Chapter 1. MOI

Classes have ended for the day and even as I pass through my door, the only thing I want to see is my bed. I fall face first, groaning as I massaged my temples.

"Four more weeks, four more weeks," I grumbled to myself. "Then I can go home away from this wretched place."

"Classes were rough I take it?" A voice calls from the other side of my room, my body spinning spontaneously to recognize the intruder.

Jax sits, his right foot draped over his left as he gazes at me nonchalantly.

When the hell did he get here? Was I that exhausted to have not seen the hulk of a man inside my room?

"Is there anyway you can use the door like a decent human? "

He cocks his head, removing an apple from his pocket and a small knife, peeling it before my face. If it had been another person, I would have been scared out of my wits. Why I'd literally count on Halie to make a ruckus if she was here.

But Jax isn't like that. Yes, he's terrifying in his own right- when he wants to be that is, but I've only ever seen his caring nature.

Well except that one time.

I shake my head dispelling my thoughts. That was ages ago.

The fact is, he doesn't scare me.

"But I'm not human though am I?" He quizzes.

"You look like one and if you keep climbing-" I glance out my partially opened window searching for a way he might have gotten in. "Someone might spy you one day and call the police. Then you'll see how human you are."

"Simple," He chomps on his peeled side of apple chewing away. "You had an intuder and he would'nt open the door."

My eyes narrow on him disbelievingly. "Really, and if that does't work?"

"Then I kill him and hide the body."

"You're such a idiot."

I return to my former position against the bed, staring at the ceiling. Silence lingers between us apart from his incessant chewing. I'm the only one Jax has ever appeared to since leaving his pack. A part of me feels special, but the part that knows how anxious Rider is for finding his missing friend makes me guilty.

I can't give them any informatiom on where to find him and the abstract where abouts he gives at times, I'm sure once he figures out it's not me, he'll never show.

Its a loose-loose situation for them.

"Have you ever thought of going back to Silver moon, even if it's just to visit? "

"No,"

"Jax,-"

"Moi, we've talked about this."

"You've just said youre not going back."

"I'm not," He grumbles.

I turn on my stomach glancing up at him. "I refuse to believe that you'll just give up on your pack like this. You fought for them. You fought to keep me alive and save my bestfriend."

"Her mate saved her."

"Don't be an idiot with the technicalities," I snapped. "It's your pack Jax. You're their Alpha."

"I'm not their Alpha." He turn in his chair, angling himself away from me, his fists clenched. "You don't understand."

"Then make me understand. Because I refuse to believe you feel comfortable being away from your blood and people. Do you even know how old your nephew is? "

"Three months."

"What?"

"He's three months."

"Jax," I whispher.

"I can't go back because my father is now Alpha again. It's what he and the Federation decided was best for our pack. I don't blame them."

"The Federation is a bunch of wimpy assed old wolves and you know it. None of them came to help when your pack was under attack. All we had was us. All they had was you and Rider. And Halie told me how terribly injured he was returning home. She almost lost him, " I explained. "So if the plans you made were less than ideal for them, they can go to hell. "

He chuckles, releasing his knuckles from holding them hostage.

"As flattered as I am to hear you say that, that's not exactly the reason why I won't go back. "

"Then what is? " I sit up waiting on him to speak up. There's something that's obviously bothering him, something that's enough to keep him away from the people he has sworn to protect. I didn't get the feeling that Jax would back down from a situation without a fight.

Whatever it was, it had to be tearing him apart inside for him to stay away. To even keep him away from his blood and best friend.

"When we were younger, before I became Alpha, Rider had an accident. Something that changed both our lives forever. One day when he was training with Beta Rider, he went Berserker. People got hurt, his father too and he came so close to killing a pup, " His hands go to cover his face as if it was a painful memory to relive. "It was a nightmare. I hadn't seen him for weeks no matter how much I searched. Then one evening, I stumbled on a conversation with his dad and mine. They were contemplating putting him down, like he was some damn dog or wild animal. His own father, my father they didn't think he could be saved. "

I didn't want to ask, but I still decided to get my words out, even with trembling hands. "How... How bad is it going berserker? "

"Bad. There's no cure. "

My heart dropped. I feared so much for Halie. Rider has admitted to having gone Berserker more than once. Now I'm wondering what will happen if one day he doesn't return to normalcy. Where does that leave Halie?

"In the rain and haze that night I left to search for him again. I don't know, in between my desperation and replaying our fathers words, something changed. "

I gripped the bedding of my bed, bracing myself for words I hoped I wouldn't hear.

Jax's eyes meet mine then, a different color than the hue I'm used to. It's dark and terrifying, as if I was staring into a bottomless abyss.

"I became a Berserker too. "

I gasped, slapping my hand across my mouth, chills sliding down my back, a voice screaming inside my head to escape.

Maybe Jax felt my sudden fear that consumed me, glancing away finally to allow me to breathe.

"I found him that night, but it wasn't without consequence. " He continues voice somewhat on edge, as if he was fighting to keep himself together. "I never told him what their plans were, and I made my father swear he would never lay a hand on him or I'll never become Alpha. "

"You never told them did you? " I asked quitely.

"No, Rider and I kept my secret. Not even Allison knows. At least that was then. "

"You went berserker during the war? " I mumbled placing the puzzle pieces together. "They saw you. "

"Even worse, I killed a few of our members. "

"Jax. " I rush to him, attempting to console him but he turns his head away. Maybe to hide his shame. "It's not your fault. How could they blame you for this? "

He pushes me away, standing up.

"I'm a monster. "

"You blame yourself." I realise, placing this crumbling situation into perspective. "This isn't your fault. "

"I cannot be trusted Moi. Do you not understand?" He growls.

"No, no I don't understand. Rider is the same as you and he's fine, " I grip his arm. " He's fine Jax. A little possessive of Halie, but when has he not been? All you need to do is learn to control it. "

He snarls, gripping my shoulders so hard I'm sure later I'll find a bruise. Jax has never handled me this way. Never. Now I'm wondering if this wild side he'sytee mentioned has anything to do with it.

"There's no controlling it. Rider and I are not the same. He always reverts. I haven't. I haven't since the war. "

"But you haven't killed anyone, doesn't that count? "

"I have the urges. I have the urges every night and everyday. " He whisphers.

I don't even realise I've started crying until his fingers move to brush my tears away.

"You're fearful. I can smell it even if you won't admit to it Moi, "

"I'm not, I'm just... "

"Terrified. And that's fine. " Jax grips my face in his hands. "The pack is better off with my father. Not an Alpha they swear will murder them in their sleep. "

"That's not who you are though Jax. That's not you." I gaze at him, reaching up to stroke his cheek.

"No one knows who I am." He rips himself away from me. "Not even me."

I knew who he was, Rider, Halie and all the others who served beneath him. They all knew their Alpha, even if he forgot. Even if he was scared to still be it.

"Rider is still searching for you, aren't you going to talk to him? At least let him know you're okay."

"No."

"Well, he's determined to find you and take you home," I inform the hothead.

He pauses at the window.

"If I don't want to be found, he'll never find me."

"Well, that's stupid. Halie is my best friend and I know she would overturn every rock and saucer to find me."

"Well it's a good thing she's not my best friend then isn't it? Listen Moi," He runs a hand through the front of his cropped hair. "I get it okay, but trust me, Silver moon is better off without me. Even Rider."

"Jax-"

He doesn't wait to hear me out, disappearing once more and I slump against my bed defeated. If only he knew the toll his absence was having on Rider. It's good that he's here spending time with Halie, but he had sworn never to return unless it was with Jax.

I could only imagine the horrors that pack was facing under their aged Alpha's outdated laws.

***

I'm supposed to meet Halie and my brother for a late dinner, though still wrapped inside my thoughts consumed with Jax. Enzo arrives first his arms draped around my shoulder.

He wants something. I don't even need to ask God to be sure.

"Enzo. "

"Where Halie? " he asks glancing left and right of us.

"Not here as yet, " I dead panned. "I couldn't be hiding her."

He waggled his eyebrows. "You would try. "

"What is with your obsession with my best friend? "

He flicks me in the forehead with his pointer finger. "There's no obsession, you're always together."

"Whatever," I grumbled pushing him away, only to lighten up when my bestie bounds over.

"Hey,"

"Where's Rider? " I questioned, surprised to find her on her own.

"Still searching. " She answers before folding her hands and glaring in my brother's direction in said tone. "What?"

"Nothing. Just glad you got rid of the leech. "

"He's not a leech. " She retorts.

"Right, you can't even breathe without his permission. Is he even a student?"

"What does it matter if he's a student?" Halie shots back like a bickering old couple.

"Whatever, just forget about it. " Enzo mumbles gripping his menu, tuning us both out.

Halie glances at me, asking her silent question of what was up my brother's ass, I could only respond with a shrugged shoulder. If only I knew. He's been acting so strange and protective ever since we got back from that summer nightmare months ago. But even then, over the last few weeks, his need to be protective of us has definitely amped up.

I'm not even sure if I should be touched or suspicious. I know my brother loves me and cares about Halie, but this whole new side of open affection has be spinning.

A mystery for another day to solve.

"I know we had plans for Christmas, but I felt like we should do it with the family. I talked it over with mom and dad and while they've sworn to not release us from their sights, I'm sure it will be fun." I inform my bestfriend excitedly, changing the direction of my thoughts.

Halie chokes up, rushing for her water to push her food down before knocking her chest.

"Are you okay? "

"Mm, " A cough that even Enzo who has pretended not to listen to us, lowers his phone.

"Are you sure? " He questions, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Actually, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, " She lifts her head, somewhat nervous I realize. "I planned on heading home for Christmas this year. "

"Your parents are never home, " Enzo injects. "You want to spend the holidays alone? "

"No. My parents will be home for the first in years this Christmas, and there's something important I need to tell them, " She gazes in my direction.

I'm taken aback at her statement. Was she seriously ready for this? Would they even accept Rider? His identity was such a heavy burden to carry around.

"And answers that I need to know. " Halie continues

"So call them. Shouldn't take more than five minutes," Enzo buts in again, chomping on a curly fries.

"It's gonna take more than five minutes," I answer.

I just hope that whole conversation doesn't go sideways.

"How's Jax? "

Enzo's head immediately snap to me, his eyes narrowing on me. " Who's Jax? "

When neither of us answers, my brother moves uncomfortably in his seat, his frown altogether purposeful.

"What aren't you telling me Moi?" He growls. "You have a boyfriend I need to know about?"

Halie moves to answer for me but I dissuade her, a dual meaning to the sway of my head.

This wasn't the time or place and they'll never find him without him wanting to be found.