5

*** Helen *** 

As I drive along in my new car, I feel like things are looking up, I feel lighter, more confident and it gives me a new determination to get my affairs in order. 

I want Alan out of my life. I do not want to live like this anymore and I am not tolerating him coming into my house whenever the fancy takes him when he is sleeping with someone else. I have tried desperately to give him a chance to be in Summer’s life but he is not interested. He has made it clear since the day I found out I was pregnant that he does not want to be a father. 

I thought once Summer was here, he would change his attitude, but everything was so sour between us, he didn’t even try to love her. I know I have pushed this because of my own lack of father growing up. I have tried and tried to get Alan to accept our daughter, but enough is enough. How could he not even love his own flesh and blood? I suppose his reaction to me being pregnant in the first place should have warned me that this was not going to happen how I hoped, but I was already so in love with my little surprise, I didn’t want to see how against the idea he was. 

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*~ Flashback ~* 

*** Three Years Ago *** 

“You’re what?” Alan shouts at me, making me flinch. 

“I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby, Alan,” I explained. I thought I had been pretty clear the first time I announced to him I was carrying his child. I seriously do not see what his problem is. 

We have been married for over three years, we are both employed and we have a home. Is it really such an issue that I am pregnant? I know it wasn’t exactly planned but it wasn’t prevented either. 

I try to think if he ever said anything about having children but now that I think about it, he always changed the subject whenever it came up. 

“Well, you best get rid of it, Helen, I do not want any sprogs running around.” I feel my tummy turn to ice water, my tongue is too big for my mouth, and I cannot breathe. 

“Get rid of it?” I ask him, unbelieving. Why? Why is he doing this? “Alan, it’s our child, our baby, I am keeping it. I want this baby.” 

“I don’t. I don’t want it, Helen, and if you go ahead with this, I don’t want you either, you’re on your own.” Without a backward glance, he walks out of our home and does not return for three days. 

By the time he comes back, I have worked through my heartache of his rejection of not only me but our innocent babe growing inside me too. I have become angry instead. 

“Have you got rid of it?” he asks me emotionlessly. I just shake my head back at him which leads to him accusing me of forcing him to have a child he does not want, that I have done this on purpose and he will never forgive me for it, before he leaves yet again. 

He went on a six-month tour of Iraq, and I went into premature labour while he was away. Summer was born eight weeks early and I was terrified I was going to lose her. I did it alone. Halle did come to visit and helped me with essentials but after Summer was born, Alan’s salary stopped coming in. I had no option but to go back to work despite having a poorly new-born and feeling traumatised. 

The day Alan’s parents turn up at my house and realise they have a grandchild confirms the extent of Alan’s denial. His mum is heartbroken, and his dad is angry and disgusted at his son's behaviour. Alan accuses me of turning them against him. 

I have no one to support me, my own mother is living in the south of France with husband number six who is a handsy leach. It’s just me and my little girl. 

Over the next few years, Alan would randomly turn up, but he never asked about the baby, he never held her or even looked at her and it broke my heart that he remained closed off to her. I wanted more for my little girl than I had, I wanted her to have the daddy I never did. 

Looking back now, those times when he came home were obviously the times he had argued with his new piece on the side and he had nowhere else to go. He would come into my house uninvited, looking down his nose at me and his daughter and then he would leave me all alone, feeling even more unloved and dejected each time he did. 

*** End of Flashback *** 

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My phone ringing brings me out of my daydream. My snazzy new dashboard tells me it’s Halle calling and I am able to answer handsfree while I drive. I tell her I am just around the corner from work and I will be there in five minutes. My thoughts about Alan and our pathetic excuse of a marriage continue to trouble me. 

A marriage is a partnership, and I can no longer delude myself that I can make this work. I meant every word of my vows and I have tried my hardest to get us back on track, but Alan is no longer the man I married. I don’t know if he ever was the man I thought he was. 

He continually stamps all over our marriage and all over me, and I have had enough. He is unfaithful, unsupportive, and negligent towards me and Summer. It’s been almost three years since he even kissed me, never mind anything more intimate. I live a loveless life filled with anger and disdain and I cannot do it anymore. We have not lived as husband and wife since I found out I was pregnant; I can prove that financially we are no longer associated in any way, shape, or form. 

Alan will probably have no objection to us officially divorcing, he has made it quite clear he hates me and he holds no affection for our daughter. Those last thoughts bring tears to my eyes for the second time today. I had hoped to give marriage a better shot than my mother had with her several attempts and yet here I am, 25 years old, looking divorce down the barrel. My mother’s numerous marriages embarrassed me growing up, and my aim was to always do better than she had at sticking to my word and my convictions. Now I was as big a failure as she was. 

As I pull up at work, I try to block all the negative thoughts from my brain and concentrate on my work. I have been working at Paloma Azul for more than four years and although it’s far from my dream job, it is a decent job, the pay is better than most similar jobs and my boss happens to be a close friend who is not only extremely understanding but exceedingly helpful too. 

Halle Morales is a force to be reckoned with. I met her at 16 years old when we all joined the sixth form college from a wide variety of secondary schools. Halle was self-assured, blunt, and absolutely, stunningly beautiful. I must admit I was really intimidated by her for the first few years of our friendship. In fact, I think I still am! 

I know there is something shady about Halle’s family business. However, I do not want to know any more than that. Her parents have always been very welcoming of both me and Summer and have saved me from the past two Christmases alone. Their business is their business. They are lovely people who have treated both me and my daughter like family, they have treated us better than my own family and I will always find time and respect for them for that. 

Paloma Azul is an elite nightclub with an exclusive membership list. Every single person who goes in there has paid for the privilege; trust me, I process not only their payments but their tracking details too. 

As I reach Halle’s office she is talking on the phone and it makes me smile: it must be Brad. I do wonder if she will ever accept him as a partner the way her father would like her too. 

“Fuck off, you useless prick, I do not need your help, you can shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.” Halle is shouting fiercely down the phone. 

I guess Mr Morales is going to have a long wait!