It was a fun-filled morning in the driest sense.
I awoke in pain—something I knew was going to be my constant companion for the months to come. As soon as the nurses knew I was awake, they pumped me full of more pain meds. The drugs helped, but made me a little on the loopy side.
Not what I needed to be when my first guests of the day arrived: police officers. They’d come to take my statement in regards to the accident, and unfortunately I was unable to recall anything. The last thing I remembered was running out to my car in the rain and then waking to Nathan calling my name in the hospital halls.
They asked me where I was headed, did I see the van, was it still raining, what color was the light? Standard questions, but I was getting more and more annoyed with their attempts to get some answers out of me other than the only one I had: I don’t remember anything. They weren’t going to jog my memory.
Got in the car, woke in the hospital. End of story.
It surprised me when the officers questioned me about the call I had made to Nathan before the paramedics arrived. I had no recollection of it at all, but I remembered Caroline mentioning the previous night I had done so.
After a few minutes, they grew frustrated with my non answers and left, stating they would be in touch. I knew they would, but I still didn’t have any answers on how I ended up here besides what I’d been told.
An hour after the police left there was a light rapping at my door, and I looked up to find the older woman with the gray-streaked brown hair standing in the doorway.
“Good morning, Lila. Might I join you?”
I blinked up at her. “Who are you?”
“I’m sorry we haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Sarah Thorne, Nathan’s mother,” she said.
I was a little hesitant, but she had a sweet, infectious smile. My head tilted as I looked at her, taking her in before speaking. “It’s nice to meet you. I take it you already know who I am?”
She nodded. “And I must say, after George told me about you, I dreamed of meeting you. However, I never envisioned our first meetings to be with you in a hospital bed.”
“You dreamed about meeting me?” I asked in wonder.
“Of course! We’ve all been waiting for Nathan to return, and when I heard he was in a relationship, I couldn’t contain myself.” Her smile faded. “Though I never thought our first meeting would be while you were in a self-induced coma because of my son.”
I scrunched my brow and thought back to that time. There was a faint memory of an unknown voice. My eyes widened. “Oh! That was you?”
She blinked at me. “You remember me?”
“I remember a voice that spoke to me in a different emotion than the other unknowns.”
“Well, when I heard you had no one and Nathan was there all of the time—”
I interrupted her. “Wait. What about Nathan?”
“You didn’t know?” she asked, genuine surprise in her expression.
“Know what?”
“He spent every free moment they would allow outside your hospital door.”
I was in shock from her revelation. Not only that, I was pissed. I had suspected he was there, and she had just confirmed it all.
“I know you’re upset with him, it’s written all over your face, but I want you to know and realize he didn’t abandon you,” she said, her tone urging and pleading with me. “Let him explain, let him tell his story. I hope when you hear all he has to say you’ll try to forgive him.”
“I can’t promise you anything.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m imploring you to hear him out, before you write him off for good. He cares so much for you.”
“Okay.” I hoped she was right, but I had my doubts. Nathan walked away, not me. Was I supposed to act like he hadn’t kicked me to the curb like garbage?
I felt confused. I wanted to believe her so much—every fiber of my being begged for it—but my heart was still bleeding out over his rejection. Letting him talk to me might be tantamount to ripping the bandages back off my gushing, wounded heart. How would I survive?
I was already a step away from being completely obliterated by him the first time he ended things with me. Wasn’t being in the hospital proof enough for them? Yet, his mother sat in front of me, begging me to hear him out.
I closed my eyes and tried to calm my fraying soul.
Just listen to her, Lila. She seems like a nice woman, and she’s a mother. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt you…
That thought died as an image of my father, Steven, popped into my head. He was supposed to be the one to protect me and love me, but he’d hurt me the most.
No, she’s not him. Stop thinking that way!
I took in a slow, even, measured breath, opened my eyes, and tried to silence my mind, focusing on what else she might want to say to me. She took the time to visit me; the least I could do was listen to her.
She steered the conversation away from Nathan and me and into a more neutral territory by asking about me. I was grateful for that.
We’d been talking for a little while when I heard my name being called by a familiar voice. I turned as Teresa ran through the door.
She was frantic, her words reverting to Spanish. “Ay dios mio!” I only caught about every third or fourth word, but the overall gist of it was understood. “Mi niña!”
“Teresa, it’s okay. I’m okay, calm down,” I said, trying to soothe her.
Tears ran down her cheeks. “Oh, Lila, when Andrew finally got hold of me this morning and told me what happened…my sweet girl.” Her hands caressed my face and hair. “You look a mess!”
I grimaced. “I figured as much.”
“Andrew says you were hit by a reckless driver.”
“That’s what I hear.”
“You don’t remember?” she asked. I shook my head in response. “Well, I’m here now, so if you need anything, okay?”
“What about your newbie?”
“He’ll be fine. He’s in school today, and he has a cell phone. Kids in this day and age. Though, I would have felt a lot more secure knowing you had one. I always dreaded that he would come after you…” she trailed off, her gaze lifted from me, and she blinked. “Oh, hello.”
Sarah smiled back at her before leaning forward and presenting her hand. “Sarah Thorne.”
Teresa smiled back and took the offered hand. “Teresa Desanto. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Oh, no, no. I’m just here to keep Lila company and her mind off of her injuries as best I can.”
“How sweet of you,” Teresa said, a smile brightening her face. “I’m so happy to hear Lila has met such nice people.”
Teresa moved back and pulled over the other chair in the room to sit next to Sarah. There was some small talk, and more about my injuries revealed to Teresa, along with tales from Spain. Teresa let me know Armando sent his love, and he was coming home in the next week.
Most of the visit I spent listening. I was too tired to concentrate on conversing, and didn’t have anything of importance to add. I was pretty sure I drifted off once or twice. It made me happy Sarah and Teresa were getting along so well; I could hear in their tone their genuine interest in one another, and it set me at ease.
My head lolled to the side, and I looked out the doorway, watching the people walking back and forth. I stared in wonderment when Nathan entered through the door behind a nurse. I was shocked he’d come back. He was dressed in jeans and an old gray Harvard Law tee that clung to his body just right. I tried not to lick my lips at the sight, but it was no use. It was lucky I was able to pull it off that my lips were dry, and nothing more. My audience remained oblivious to my ogling him. Why did he have to look so good? Butterflies swirled in my stomach as I remembered the loving words he’d spoken to me, while my chest tightened over the memory of the pain he’d inflicted not long before that.
I once said he was a contradiction, and I was beginning to see I was becoming one myself, at least where he was concerned.
“Nathan!” Sarah said, smiling up at her son.
“Hi, Mom,” he greeted, bending down to kiss her cheek.
He straightened up and our eyes met. His façade was back on, but I watched it fall away as soon as he looked at me. Walking forward, he smiled; I was confused as to why he did that. Upon reaching me, he leaned down and pressed his lips to the top of my head, his hand cupping the side of my face.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
I quirked my good brow at him. I scoffed, “Yeah right.”
“Lila,” he said in a warning tone.
“Look, this isn’t one of my ‘down on Lila’ moments. I was hit by a fucking van. My eye is almost swollen shut. The left side of my face feels as big as a beach ball and hurts like hell. So that tells me I look like someone used half my face as a punching bag. Don’t think I’m very beautiful at the moment.” I knew I was pretty bad off; I didn’t need a mirror to tell me that.
He let out a frustrated sigh. “You are always beautiful, even when a van uses you as a punching bag.”
I stared up at him for a moment before looking down at the tube in my hand. Why did he have to be sweet right now? I needed to be mad at him, but he kept saying and doing things that were chipping away at my resolve.
“Oh!” My head popped up as I remembered we weren’t alone. “Teresa, this is Nathan. We…um…work together. Nathan, this is Teresa.”
I knew no more introduction was needed; he knew who she was. He had an excellent memory, and his eyes lit up with recognition.
“Teresa, it’s wonderful to meet you.” His hand reached out to grasp hers.
She stared up at him, looking mesmerized. Not that I blamed her; he had that effect on me quite often.
“It’s nice to meet you, as well,” she said in automatic response, still confused as to who he was. I hadn’t even had any time to mention him yet.
Nathan leaned against the bed near my head as the chairs were occupied by his mother and Teresa. His fingers, every once in a while, would run through my hair or touch my arm.
Teresa looked from me to Nathan and back. “So, Nathan, what brings you here today?”
The room went eerily quiet, and I found myself very interested in the dots on the ceiling tiles.
“I mean, that isn’t the greeting you give someone you work with,” she added. “And it isn’t customary the mother of someone you work with comes to keep you company while you’re cooped up in a hospital.”
Nathan let out a small, nervous laugh under her gaze. His hand rubbed at the back of his neck.
My stomach rumbled, and Sarah snapped up to her feet. “Lila’s hungry!” We all turned to look at her, but she didn’t seem to care that she sounded a bit psychotic in her outburst. “Come, Nathan, let’s go get her some good cuisine, not the yucky hospital food. You remember how bad that was. Let’s allow the two of them to get caught up without any interference from us.”
“But I just got here,” he protested.
“Now, Nathan.” It wasn’t a request; it was a demand from his mother. He couldn’t disobey that.
“I’ll be back,” he said, leaning down to kiss my forehead again before following Sarah out the door. I stared after them for a moment, then turned back to Teresa.
“All right, what in the world is going on between you two?”
I sighed as best I could, cringing a little before charging into our sordid tale. I began with him coming to work, the office romp, the growing feelings, and topped it off with the demise of “us” and ended with his declaration two days prior.
“Wow.” She sat back in awe once I was finished. “That’s quite a history you two have.” I nodded in agreement. “What now?”
“I…I don’t know. I just don’t know.” Even I could hear the sadness in my voice. I didn’t have a response. My heart still hurt so much, and I couldn’t trust him. I was angry with his declaration. Why couldn’t he have told me two weeks prior? Why did he now have a sudden epiphany and need to be with me?
“We’ve got Italian!” Nathan smiled as he walked back into the room carrying two bags, Sarah trailing behind with another bag, and Caroline bringing up the rear. “Oh, and we found Caroline.”
“Hi!” Her tone was bright as she walked over to give me a small hug. “Hi, sweetie. How are you feeling?”
I groaned.
She let out a small chuckle. “I don’t think that’s a word. Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That would take more brain power than I have at the moment.”
Sarah, Teresa, and Nathan were chatting as they unloaded the bags and divided up the contents. I stared at them…well, him…and the way he interacted with them. There was an ease about him I wasn’t used to. Almost as if some cloud had been lifted from him, still guarded but somehow free.
He held two containers in his hands as he walked toward me, setting them both down on the table beside me and going back to get another object along with some utensils.
“I got you some lasagna. I figured it would be easier for you to eat,” he said, popping the lid off the containers.
The smell hit me and my stomach growled in want. He smirked, holding a fork up to my mouth. I reached for the fork and he pulled back.
“Give it to me. I can feed myself. Just set the container on my lap.” I waited, but he didn’t move, the fork still an inch from my mouth.
“First off,” he began, “the container is too hot to sit on your lap. Second, you can’t use your left arm, and you think I can’t see your right arm is stiff today? You pulled some muscles, so even if I moved the table in front of you, it would be difficult. And how are you going to cut it? Third, I’m just as fucking stubborn as you are, so open your damn mouth.” I set my jaw despite the pain, unwilling to do as he requested, and glared up at him. His hard eyes softened and he sighed. “Please, let me help you do this. I just want to help you.”
I looked over to Teresa; she was urging me with her gaze and mouthing words to me. With great reluctance my mouth crept open, and he slid the fork between my lips.
I moaned when the flavor hit my taste buds, my eyes rolling back. Two days with little food, hospital food at that, made the bite heaven and my stomach happy. My greedy mouth devoured the whole lasagna, my stomach more than full once done. Somehow, I still had room for the mini cannoli he placed at my lips; the sweetness was the perfect end to the meal.
We were all talking after eating when the nurse came in with another round of meds. Soon I found my eyelids heavy, fighting against the light.
The next time I awoke, Nathan was beside me, his fingers making light trails up and down my good arm. He was humming something, but I couldn’t make out the tune.
An involuntary twitch in my hand caused his head to rise, and he smiled when he saw I was awake. Picking my hand up, he brought it to his lips and placed a light kiss on the scrapes.
“Today any better?” he asked, his hand reaching up to brush a strand of hair from my eyes. His fingers lingered a while on my skin, and I leaned into his touch.
“We’ll see. It’s a little bit easier to breathe than it was four days ago, so I suppose that’s an improvement.”
“You’ll be out of here in no time,” he said. “You won’t have to worry about a thing; we’re going to take care of everything.” I looked at him in shock. He hadn’t implied what I thought he had. “We decided it’s best for you if you stay with me, where you will have friends and me to take care of you.”
My expression morphed, and I resisted the urge to yell out, knowing that would cause me great pain. “No.”
His brow scrunched in confusion. “No? No, what?”
“Look, I’m not going to fucking sit here and have everyone make decisions for me. I’m a grown woman, and I can take care of myself. I have a mind of my own; I don’t need you.”
He shook his head. “You’re not in any physical position to help yourself right now. You need round-the-clock care.”
“Well, I think I can manage to set that up myself. They have services for that.”
His spine straightened and his lip quirked up in a snarl. “Fuck services. You have friends and people who consider you family—who want to help take care of you. You can’t do it on your own.”
My teeth mashed together as I glared at him. “Like hell I can’t.”
I was about to continue, but we were interrupted by the sudden entrance of an unknown person.
“Oh, good, you’re up!” I recognized her as the woman who was with his parents a few days ago. “Lila, I brought you a change of clothes and some toiletries from your condo.”
I stared at the woman in front of me, trying to recall if I knew her. Did I have amnesia? She was addressing me as if she already knew me.
“I think I’m hallucinating. Do you see her, too?”
Nathan sighed. “Yes, she’s really there.”
“Okay,” I said and turned back to the strange woman. “Who are you, and how did you get into my condo?”
“Oh! Sorry! Erin Morgenson. I’m so happy to finally meet you.” Her hand grabbed my good one for a small shake. “Also, don’t worry, but I did some laundry so you have clean sheets, and I made sure all pathways were clear.”
“Erin!” Nathan said with a hiss.
She stared back at him. “What? It’s not like you were in any shape to do it.”
“She’s going to stay with me.”
I lay there and watched the odd conversation unfold before me, lost in what was centered around me.
“She cannot stay there! Not with the ‘redecorating’ you’ve done.” Her fingers made air quotations for the word.
“Redecorating?” I asked, and they both turned to look at me.
Nathan’s jaw tightened and he held a pained expression, while Erin’s was a little frightening, in a maniacal sort of way.
“Erin,” Nathan growled in warning, but she just shrugged him off.
“He lost it and tore down all the dry wall with his bare hands the night he left you.”
His fist slammed down on the bed next to me. “Damn it. Always sticking your fingers in things.”
Erin rolled her eyes. “She has a right to know just how crazy you are about her. And, fuck, it’s been years; let me have a moment of finger sticking.”
“What you just described sounds psychotic,” Nathan said with a huff.
“I’m no expert there. Should I get Darren?” Erin asked in a sweet, condescending tone.
My brain was still processing what all I had heard in the last hour and that bit pushed me over the edge. “How the fuck did you get into my damn condo?”
They stopped their childish argument, then Erin turned to me and squeezed my hand. “Your friend Caroline; we were getting it ready for you.”
My brain hurt. I was so confused. “Why the hell were you there? Who are you?”
“This is my cousin. Sorry, she lacks manners.”
“Oh!” It clicked into place.
All I could think about was how everyone was making decisions for me and treating me like a child. I looked between Nathan and Erin, and with each turn of my head my expression soured and my anger grew. These two, one I didn’t know and the other who threw me away, were going to make decisions on my behalf? They knew what was best for me?
Oh, hell no.
I’d spent the first half of my life with people making decisions for me, from how I acted to how I would feel about myself.
Who did they think they were? Did my opinion matter at all? Was I going to have any say in what my life was like and who my time was spent with over the next who knew how many weeks?
The answer was no.
I lost it.
“Out!” Nathan’s head snapped to me, his expression full of shock and fear. “I said get out!”
“Lila, please.” He reached out to me, but I pulled away as best I could. “Not this again! You need my help whether you want to admit it or not.”
My heart broke further from the pain that flooded his beautiful face from my reaction. Hadn’t he destroyed me enough? He said he loved me, but with all that had happened in the last two weeks, did he really expected me to just forget? I wasn’t so desperate I could flip that switch. He hurt me, deeper than anyone before. From what had transpired over the last half an hour, I knew he had hurt himself, as well.
“I’ll leave these here for you,” Erin said with a sad smile, placing the bag on the empty chair next to the bed.
My chest burned, and I struggled to breathe.
“Lila,” he began, but I stopped him.
“I said get out!” I couldn’t stand to have him there at that moment.
I watched the two of them walk out, Erin dragging Nathan backward by the arm.
The nurse walked in a moment later, and she cursed under her breath about them upsetting me. I was gasping for air, and seconds later she added something into my IV.
I welcomed the sweet relief from the pain. The relief I felt from not thinking was what I welcomed most. I’d heard too much about Nathan and the pain he was in, which pointed to his declaration being true. That was bad; that could spark hope, and the last thing I needed him to give me was hope.
Especially if it had anything to do with him and my heart. I was done being hurt.
