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Chapter 10.

Knowing nothing, being told nothing, was worse than any kind of bad news Celeste could have given me on the day of the shooting. All I had was memories and uncertainty, other times I'd feel sure he was dead and tell myself I had to accept this before it was confirmed to me because if I held on to any kind of hope it would only make the pain worse when I knew the truth.

I would never know another man like Jonny, nor would I ever love anyone else the way I loved him. Sometimes I was angry because he had chosen to live a life that had led to this, other times I thought about the brave man who had lived with so much danger and adversity and I felt proud of him. Either way, I loved him with all of my heart, I had loved him from the day we met and even though I was grateful for the time we had spent together, I had my regrets: Life was short, I wished we had got together sooner. Right now, as I moved, as I walked, my widened hole rubbed together as if my arse had turned into a second vagina
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