Zamir talked about that someday he would find a woman to marry and share the rest of her life with. He wants to make a family. And if he saw a woman that got his attention he would tell it to Jessica. Unknowingly that sometimes Jessica gets annoyed because she has feelings for Zamir that she also ignores like what Zamir does.

Jessica’s reasons are different from what Zamir has. Jessica told herself that she will never fall for someone again unless there will be someone ready to share true love to her. Because she has been wrong many times before and doesn’t want to be wrong anymore.She is tired of being abandoned so he warned herself to stop before she falls in love again. But love is knocking her heart once more. And her lonely heart played the part of the fool again. Jessica ignores her feelings most of the time but it remains and she can’t erase it.

So when Zamir tells her that he will meet the woman he wants as if on a date she can’t help herself to get jealous. But Jessica considers Zamir as a friend so she listens to what Zamir is telling and sometimes she even wishes that Zamir will find the right woman for him to marry. And when Zamir tells her that he failed to meet the woman he likes because of his busy schedule Jessica’s feelings are mixed.

Mixed feelings because she felt sad because she knew that Zamir was sad about what had happened to his supposed date. She wants Zamir to be happy. But she can’t help being happy when Zamir and the woman fail to see each other. For her it means that they can still communicate with each other.

Jessica fears that if Zamir finds a girlfriend he will stop the communication and the friendship that they have.

Jessica didn’t know that Zamir noticed her reaction, that she is jealous but also feels sad if he failed to meet the woman he wants. Zamir knew because Jessica once asked him that if that woman would be his girlfriend will they stop chatting. In spite of Zameer like the woman; he is also afraid to lose Jessica as a friend. He immediately explained to Jessica that,” there’s nothing wrong with still chatting with each other for we are just friends and nothing more than that.”

Zamir promised that even if he got a girlfriend they would remain friends. But Jessica being abandoned with her previous relationship partners still have a doubt on what Zamir had promised.

Because even Jessica’s male friends avoid her when they get a girlfriend because they are afraid that their woman will get jealous of her. Jessica has extraordinary beauty that makes other women insecure.

But Zamir still didn’t see the real face or appearance of Jessica for all her photos in her social media accounts are fake.

On the other hand, the photos of Zamir on his social media accounts are real.

What will happen next to their friendship is just a piece of a puzzle for destiny is out of control. Will Zamir keep his promise? Will Zamir know how to keep his promise?Will they remain just friends? Will one of them reveal the true feelings they have for each other?

Will Jessica reveal the truth that she has no husband and child?

Will Zamir still trust Jessica when he knows that Jessica has just lied to him about her true civil status?