IX: Dysphoria

She stared out of the window, her eyes unfocused. She felt empty and out of sorts like she didn't belong. She wanted to go back home, but she couldn't voice out her thoughts. Try as she might, the words don't seem to come out.

She felt suffocated and trapped, like she was shackled. The Sadeks have been really kind and welcoming to her, she couldn't go to Aslan's dad and demand to be returned home. The few weeks she had spent with them were the best she's ever had. With them, she felt like she was finally living; like her life had meaning again.

After Fahad, she hadn't thought she would care about anyone again but then came Aslan, and now Najmah wondered if being friends with him was the best decision she made.

She sighed, pushing her hand through her hair,feeling disoriented and robotic. She hadn't felt like that in ages, not even after the news of Fahad's betrayal was broken to her. She still couldn't understand why he did what he did. She wished she knew earlier so she would've at least talked him out of it, but it was Fahad; he was a master of disguise.

She picked up the book she was reading and stared at the pages with keen interest. She didn't get through the first paragraph before she threw it away, losing interest in it. She picked up her laptop and scrolled through her movie list, deciding on what movie to watch. She pressed play on Home then settled down, giving it her utmost attention. The film had only started playing when she lost interest in it. She played four more films but still felt disoriented, so she dropped the laptop and slide off the bed.

She paced the length of the room, trying to figure out what to do. She was restless, and all her daily rituals bored her. She bit her lip in frustration, unsure of what to do. Feeling the metallic taste of blood, she quickly released her lip then sighed deeply. She hated when she felt like this, she wished the feeling would just go away and she'd be alright again.

She placed her hoodie on then walked out of the room, heading towards the garden. She thought the fresh smell of nature would calm her down but it only added to her restlessness. She walked back in, not minding her steps till she came in contact with somebody.

"What the fuck!" Afet swore, staring at her now soaked white shirt. She threw the cup she was holding and shot daggers at Najmah who was trying hard not to pounce on her.

Najmah sidestepped her and went into the kitchen, looking for something to drink. Afet followed her, pissed off at the fact that she didn't acknowledge ruining her shirt.

"Are you crazy?" she grabbed Najmah's hand, causing her to whip around. "Can't you apologize for ruining my shirt?"

"If you don't step away from me, a ruined shirt isn't all you have to worry about!" Najmah threatened, grabbing a knife from the island and pointing the tip at Afet's face.

Afet's eyes widened with alarm as she stared at Najmah. She suddenly became scared and took a step backwards, still trying to maintain a straight face.

"What are you going to do? Slash me with it?" she dared, crossing her arms.

"Why don't you come over and we'll see about that," Najmah forced a smile on her lips.

"You're bluffing," Afet scoffed, tentatively staring at the knife Najmah was holding.

"Wanna bet?"

"I'm out of here," she mumbled then half walked half ran out of the kitchen before breaking into a sprint towards her room.

Najmah threw the knife she was holding with shaky hands, feeling terrible for pointing the knife at Afet but she was angry and upset, it was hard to sometimes control her impulses. She downed a glass of water then walked back to their room, wishing the feeling of emptiness would just go away.

{••}

She stepped out of the car and went into the building, her head held up high. The heels of her shoe making silent clicks on the marble floor as she made her way towards the elevator. She removed her aviator sunglasses and returned them into her purse, tapping her foot impatiently.

She checked her wristwatch and sighed, hoping whatever it was he called her for was worth keeping her project on hold. She got into the elevator and pressed 13 on the keypad, wishing it would get there faster than it was moving. She felt irritated by everything, all she wanted was to go back to her project ASAP.

"This better be worth my time or I swe- " she stopped dead in her tracks, swallowing her words. She stood at the entrance, wondering why he was there. She stepped out and read the inscription on the door, to make sure she was at the right office. It couldn't have been too long for her to actually forget the office, it's only been two years since she last stepped into the building.

"What are you doing here?" she queried, balling her fists. He turned his gaze back to her, and his eyes widened when recognition settled in.

"You!" he pointed an accusing finger at her. "What are you doing here?"

"Allow me to rephrase that for you, What the hell are you doing here?" she yelled, throwing her purse on the couch.

"If you're here to look for a job then allow me to make it easy for you," she smiled. "You are not hired so get your résumé and scurry off to another company. You are unfit to work here."

He gaped at her, unsure of what to do. This was the second time she was leaving him speechless. She was borderline rude and disrespectful. What she said was a slap to his face. Did he look like someone looking for employment?

"Who are you to tell me that? Is this how employees of this company talk to their clients? Well then consider yourself fired because once your employer gets back here, I'm going to tell him how insubordinate you are."

"Do I look like..."

"What's the yelling all about?" Aslan asked walking into the room, cutting her mid-sentence. "I could hear you two from down the hall."

"This man is not hired, he's rude and..."

"I'm rude?" Asil queried incredulously. "You are a very disrespectful girl."

"I'm disrespectful? You threw a stack of notes at my face! That was more than disrespectful, it was insulting and don't even forget about the fact that you hit my car!" Lale yelled, her nose flaring. Her head was beginning to hurt from all the shouting but she wouldn't back down not till she put him in his place.

"You should've moved when the light hit green," he defended, already tired with all the shouting. She's turning him into something he's not. "You hit my window!"

"After you refused to apologize for hitting my car!"

"By the way Aslan, I think you should fire her. She's too rude and could drive away potential clients with her attitude," Asil narrowed his eyes at her.

She smirked, straightening up her spine a little,"Well the thing is Mr whatever your name is, I can't be fired from my own family's company."

Aslan growing tired of the banter between the two decided to step in before they could finish each other off. He knew his sister was a talker when she was angry, he had never seen her this riled up. Asil, on the other hand, was not much of a talker, he preferred to keep quiet but today he has seen another side of him. It was fun to watch the two argue but he had to intervene, after all, there was something much more important than that.

"Asil this is my sister Lale," he introduced, urging them to be civil. "Lale, this is Asil."

"I would say it was nice meeting you, but that'd be a lie," she snickered plopping down on the couch.

Aslan sighed, moving towards his seat behind the desk. He had a lot ahead of him if he was going to get the two to work together, they might end chopping each other's heads off.

He cleared his throat then gestured for the two to take a seat before him. Lale groaned then moved towards the chair, glaring at Asil all the way.

"You still haven't explained why this guy is still here after hearing what he did to my baby," she whined earning a glare from Asil. "And you haven't told me why you suddenly called for me. I was working on a significant project."

"Yeah about that, I wanted to formally introduce you to him," he gestured at Asil.

They stared at him quizzically, wondering what he meant by that.

"Lale...this is Asil Kartal. He's going to oversee the designing of your..."

"Hell no! I'm a designer. I'll design it myself," she shook her head. "He is not going anywhere near my building."

"Lale don't be ridiculous, fashion designing is different from interior designing."

"Designing is designing," she shrugged then picked up her purse. "I can't believe I dropped my project to come listen to this."

"Lale!" Aslan snapped, causing her to stop in her tracks.

"Let's talk in there," he pointed at the nook in his office. He walked briskly towards it while Lale followed him, sulking.

"Asil is the CEO of Kartal Industries, he only works on major projects. We just signed a deal with them, please Lale don't mess this up."

"I don't care what project  he works on," she threw her hands up in the air. "Onunlaçalışmayacağım!" (I am not going to work with him.)

"Gülünçolma, onunalanında en iyisi." (Don't be ridiculous, he's the best in his field.)

She stared at her shoes as if they were the most exciting thing in the world. "If he messes up my fashion house, there will be hell to pay."

"He's not going to. Thank you for accepting," he clasped her hand in his, kissing her on the cheek.

She rolled her eyes then walked back into the office, giving Asil an icy glare.

"I'll let you do the designing, but Lord help you if anything goes wrong," she deadpanned, staring down at him.

"Whatever," he mumbled staring ahead. He didn't want to take up the project, but Aslan had asked him, and he couldn't reject the offer besides he needed something to keep him busy enough to stay out of home, he couldn't bear to live in the stale atmosphere of that house.

"I'll take my leave now brother. I'll see you back at home," she kissed Aslan on the cheek then gave Asil one last glare before sauntering out of the office.

"I think I'll leave too," Asil rose from his seat.

"I'm sorry about Lale," Aslan apologized, rising up too.

"It's nothing to worry about."

Aslan walked him out of the building then went back to his office to finish up some work.

{••}

Her hands trembled as spikes of anger rushed through her, she was angry at Fahad for getting himself arrested, Mr. Faik for marrying his son to her, Aslan for being kind to her and Afet...her heart constricted at the mere thought of her. She hated her with all of her being and it scared her a lot, she had never resented anyone as much as she did Afet.

She pushed her hand through her hair which had somehow turned into a bird's nest, staring around looking for something to transfer her anger to, she felt so aggressive.

Her first attack was the vanity mirror which she threw a stool at. There was a crashing sound as the chair hit the glass, causing it to crash down heavily. She wasn't satisfied with that, so she picked the stool again and threw it at the gleaming chandelier which hit the floor with a heavy thud, causing the shards to scatter. She panted as she slid down on the floor amidst the chaos, burying her hands in the palm of her hands. She hated the feeling of aggression, there was always a feeling of guilt immediately after it ended.

**

Aslan had rushed up to his room the moment he heard the crashing sound, wondering what could've caused such noise. He pushed the door open and found Najmah sitting in the middle of the room, surrounded by shards of glasses.

She raised her bloodshot eyes and stared at him, her eyes widening up with alarm. She stared at the mess she had made,  regret washing over her.

"Hey are you okay?" he queried, helping her up her feet. "What happened in here?"

"I'm sorry," she croaked, burying her face in her palms. "I'm so tired of everything."

"It's okay, everything's going to be alright."

"No," she shook her head. "Nothing's gonna be okay. I'm vile and dangerous and...and crazy... I'm crazy!"

"You're not crazy, you just need help."

He pulled her up and engulfed her into a hug, whispering calming words into her ears. When she stopped shaking, he picked her up and went to Lale's room.

He placed her on the bed then went into the bathroom in search of the first aid kit. He came back in and placed it on the bed then took her feet in his hands, carefully removing the shard of glass that got stuck there. She winced while he cleaned the wounds.

"Don't move an inch I'll be right back," he ordered when he was done cleaning her wounds.

He stepped out of the room and went into the kitchen then proceeded to make kuşburnuçayı (rose hip tea) for her.

**

"Take this and sleep," he passed her the mug. "I'll make an appointment for you to see a therapist tomorrow."

"I want it to go away," she mumbled, pulling her legs up to her chin.

"It will get better in shaa Allah," he placed a hand on her shoulder to reassure her. (If Allah wills)

"I know that things haven't been easy and you're still trying to cope with it all but...I want you to stay."

She raised her head up and stared at him, trying to decipher the meaning behind his words.

"Three months, if it doesn't work out then I'll let you go. I won't stop you if you want out. I know I might be one of the reasons behind your agitation but please Najmah for now stay," he implored, staring deep into her eyes.

She averted her gaze then picked the mug with shaky hands, sipping it gently.

He stood up and left the room, dialling the cleaning agency on his way out. He had no idea what made him say what he said, but when  saw her in the middle of the room with her head buried in her palms, he knew he had to help her. She looked so fragile and lost, that moment it dawned on him that he couldn't let her go but three months from then he would if she decided to leave.

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