Chapter 7: Santos, Part 2

I close my eyes and swallow hard, letting my shame wash over me. She's right. I should have. And I didn't. And now we're here. And it sucks.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" I open my eyes, throwing a smile on my face and squatting down as my two girls come racing into the room and jumping into my arms.

"Oh, my girls!" I kiss them all over their faces and dig my fingers into their ribs, tickling them. "I missed you girls so much."

"Daddy, Mommy got me some princess flip-flops. See?" Myra shoves her foot in my face, almost falling over in the process.

"Oh, they're so nice," I say in that exaggerated response most parents use when their kids get excited about the small things in life.

"Me, too, Daddy." Lina just points at her feet instead of trying for balance.

"Look at that! One Elsa, one Anna. So you don't get them mixed up." They nod excitedly, thrilled that I understand the concept of keeping their things separated. "They are beautiful. But I think maybe we should wear our runners today since we're going to do a lot of walking at the zoo."

"We going to the zoo, Daddy?" Lina asks with wide eyes. "We gonna see the monkeys?"

"Absolutely! As soon as you girls are ready and we have Theo packed up, we'll get going."

"Yay!" they yell and take off down the hall to their room, presumably to change shoes, leaving Mari and I alone and uncomfortable again.

"Theo went down for a nap about an hour and a half ago," Mari says, as I stand up. "I'll get his stuff ready to go and then we can wake him. He should be okay the rest of the day."

"Okay. Thanks." I pick up the box of diapers. "Where do you want me to put these?"

"You can just leave them on the couch."

Reaching for the other bag, I pull out a box. "I, um… I got this for you. I know your other coffee maker is on its last leg, and I know how much you need your shot of caffeine in the morning, so I got you this new one. It has a timer you can set before bed, which is one less thing to do in the morning. And it comes with a reusable filter if you want it so you don't have to keep buying the paper ones...."

"Santos…" she objects, and I know what she's implying without her going any further.

"Mari, please." I blink back the tears I feel in my eyes. I've never, ever been a crier before, but ever since they left, I find it harder and harder to control my emotions. "I know I fucked up. I know it. Every single day, I wish I could change it. Fuck me. Fuck how bad it hurts me. I deserve it. I hate myself for how I hurt you. Please just take the damn coffee maker. I want to know I've at least done something good for you in all this mess. Please."

She looks to the ceiling and swallows like she's fighting back her own tears. "Okay," she says quietly. "You can set it up where the other one is."

"Thank you." I turn and walk into the kitchen, grateful to be in the other room when the girls come racing back in so they don't have to see the emotion on my face. They don't need this to be any harder on them than it already is.

While I set up the coffee maker and dispose of the old one, all three of my girls work together to get Theo's backpack ready for our day out. I love hearing Mari call out directions and the girls finding what she's asking for. They treat it like their own little scavenger hunt.

I miss hearing these sounds every day.

By the time the backpack is filled with everything he could potentially need, it probably weighs about twenty pounds. I always used to joke with Mari that she packed too much stuff anytime we went anywhere. But we also were always prepared for anything. Never once did we get in a situation with any of the kids where we didn't have what we needed. It's just one of the ways she's the best mom in the world.

"Look who just woke up." I turn to see Theo laying on Mari's shoulder, eyes still groggy with sleep.

"Hey, my man." I rub on his back and his face breaks out into a grin. "You wanna go with us to see the animals?"

He snuggles in closer to Mari as I just stand there, still rubbing his back as he wakes up. It's the closest I've been to my wife in months and I let myself feel content, knowing the moment will disappear before long.

Sure enough, Theo decides he's ready for the day and pops his head off her shoulder.

"You ready to get dressed and go bye-bye with Daddy?" At her words, he turns and waves at me, making us laugh.

"Close enough, dude. We'll wave bye-bye to Mommy in a minute."

Within minutes, I have the diaper bag and all three kids in my arms and ready to go.

"You sure you don't want to go with us?" I ask Mari, as the girls race out the door. "Girls! Stay on this sidewalk!" They groan, but comply.

Mari gives me a sad smile. "Thanks, but no. This is your time with them. Have fun."

I nod and give my own sad smile back before turning away. I hear the door shut behind me and take a deep breath. I may have lost my wife, but I will not be one of those dads that stops visiting his kids because it's too hard to be around their mother.

And maybe, just maybe someday I'll convince Mari that it's not too hard to be around me either.