IV- Not So Perfect

The next morning, Najmah couldn't sleep after fajr salah so she went out of the room and headed towards the the kitchen, tracing Lale's steps from the day before. She found Aslan perched on a stool sipping tea, a copy of the day's paper held in his left hand. He raised his head and their gaze met, his unreadable while hers was full of uncertainty.

She whirled around to head back where she came from when she froze, his husky voice sending shivers down her spine. "Come in, I don't bite."

His presence unnerved her and she wished more than anything he would leave the kitchen and let her gather her thoughts. On one hand, she could just leave like she intended to but she really needed the caffeine.

Shoulders sagged down in defeat, she walked towards the espresso machine and tried to turn it on, but all her attempts were futile as she had no idea how to operate it.

Aslan sensing her distress debated on whether to help her or leave her to it. Deciding on the former, he pushed the stool and got up, reaching the espresso machine with careful strides then turned it on.

"How do you take your coffee?" he queried, not looking at her.

"Weak," she whispered, looking at anyway but him. "With milk and lots of sugar, four cubes if you may, please."

"Sugar isn't good for the health," he shook his head then did as she said, adding cream as per her instructions, still marveled at how much sugar she consumed. He passed the mug to her before resuming his earlier position.

She picked up the mug then sat down, sipping it gently, avoiding his gaze. Awkward silence filled the room but she was okay with it as she had no idea what to say to him.

Aslan wanted to apologize for shouting at her the day before, but it'd be deflating to his ego and she was at fault, he hated it when people entered his studio and messed with his stuff.

"I'm...uhm...sorry ab...," he began, trying to find the right words to say. "I shouldn't have shouted at you."

"It's okay, I shouldn't have touched what wasn't mine," she replied quietly. "You owe me a dress though," she added under her breath but he heard her, he pretended he didn't and downed the rest of his tea.

"Am I interrupting something?" Lale mumbled, padding towards the espresso machine.

"No, not at all. I'm done here," Aslan replied, rising up to his feet.

"Good morning sis," Lale greeted sitting down on the stool Aslan vacated. "I can call you that right?"

"Yeah sure," Najmah nodded.

"Did you enjoy your first day here?" Lale yawned rubbing at her temple, focusing her gaze on Najmah.

"Yeah Alhamdulillah," she nodded again, dropping her mug on the table. “Didn't get any sleep?"

"I stayed up all night working on the dresses for my fashion line," Lale responded.

"You must be really tired," Najmah stated matter of fact.

"You have no idea," Lale shook her head. "It's taking more time than I have thought it would."

The chef came in and started to make breakfast after greeting the ladies, working in silence together with the other kitchen staffs not interrupting them. Only the clattering of pans and plates could be heard.

Lale and Najmah moved to the dining room where the rest of the family were already seated, eating. Afet's face scrunched up in disgust when her gaze met Najmah's though it didn't go unnoticed to Aslan but he shrugged it off.

They greeted the elders before they sat down, Najmah in between Aslan and Lale, earning a murderous glare from Afet who felt like strangling the life out of her.

"Oh Najmah, it is so good to see you. I was wondering when you’d appear, I didn’t know you were together with Lale," Ferah smiled at Najmah, her tired eyes crinkling with warmth. ″I trust you enjoyed your night here?″

"Yeah Alhamdulillah," Najmah nodded.

"That's wonderful," she replied, wiping her mouth with a napkin, pushing back her chair as Mr. Faik stood from his. "Remember, I'm here if you need anything. Don't let my children bully you alright especially Lale. A word of advice, she'll try to get you to work for her."

"Anne!" Lale shrieked, her cheeks pinking with embarrassment. "She just got here, like yesterday. Of course I'll let her settle down before I ask her that."

"Don't worry Najmah," she turned towards her, patting her hand gently. "You'd love working with me."

Aslan not so subtly coughed into his napkin, his eyes twinkling with mirth. "Excuse me," he rose from his seat, stifling his laughter.

"You guys make it sound like it's a terrible thing," she threw her hands up in exasperation.

"I didn't say anything," he defended before ambling out of the dining room together with Afet leaving Lale and Najmah behind.

"Where's Hilal?" Najmah questioned in a bid to change the subject. There was no way she was going to work in fashion industry she thought as she stared at her chinos.

"She's in her room, hasn't woken up yet."

"Alright," she nodded, pushing back her chair. "I'm full. Will talk to you later."

"Mm hmm," Lale nodded distractedly, typing away on her phone.

{••}

"He's going through a rough phase, give him time to adjust and accept you but you have to accept him first," Lale placed her hand on Najmah's in a comforting manner. "I really want your relationship to work, you are the perfect person for him."

"How sure are you?" Najmah quirked up her eyebrow. "I've only been here a day, what if I'm not who I show that I am?"

"You are a good person, I can feel it."

"Don't be so sure," Najmah shook her head, retracting her hand from Lale's. "I can't do this, I'm sorry." she ran off into the house leaving a stunned Lale behind.

She ambled into the room, with a jumbled mind and a racing heart. "What is wrong with me?" she pushed her hand into her hair, pacing up and down.

Her anxiety level was building up, she felt nauseous and beads of sweat were starting to gather on her forehead. Her breathing hitched, the beginning of a panic attack. A tingly feeling manifested itself in her feet and hands as the room began to spin and she slipped down, knocking down the bottle of pills she had brought out of her bag.

Aslan walked in right at the moment, catching her mid panic attack. He quickly moved towards her and picked up the pill bottle, his forehead crinkling with worry as he read the name. He successfully got her to calm down before he handed her a glass of water which she gulped down, grateful for his intervention.

He dropped the bottle by her side after capping it then sauntered out of the room, forgetting why he had gone there in the first place which she was grateful for again, because she had no idea how she was going to explain why she was taking the pills to him.

{••}

Later through the night, Najmah was laying on the bed reading a new book she acquired from the library when she heard the creak of the door. She raised her head, her gaze falling on Aslan who had his back turned to her.

Her heart leapt in her chest, her palms becoming clammy, feeling an impending conversation hanging over the air like a dark cloud. Perhaps he had come to inquire about the pills but why would he, they were practically strangers right? She owed him no explanation whatsoever. But still, she had a feeling something was about to go down and she wouldn't like it one bit.

He dropped the package he had came in with on the bed near her legs, before venturing over the dresser without uttering a word. 

"That's your new phone, you can call home now," he stated in a clipped tone.

"But I have a phone," she shook her head, dropping the book on her lap.

Despite her inability to reciprocate feelings, she had a gift for reading people, it wasn’t a gift per say but sometimes, it helped her stay away from certain situations but perhaps, it was just her anxiety speaking. Either way, she was thankful for it and right then, she knew she was unwanted.

"Do whatever you wish to do with it, I don't care," he waved her off before he abruptly turned and sat down on the far end of the bed inhaling deeply, his gaze set on her.

"I don't know what you expect from me, but I need you to understand something. Marriage is a sacred union between two people who have agreed on their own terms to be together. I'm not the right guy for you neither am I perfect for you. Our relationship was neither found on love nor on attraction. I know that we're supposed to start a new life as husband and wife," he scoffed. "But I don't view our marriage as anything of such, It is baseless and without a foundation. Our marriage is just a mere title, we were forced into each other’s lives. I had to accept it because I couldn't disappoint my parents or yours. So don't expect me to be the husband my parents wish me to be. I'm not the man for you and you're certainly not the woman for me." He stood from his position and went towards the door.

"I don't expect anything from you," came her raspy voice which startled him. "I never wanted this, but I accepted it anyway because it was my faith as I was told.

"To think that I was scared that you'd try and make an effort towards this," she chuckled, shaking her head at her silly thoughts, picking up her book where she discarded it and continued from where she stopped. Just because she didn't care about the whole being married to him thing didn't mean it didn't hurt but she paid no mind to it, the feeling will eventually come to pass.

He stared at her unsure of what to say, millions of girls would have broken down and thrown a fit after hearing what he said on the second day of marriage but Najmah was different, her reaction was neither positive nor negative so he couldn't tell what she was feeling. Any sane person would've reacted to what he said but she didn't and he wondered if she was sick or not or perhaps, she just didn’t care.

He knew that what he said was a little bit cruel, but he had no space for love in his heart after what he did, he didn't deserve love not from her and not from anyone. He didn't deserve to be happy not after what happened two years ago.

{••}

"What are you doing here?" Najmah queried defensively, staring at the interloper. She felt a little out of the world after the phone call with her mother and his impromptu visit was adding to whatever unnamed thing going on in her mind.

"This is my room," he replied, looking at her skeptically.

"I don't like sharing a room with anyone. I sleep alone at home, so I'm not gonna..."

"This is not your home," he raised up his hand to cut her off from her rant. "It is my home and my room. So, I sleep in it whenever I desire."

"I want a room of my own," she crossed her arms, tilting her head upwards defiantly.

"I don't like people in my personal space, it suffocates me," she mumbled under her breath, but he heard it.

He stared at her quizzically wondering what she meant by that. Shaking his head, he advanced towards the walk-in closet to change into his pajamas.

"Didn't you hear what I said?"

"I did," he answered, closing the door of the closet after him. He came out a minute later and found her in the same position he left her. Ignoring her, he went to the right side of the bed and got in after switching off the lights, leaving the bedside lamp on.

From his peripheral vision, he could see her pacing up and down the length of the room. For the first time since he met her, he wondered what could be wrong with her. Why was she taking the anxiety pills?

Her pacing was beginning to unnerve him, and he knew that it could lead to a panic attack due to the way her chest was heaving so he threw the covers off him and went towards her. He placed his hands on her shoulder to restrict her from moving. She gasped, staring at him wide eyed as if his touch burned her. He released her when he was sure that her breathing had returned to normal.

"What is your problem?" she shrieked, stepping away from him.

"You are my problem!" he snapped, making her flinch and take another step back.

He pushed his hand through his hair and stared at her apologetically. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you. Just stop pacing okay? You'll get sick and your movements are distracting, I need to sleep." he mumbled then went back to bed.

With her head down, Najmah stumbled to bed, picked up a few pillows and build a wall between them. She whispered her night prayers before placing her head on the pillow, her body shaking slightly.

Later through the night, the pillow wall Najmah built crumpled and somehow, their bodies got tangled. Aslan began to gasp for breath, thrashing and turning, moaning painfully, waking her up. She sprang up from the bed, staring at his body wide eyed before cautiously tapping his face.

"Aslan? Hey, wake up," she croaked, "Wake up!"

He opened his eyes, abruptly sitting upright panting heavily. 

"It was just a nightmare," she pacified, passing him a glass of water.

He sighed heavily, wiping away the thin shin of sweat that gathered on his forehead, accepted the cup and downed it in one go.

They stared at each other, unsure of what to say, he wondered if he should thank her or not and she wondered what his nightmare was about..

″Do you want to talk about it?″ she wanted to ask but something was holding her back, her mouth kept opening and closing, unable to form any words.

His mind went back to his nightmare and his body shuddered, he got off the bed and threaded towards the bathroom with only one thing on his mind; he had to visit his sponsor. The nightmares were becoming more frequent and he feared that it might lead to something he didn't want.

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