Chapter 12: Without Losing Anything

Lyra's POV 

I stretched out on my bed, taking in all the emotions I felt. I was on edge. Love, hate, pain, shame—how much longer could I hold out?

Saana wasn't even back yet so I could vent to her. The worst that could happen to me right now is for Anya and Freya to walk in on me. 

I wiped my tears once more, trying to keep cool. But this pain hit hard and different, forcing out the tears even when I didn't want to cry anymore.

My head ached with so much heat and pressure. Was I ever going to survive this? I tried to hold my breath for a second. As I closed my eyes, his eyes flashed before me. I quickly opened them and curled up, crying even more intensely than before.

“Mother, couldn't you just show up in times like this?!" 

I was bitter about everything going on in my life, and I wasn't having any of it. I shot up from the bed and sat in front of the mirror, looking at my rosy cheeks.

How was I to accept this life, and live it like it's the best thing that ever happened to me?

I stared deeply into my own eyes, hoping that my wolf would say something to me, but no. I was just having distorted visions of Alpha Kieran, verbally enforcing his control over me. I blocked my eyes and screamed at the top of my voice, forcing my eyes shut.

“Lyra, baby." 

Startled, I looked up immediately.

Finally, she showed up, and it's not in my dream!

“Mother?" 

“Lyra, why are you so angry?" 

I paused as I looked at her reflection in the mirror. Could she always be here when I needed her to be? At least, she could sense my anger.

“Mother, I'm tired. Why can't I just end it all and be with you and father? I'm tired of being treated like a door mat. This isn't what you always told me life would be like." Tears choked my voice, and I let them fall.

“I'm not even considered important enough to deserve a chance at life like other wolves. My wolf hasn't awakened yet, and my defense skills are still the worst." 

My mother's reflection watched me with worried eyes. This thing hurt deeper than what I showed, and it wasn't going down well with me. But she didn't say anything. Maybe she wanted to hear all my frustrations. Good.

“Now, I'm caught between the council and the Alpha. Saana says the nobles and elites are all selfish, and will only use me for their interests. Alpha Kieran tells me I'm special, but I don't feel so. Instead, I feel threatened with each passing moment." I paused to cry my heart out again. “I've lost my best friend, Anya. I feel like I've lost everything sane!" 

“Lyra, baby, I can understand the pain you feel. But you're not alone. I bore the same pain when your father had to fight for the bond we shared. It was a terrible thing. Very grave. I couldn't sense our mate bond yet, leaving us both very vulnerable. He was ready to bond with me, but I wasn't able to partake in it. Not until it seemed I was on the verge of death did my wolf manifest, proving everything." 

I became silent. Mother was an Omega too? I thought this was my own problem.

But, wait! Did I also have to be at the point of death for my own wolf to manifest?

“Mother, will I also be at the verge of death before I could get my wolf? Most omegas have, and I seem the weakest of the weaklings. At least, if I had my wolf, I'd have been able to sense this bond with Alpha Kieran. What should I do?”

Her reflection began to fade.

“Mother, wait! I still have questions to ask!" But she was already gone.

Why did it always have to be just when I was getting somewhere? Was I ever going to discover anything about me at this rate? I cradled my head in both my palms and sobbed some more. Just then, Saana walked in.

I returned to my bed, feeling more dejected than ever. She came over and joined me. I was curled up like a foetus, feeling abandoned by everything good and normal.

“When are you going to stop all this sulking, Lyra? Can you stop being in denial?" She asked with a wide toothless grin.

“This isn't denial, Saana. This is wanting to live a regular life, and being denied the opportunity. This is running away from things that haunt me, but won't go away. This is insanity." 

“Calm down," she coaxed.

“I've thought of ending it all; throwing myself off the cliff to the rocky below. I don't want to die where my body will be seen, Saana." 

Saana slapped me hard on the shoulder.

“Ow! What was that for, Saana?" 

“To bring you back to your senses." She rolled her eyes and rubbed the spot where she had hit me. 

“This whole thing is a game to prove your worth. Your survival depends on how well you play it. You can't just choose to end it all when you've been given a chance to finally redeem yourself." 

That's a new perspective, I admit. It's very fancy, and puts me in a place of power.

How about I turn the players of this game to my own pawn? A smile crossed my lips.

“I think I like that, Saana." Then the despair took over again. “But I've never played this kind of game before." 

“I'm sure Lady Seraphina made a deal with you. You might seem disadvantaged, but you're actually in control. You could lead her on, without losing anything." 

“How's that?" 

“Play the fool. These nobles love it when they can control your life. The sooner you give them that notion, the lesser control they have over you, and the more ahead you are of them. You could play with their trust to your own advantage." 

My eyes widened with prospects of things I could do to Lady Seraphina without losing my head for it, but with her consent.

Fair enough. I could get back at her for everything she had cost me.

“But how do I go about with Alpha Kieran? What if he's just using me because he thinks I'm the most harmless?" 

“Then put him in danger." 

We laughed.