Chapter 5 Playing in the water

Claudius's POV

The house is quiet and dark. The only light is the candle I have going next to me on the nightstand. It lights up the room just enough so I can see that stain. I flinch at the loud sound of thunder as it rolls, and a flash of lightning briefly lights up my room before I hear the loud sound of rain, as it beats down on my roof. 

I reach up and wipe my face, wiping the tears away as I stare at that spot, and hope the patch job I did holds, and the roof doesn't leak again.

The sound of rain gets louder as the sky opens up and lets it down. The hot tears run down my face faster, and I can't help but wonder if the sky is crying with me. I roll onto my side, finally taking my eyes off that stain. 

I grab the pillow next to me and wrap my arms around it. I feel so alone, I've been in this house all day. My head has been quiet, too quiet. It's like he's been sleeping all day. Is this how humans feel? I would hate to be one, it's so lonely.

My shoulders shake as I cry harder, wishing I had someone, just one person in my life. 

"I'm sorry, Claudius." I hear the quiet voice of Niko and I break down crying even harder.

"Niko... I'm so sorry, I missed you! I'm sorry I chased him away. Please don't hate me.

"I don't hate you, I love you, Claudius! I wasn't mad, I was hurt, I was hoping he would be ours. I love him... I've just been so tired, I couldn't talk. It felt like a rejection, it took a lot out of me."

"I'm so sorry Niko! I didn't realize it had that kind of effect on you." 

"It's okay, I feel better. I have a little more energy now...

The rain sounds beautiful, doesn't it Claudius?" Niko said as I closed my eyes and pictured him. I pictured my fingers running through his fur and he began purring. I felt that familiar sensation, as though he was rubbing his face against the inside of my head.

"It does, It sounds beautiful. I missed you so much, Niko!"

"I missed you too, Claudius!" Niko said softly, as he fell asleep. 

....

I've been more depressed than ever, and find it hard to eat or do anything besides training, and patrolling. I can't help but wonder if he's leaving because of me... Is it my fault? Is that why he's leaving?

Yesterday we were informed that Noah will be leaving. My heart was shattered all over again. Somehow it felt as though I was losing him all over again.

Noah's taking on a new position. He's going to lead a team of 25 warriors that travel throughout the states and train other packs that need help. 

He'll be gone for 6 months, then they'll come home for 3 months before they leave again, and he's gone for another 6 months. The cycle continues and repeats itself until he decides he doesn't want to travel anymore.

I can't help but wonder if it's my fault. Is he leaving because of me, so he doesn't have to see me anymore?

Pushing off the bed and standing up. I walked to the front door and slid my shoes on before stepping out of the house. I need answers, I need to know if I'm the reason. 

I feel the cool brisk morning breeze against my cheeks, and I look up to see the sun beginning to rise in the sky. It's early, and we don't have training today. But knowing Noah, he's most likely on the training field anyways. 

As the training field comes into view, I instantly spot him. I see his white hair blowing in the wind as he goes through his movements. It almost looks like he's dancing, and I can't help but wonder which martial art he's doing. 

My Goddess, he takes my breath away!

His arms slowly move, and his feet slowly stretch out as he moves through the turns, and stretches out before slowly spinning. His hand's twirl and spin as he dances on the training field. His beautiful white hair whips around when he begins to spin fast as he moves into a new set of movements.

He changes from one technique to another as he quickly begins to move. His body bends, his legs kick out and he begins to flip over and over again until he lands and almost falls when his eyes land on mine. 

Noah stood up as I slowly approached him. This is the first time I've seen him outside of training since that day at the lake. I feel my heart pounding against my chest. I feel Niko near the surface, looking out my eyes, wanting to see Noah. 

My heart aches as I stand just a few steps feet away from him. I can smell his sweet scent, I can see the sweat on his hairline. It's so hard to stand here and resist the urge to reach out and touch him. Oh, how I want to. 

"Are you leaving because of me?"

"Yes and no. I'm leaving because of you, and myself." Noah said.

"What does that even mean?"

"I'm leaving because I don't want to hurt you... And I'm leaving because of myself. Because I like you more than I should, and I can't."

Noah said and I thought my heart stopped. He likes me... More than he should is what he said. That means he likes me more than friends. If he does, why can't he just give in to it then? Why can't he stay, and be with me?

"Don't go!" I said, hearing my voice crack as I struggled not to cry. 

"Don't make this harder than it already is. This is already so hard for me, don't!... I'm not staying, I can't!" Noah said and I could tell he was trying not to cry. I didn't realize his feelings for me were so strong.

I don't want him to go, it feels like I can't breathe at the thought of him leaving. I never had time to stop my heart from speaking. Somehow he seems to do that to me. My mouth opened, and the words spilled out.

"I don't have anyone else, she's not going to give me a second chance mate, I choose you! I don't want anyone else. I'll risk the heartache if you actually do find your mate. If it's only a month, I'll take it, if it's a year, I'll take it! I'll take whatever I can get with you, don't go!" I said and began crying halfway through. By the time the last words left my mouth, I was sobbing.

It's true, I'll take whatever I can get. I love him, I want him so bad, I'll accept whatever I can have.

I can see the tears in his eyes, I can see him barely holding on as he struggles to keep it together.

"Stop!... Please! Don't you see, I've already done what I didn't want to do, and I didn't even try. You're such a good person, you don't deserve this. You deserve someone who can return the love you're looking for, someone who can love you and never let you go. 

Claudius, that person's not me. There's someone out there for me already, I  haven't met my mate yet. If I'm with you and I find him or he finds me, I would have to leave you. And I know how bad that would hurt you. I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. So I'm leaving before I really hurt you down the road." Noah said as tears ran down his face.

Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it feel like I can't breathe? I can hear the sound of my loud ugly cry as I fail to hold it together and I break. 

I reached out for Noah, but pull my hand back, knowing he probably doesn't want me to touch him. 

I was so thankful when he moved forward and pulled me into his arms, hugging me. My head dropped to his shoulder. My hands wrapped around him as I held him tight. Knowing it'll be the last time I'll ever get to hold him. 

"I'm so sorry Claudius! If I would have known and not been so blind, I would have stopped it before it got this far."

Noah said but I couldn't talk just yet, so instead I held him until I stopped crying enough, and finally let him go.

"That's the thing, you didn't do anything. You were simply being you. I fell in love with you because of you, not anything you did with me. You never flirted with me or led me on. You were just simply being you, you were being Noah…

Don't worry about me, I'll be okay."

I said, not wanting him to worry about me. 

Noah took my hands and squeezed them.

"I really wish you the best. I truly hope you find someone worthy of your love. I hope you find your happily ever after!"

Noah said, and both of our heads turned towards the loud thunderous growl that we heard in the distance. I could hear the thundering sounds of paws hitting the ground as it raced toward us. 

I don't know why, but I felt nervous as I watched a frantic-looking Zeus barreling toward us. 

I watched his eyes, moved between Noah and myself as if he was trying to figure out what was going on.

Noah turns back and smiles at me and I force a smile back.

"I'll see you at training tomorrow," Noah said before turning towards Zeus and reaching for his face. 

Zeus closed his eyes as he lowered his head and pressed his forehead against Noah's chest. I watched Noah wrap his arms around Zeus's incredibly large head and almost found it amusing that his arms couldn't even reach around his head.

I let out a breath as I turned and began walking back home.