Ch. 3

Now*

“Mom, please help me understand. Did something bad happen?”

“Gosh no Charlee, nothing like what you’re thinking. I’m just trying to help you understand, and tell you the story of the last night I saw your father. It had been weird, different, we had gotten into a fight at a party, and he told me he was in love with someone who died, and he also let it slip that she looked like me, we didn’t talk for an entire week, but the next day he was leaving with his family back to Louisiana and I knew that if I ever wanted to see him again, it had to be that night.”

Then*

“I’m surprised you came.” I said

He laughed, “I’m surprised you called, listen Cheryl, about what I said…fuck, I wish I knew what to say, but I’m not going to lie, it’s all true, I wish I wouldn’t have said it that way though.”

“What way would you have said it?” I looked at him, I noticed his posture was hunched, hands in his pockets, head down, shame and guilt written all over his face.

“Cheryl, it's not important, it just is what it is.”

“It’s important to me, please.”

He sighed, and sat down in the bed of his truck in my drive way. He patted his hand at the empty spot next to him. I sat next down and waited for him to start.”

“Her name was Emma, Emma Lane. I’ve known her all my life, we basically raised each other, our parents always busy with work, flying around the world, I don’t remember a time in my life we weren’t together. She was like the sun, her smile could light up a room, people naturally gravitated towards her and she didn’t even notice. You remind me of her in that way, your personalities are infectious, when I saw you in the store that day, I thought you were her, the only difference is the eyes. Hers were a color I can't explain, a deep brown almost black, but sometimes they looked red if you can believe it.”

I stared at him, urging him to continue.

“Being with her was as easy as breathing, we had been best friends since before we could walk, and about the age of 16 it turned into more, it was natural, almost as if she was made for me and I her, our souls recognized themselves in each other and from then on, that was it for me. There was never going to be anyone else not for me anyway, we even got accepted and went to the same college. I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t, and not because I don’t want too but there are somethings you’re better off not knowing.”

“But you said she died, that she was dead.”

“I did, and she is, there was an accident and she’s gone now.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t. I just sat there, letting all the words that were spoken and unspoken linger between us.

Now*

“So my father, was in love with someone who died, and then I was born?”

“Charlee don’t be so dramatic, I’m not finished yet.” 

Then*

“There is a party on the beach tonight, what do you say? One last shindig before I never see you again?” I smiled, but I could tell it didn’t reach my eyes.

“You sure you want to go? It didn’t end so well for either of us last time.” 

“I’m sure, I’ll just stay away from empty bottles and kissing boys.”

Terry looked over to me, trying to read my facial expressions, his knuckles white on the steering wheel from squeezing so hard.

“Well if you promise then let’s go.”

The night passed in a blur, too many people and way too many beers. Where was Terry? It was his last night before he left, and every fiber of my being was telling me that I wouldn’t see him again after tonight. Almost as if my spidey scenses kicked in- I looked over to my right and saw him down on the beach toes in the water. I wandered over to him, “Hey stranger, you having fun?” 

“I am now.” 

I blushed, unsure of how to respond so I just nudged him with my shoulder.

We both had too much to drink so he went flying into the sand with me next to him, I couldn’t help but giggle, and once I started I couldn’t stop. Before I knew it he was laughing too, I looked over at him, god he was beautiful, before I could stop to think, I bent over and I kissed him.

He groaned, and deepened the kiss, I felt him everywhere, even in my toes, and before I could protest he pushed me off of him.

“Cheryl we can’t.”

“Yes we can, please. You’re leaving tomorrow.”

“And that’s one of the reasons I can’t.”

“Look, Terry, I know you love her, I know she was your soulmate, but please, just let me take the pain away for one night. I can’t imagine looking back and wondering what if.”

“You’ve been drinking, I can’t.”

“I know exactly what I’m doing, and exactly what I’m asking.’ Before I could talk myself out of it I started stripping.

“Put your clothes back on, please, I don’t have much more control.”

“No.” I said as I walked over to him, “No more fighting, No more running away, just one night.” I pushed my breasts up against his bare skin, and ran my lips across his collar bone.”

“Cheryl…. Please put your clothes on.”

“No.” And then he kissed me, he kissed me like he couldn’t breathe, like he’d never stop kissing me.

Now*

I sat in silence looking over at my mom

“And?”

“And nothing, that’s it. I woke up the next morning, on the beach, alone.”

“Did you try calling him? ANYTHING?”

“Of course I did Charlee, of course. But by the time I puckered up the courage to call him, his phone had been disconnected. All I had was a name, Terry Jones. He never called either Charlee, never came back and never wrote. The first week after he had left I had convinced myself he would call, he would come back, that the connection we shared wasn’t just in my head. But he never did, and by the time I found out I was pregnant, six weeks had passed. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and worst of all, heartbroken.”

“Did he ever know about me?” I whispered

“Do you remember the winter before you turned 10, your school was having a father daughter dance, and you asked me about him? And why your dad didn’t love you enough to come?”

“Vaguely.” I grimaced- That was a lie, of course I remembered, I was teased all year because I didn’t have a daddy to take me to the dance. 

“It broke my heart that day you came home in tears, so I tracked him and his whole family down, loaded by the way, some kind investment firm they owned. And I wrote him a letter, actually I wrote him multiple letters, I told him about you, and who you were, I even sent him pictures and a copy of your birth certificate. I explained to him that I changed my last name to match yours, and that if he had an issue with that then he could just go straight to hell for all I cared. I sent a letter a year for five years. I never knew if he received them, until the day that cop showed up and told me he was dead & you were listed as his next of kin.”

“So he knew about me and never bothered to come meet me?”

My mother sighed, “I wish I could tell you the reasons why but I can’t.”

I held in my tears, she was right, I wasn’t ready.