Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

Lola,

 

It is like clockwork. A never ending torture.

I became afraid of closing my eyes and having some sleep because he always visits me in my dreams and makes me relive that moment I killed him over and over again.

 

Sometimes it is me who is scared and running away from him as he limps toward me while dragging his leg behind him.

 

And no matter how hard I try, I can’t escape him. He catches me and I fall to the ground, panting and sweating.

 

He then crawls on top of me and starts choking me, and I just freeze beneath him as his hands tighten around my neck, making me gasp for air.

 

He usually watches me down with hatred in his eyes as blood and tears run down his face and sometimes I feel like touching his face, comforting him.

 

Because this was my doing, I have killed this man and I have to live with the burden of it all. I must suffer for taking that soul, no matter what it did or how dark it was.

 

Other times my dream starts with me killing him and then running away from his half decomposed body. But the fear I feel doesn’t choke me at moments like this.

 

Even when he pushes me to the ground and again starts choking me with his horrible face and features that are full of hatred and pain while staring at me lifelessly.

 

And every time I wake up choking on air and gasping for breath. Each time I try to scream, but nothing comes out of me. I try calling for help that will never come.

 

Sometimes I think I see Michael’s silhouette watching me from afar and then I feel the softest noise come out of me calling his name but he just shakes his head in disappointment and leaves me.

 

I wondered when I woke up if he was disappointed in me for killing Giovanni or when I tried to escape that fucker’s torturing nightmares.

 

But what I was sure of was the pain that he consumes me after leaving, I miss him. I have been here for two months and he never showed up.

 

I asked for him to come and visit me several times, but each time my brother came alone and he…. He just shakes his head in sympathy, telling me silently that the man I love doesn’t want to see me.

 

At first, I was angry, angry at him for discarding me like I was an old shoe. Angry with myself for hoping that the next time he will be there for me and give me that hug I yearn to.

 

But after a couple of visits without him, I just became numb, because I think it is for the best. During my life, he was the one I looked up to.

 

He was the one I thought of when I hurt myself or someone told me something that made me sad. I didn’t search for my brother; I searched for him.

 

And he was always there waiting for me, hugging me and telling me all these comforting words that took my pain away.

 

Michael was the sun that shone my world brighter. He was the light that gave me strength. He was the love that made me grow.

 

And now here, I was cut off suddenly, like a barely budding flower that was denied the sun and water. Suddenly, my already dark life became bleak.

I threw my head back and laughed like a crazy woman. Look at me suffering alone and waiting for my nightmare to come and consume me and still wonder about him.

 

How fucked up am I? Why does this man have this power over me? Why am I still hoping to see him, even if it was for a second in a wretched dream?

 

“Look at you laughing as if you have done nothing? As if you didn’t kill me with cold eyes and a dead soul.”

 

I flinched when I heard the angry but raspy, tired voice that was talking to me from somewhere I couldn’t see in the dark.

 

I turned around trying to see who was talking, but I kept seeing darkness and hearing the sound of shoveling nearing me

“I saw it the first time you stabbed me with this big knife. I was begging to be saved, but you chose not to listen. You wanted to satisfy those needs inside of you. You wanted to unleash that beast that has been brewing deep inside of you for years, girl. I saw it, but I thought my eyes were deceiving me.”

 

The voice said again, but this time the voice was so close to my face that I felt its cold breath ruffling my hair and I shuddered, stumbling back.

 

“You are a fucking bastard who deserved to die. You were a threat to me and my pregnant friend. You were a threat to the entire family, which I’m part of. A family I swore to protect.”

 

I said in a shaky voice as I hugged myself tighter, but then I hit an invisible wall, making me stop and then drop to the ground.

 

I began to rock myself back and forth as I hugged my shivering body and I almost sobbed when I heard the shoveling getting closer and the air became thin and it was hard to breathe.

 

“Are you still lying to yourself, Lola?! You must admit it. You must admit that you are not different from those you call family in that big house of yours. You might be the biggest monster out there. Maybe more dangerous than that Michael everyone steer away from. Does he know how you enjoyed killing me? Does he know how much you loved watching the light fade away from my eyes? Does the stupid fucker know how you shuddered when my warm blood splashed all over you? You didn’t have to stab me so many times to kill me, you know? The first one was true, but you liked the feeling and kept going, you fucking monster.”

 

Giovanni said, and I looked up at the hateful face and the tears ran down my face slowly as I watched his pathetic ugly face contour in pain.

 

“But I think he knows Lola. Why do you think he refuses to come and see you?! The man found out how ugly you are on the inside and he just chose to forget about you.”

 

He said and suddenly I held my breath and my eyes grew bigger when his words registered inside of my head.

 

He is right; I thought about it one time but then I just ignored the thought because he must know that I did what I did in order to save my friend to protect the most important person in the entire family now, the one who carries our heir.

 

“Stop lying to yourself, your murderer bitch. For how long are you going to look away from the truth? You killed me because you wanted to.”

 

He said, laughing coldly, and I gritted my teeth as I stood up and rushed to where he was standing watching me.

 

I raised my arms to wrap my hands around his neck to choke him like he had done to me a million times now, but then a knife showed up in my hand and I clutched it tightly.

 

I stabbed the fucker as I screamed and shook my head. I wasn’t sure if it was in denial or in relief, but I kept doing it as I continued to scream and laugh at the same time.

 

Yes, I’m a monster, but I have to be one in order to live in this fucked up world. In order to protect myself and the people I love.

 

Then suddenly my eyes burst open when something hit the wall hard and I looked at my cell’s door as it was wide open and a couple of people were standing there watching me.

 

I gasped for breath as I looked up at the dirty ceiling, trying to calm myself down as I usually did every day when I woke up.

 

“Look at what you fucking did. You scared the poor girl.”

 

A sweet but angry feminine voice said as a tall, curvy woman tried to pass the two officers that were blocking the open door to get to me, but she was stopped before taking the first step inside.

 

“Ugh, give me a break. Can’t you see that she is staying alone here? She chased away all the women who stayed here with her because of all her screaming and crying in her sleep. Some of us can’t sleep for a couple of minutes because of all of her wailing.”

 

One of the officers I’m used to seeing said as he glared at me and I bit the inside of my mouth in order not to look away. Fuck him.

 

“And this didn’t tell you all anything? Like the little girl was suffering, and she needed medical help?! You all are messed up in the head, I swear.”

 

My lawyer, Isabella, said, and I felt my throat get clogged as I watched one of the cops come my way and I pushed my arms in front of me to let him handcuff me.

 

“Look, you know that this is wrong. The girl isn’t eighteen yet. She can’t treat her as an adult. She is still a minor, for Christ's sake, Bob. You need to give me some time to talk with the judge. She can’t just send her to prison like that, and especially not this one. It is maximum security, man.”

 

My lawyer said and for a moment I stared at her, not comprehending, but then I threw my head back and cackled, startling all of them into silence even the officer who was giving me sad eyes as he helped me stand up after cuffing me.

 

“After seeing this, tell me again who is a scared little girl and not a fucking psycho?!”