The Pretend Darkness

"Brianna, you're a college student. What do you think should be done about this?"Mom gently pulled my brother up from the floor, wrapping her arms around his bulky body to soothe him.He was just a high school freshman, 15 years old, not even 1.68 meters tall, but already tipping the scales at 77 kilograms. Huddled there, he looked like a mound of squished meatloaf.I bit back the bitterness rising in my throat and put on a show of concern."Mom, do you think this could be a case of depression? That's serious stuff. Remember, last year a kid at our school with depression... Well, it didn't end well. We should get him to a doctor, pronto. School's not as important as staying alive, right?"My brother, realizing I had caught on to his act, dropped the waterworks and nodded like his life depended on it. "Yeah, Mom, I'm really freaked out. I can't seem to get a grip on myself. Can we go see a doctor, please?"Little did they know, they both thought a couple of quizzes could nail dow

When it was time to pick colleges, I had my sights set on some outstanding out-of-state schools. However, Mom had other plans and kept me local.She used to teach at the elementary school back home but quit to move near my college, all so my brother could go to a fancy high school.They made me come home every weekend to clean and cook because he was boarding there.Then, with him on a break, she had me coming back every day to cook.On the weekends, my roommate was always buzzing with excitement, either hitting the town for some fun or catching extra sleep in our dorm. Whenever they were itching for a shopping spree, a little charm went a long way with their parents.Me? I was juggling part-time gigs to scrape together cash for tuition and living expenses, and then I was back home playing nanny to my kid brother.People who did not know any better thought I was the child my parents had been hoping for.In reality, I know better—I was born Brian.Mom, even the teacher, worried

"Brianna, the doctor says it's bad, like really bad. Your brother needs this fancy imported medicine that's gonna set us back a hundred bucks a month. You have to pick up more shifts. From now on, his medicine is on you."I had heard this spiel more times than I could count, in this life and the previous life.Months of summer gigs and the college fund I hustled for got hijacked by Zane for his shiny new computer.I had been busting my hump day and night, living on free white bread, just to scrape by with tuition. Meanwhile, Zane was relaxing with the air conditioner, gaming and guzzling Cola, while I was out there roasting in a mascot suit, handing out flyers, dreaming of a meal with more than two vegetables.The sting of it all faded in seconds, and I steadied myself. That was the break I had been waiting for."Look, Mom, I've got classes all day and dinner's on me at night. I can't be working all the time. I'll clean on the weekends, but I'm going to snag a night job, try to ra

Halfway through class, when my phone buzzed with a call from home, I just knew my dear little brother had not disappointed me.My roommates looked concerned, asking if I needed company on the way home. I just shook my head with a grin and waved them off."Oh, my Zane! You're just like my Gene! What's got you down? Just a little trouble with a game? You should've told me—I would've gotten it for you. Oh, it hurts, my treasure. My heart aches for you!"Mom's cries were echoing through the house before I even stepped inside.I gulped down a few breaths, pretending I had sprinted the whole way. "Mom, how's the little guy?""You heartless thing, you finally show up, jealous of your brother's happiness! You might as well quit your job and just stay home to babysit him."I caught a glimpse of the overkill gauze job on my brother's wrist and could not help but cringe."Mom, that's way too much gauze, the wound needs room to breathe." I peeled off the layers around his wrist, and yep, it

Once I had soothed Zane, I sneaked Mom off to the side for a chat."Mom, I've been watching him take his meds forever, and it looks like he's getting worse, not better."Mom shot me a look and rolled her eyes. "Don't play dumb with me. You just don't want to shell out for his meds! Let me remind you, if you hadn't been born first, you wouldn't be here at all! You should count yourself lucky you can spend money on your brother!"It was weird, but the old sting from her words just was not there anymore. It was like trying to cut cotton with a dull blade—no sharp pain, just a weird kind of nothing."Mom, why would I even think that? Look at this."[Skip the antidepressants, witness a miracle from a deity's descent!]"I stumbled on this a few days back. It's not that I don't want to buy his meds, I just don't want him to suffer more. Meds can be poison too, you know? What if..."Mom's face got all serious, and she kept mumbling about how that witch from town seemed to really have so