Chapter 4

Holly shut the door to the guest bedroom and promptly collapsed in front of said door, her heart pounding so hard she felt dizzy. She still had one of the blankets wrapped around her shoulders, and she shrugged it off and tossed it into a corner somewhere. The heat blazed through the house now that the power had come back on; it was so loud that Holly could almost imagine she was alone.

Of course, she wasn’t alone—not even slightly. She thought about Matt: about his kisses, and touches, and how he smelled so good. Why did he have to smell so good? It wasn’t fair. She wished an old man with two teeth and who smelled like fish had picked her up out of that stupid ditch. Then she wouldn’t be sitting here, her hand over her heart, wanting to return to Matt’s room and kiss him again.

I can’t let this happen, she told herself. Matt didn’t need to get caught up in her drama, and besides, she had terrible judgment in men. When she’d first met Sam, she’d thought he was the sun, the moon, and the stars. She’d loved him—and trusted him—within a day of meeting him. And look how that had turned out. Running for her life from the very man she’d been convinced was her soulmate.

So, no, she couldn’t very well throw herself at the next available man, even if he was delicious, and kind, and kissed like a god. Holly groaned, slumping to the floor. She relived those kisses, over and over again, until she wanted to scratch out her very brain. If only he had been a terrible kisser! All slobbery and with bad breath.

It would be her luck that a man like Matt would be the one to save her, wouldn’t it?

She lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. Dawn was finally approaching, and rays of light shown through the windows as the sun rose. She glanced out the window. The snow was slowing down, and soon, Matt would take her back to her car, and she’d get on her way. To where, she wasn’t really sure. Kansas City had been a vague destination, one that had seemed far, far away from Sam and Louisiana.

She rubbed her eyes. She wanted to stay here, with Matt, but how could she? What if Sam showed up at his doorstep? Or what if her infamous bad judgment revealed that Matt wasn’t as great a guy as she’d thought?

Okay, yes, he was a cop. And he’d helped her without even asking for anything, and he’d stopped touching her when she’d freaked out. And he hadn’t run after her when she’d run out of his bedroom, yelling at her that she was a tease. He hadn’t done anything that would make her think he was like Sam.

And yet…

Holly sighed. Her heart slowed down, until she felt like she could breathe again, but her body tingled despite her best efforts. She pressed a finger against her lip; she closed her eyes.

She’d give herself five minutes: five minutes to relive Matt’s kisses and touch. Going to her bag, she pulled out her phone and set the timer. Then she got onto the guest bed, lay down, and remembered. She remembered his smell, and how he said her name in that husky voice of his, and how he’d tempted her with kisses that had been seduction itself. How his weight had felt on top of her; how he’d touched her—so gently, almost reverently. How he’d tasted of beer and what she’d come to recognize as Matt. Matt, Matt, Matt.

The timer sounded. She picked up her phone, silencing it, before closing her eyes and wishing she knew what to do next.

The snow had stopped completely by morning. Holly ventured downstairs early in the morning, but when Matt had entered the kitchen, she’d turned coward and scampered back to her room.

Now, though, she was starving, and she needed coffee rather desperately. Going back downstairs, she didn’t see Matt at all, until she rounded the corner and saw that he was digging out his driveway. She watched him for a moment, his arms and shoulders strong, his nose red from the cold. He’d already made a serious dent in the snow, although she couldn’t imagine he’d be able to clear his entire driveway—a seemingly endless driveway that finally emptied onto the country road west of it—but then again, he was a determined man. She had a feeling he could manage just about anything if he set his mind to it.

Arya came up then and nosed at her hand, the coldness of the dog’s nose startling her. She laughed, and Arya barked as Sansa joined her.

“Come on, you two. Let’s get me some food before I end up doing something really stupid.”

Holly made herself some scrambled eggs with a steaming cup of coffee. She listened to the house creak, the dogs woofing softly at her feet, and she could hear Matt shoveling snow as she ate. She didn’t know what she was going to say when he came inside. Sorry, we shouldn’t have kissed? Sorry, I’m an idiot? Sorry, you’re a good guy but I’m a mess?

She reached down and gave the dogs a bite of egg, which they received with the expected doggy enthusiasm. “What the hell am I doing?” she asked them. They just wagged their tails in unison.

Matt finally came back inside before lunchtime, sweaty and smelling like a man who’d gotten in a good workout. Holly rather loved that smell, and her heart thrilled when he walked past her in the kitchen. His dark hair was mussed, his shoulders rippling beneath his shirt that had been under his thick coat. He filled a glass of water without saying anything to her, drinking one glass and then another in quick gulps.

She got down from her stool, about to let him be alone, but his voice stopped her.

“We better go get your car.”

She turned to look at him. He didn’t seem particularly fazed, and for some reason, that irritated her. Shouldn’t he feel as awkward as she after what had happened? Or did he just not care? She gripped her mug of coffee harder.

“Do you think that’s a good idea? Can we even get out of here?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I have four-wheel drive, and they’ll have plowed the road. It’ll be snow-packed, but not impassable. Are you okay driving, though?”

She wanted to tell him the last thing she wanted to do was drive on snow-packed country roads, but he didn’t seem particularly inclined to have her stay as a guest. Her shoulders slumped. She couldn’t really blame him. Here she was, telling him to leave her alone one moment, and the next, she was practically throwing herself at him. Would she never learn?

“I’ll go get my stuff.”

She tossed her things into her bag and met him outside. When he handed her his coat, she balked.

“It’s an old one,” he explained over her protestations. “Take it. I’m not going to let you go off without a coat, Holly.”

The drive to her car was slow, Matt taking his time, and Holly inhaled his scent with every breath. She wished she could say something to break the tension, but what could she do? But when she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, she saw that he was frowning, and her initial frustration with him melted away like so much snow against the hot car.

“I’m sorry,” she said, not looking at him. “I’ve given you so much trouble. But I appreciate everything you’ve done, for what it’s worth.”

He took a deep breath, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. “You don’t have to apologize. It was my fault as much as yours.”

She opened her mouth to deny that, but then she thought better of it. She chewed her lip, wishing she could find the right words to explain…everything.

“When I first met Sam, I thought he was amazing,” she said softly. She could see Matt stiffen, but he didn’t tell her to stop talking, either. “He was like a whirlwind, you know? All emotion and energy. That night, I had told him that I’d never had a pet growing up, and he thought that was a great tragedy. I laughed at his antics. But the next morning, he showed up at my door with a tiny kitten with a ribbon wrapped around its neck.” Holly sighed at the memory. “I had no idea how to take care of a kitten, and I didn’t have the money for it, either. But the gesture was so sweet that I knew right then and there that I’d fallen in love with him.”

Matt was still tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. “Where’s the cat now?”

Holly looked out the window at the snow-covered land. “After I moved in with Sam, he constantly complained about the cat. He hated it. It got fur all over his stuff, and it howled at night, and he told me that if I didn’t get rid of it, he would.” She wiped her eyes at the memory. “So I had to take it to a shelter, because Sam didn’t want it anymore.”

“That’s a shitty thing to make someone do.”

“Yes, it was. But I’m telling you this because I don’t have good judgment. I think a person is good, and safe, and kind, but they always turn out to be something else as time passes. No matter how hard I look, I somehow end up being wrong.” Her eyes watered; she told herself it was from the brightness of the sun against the white snow. “I’m just too screwed up,” she finally said into the quiet.

Matt was silent. She didn’t know if he understood her, or if he thought she was being ridiculous, or if he didn’t care. She wanted him to say something, though. What was he thinking? Did he regret what had happened this morning?

“The problem with your story,” he said quietly, “is that you’re blaming yourself for other people’s actions. Judgment is one thing, but expecting others to act decently doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.”

She looked at him now, memorizing the lines of his face. His dear, handsome face. He turned so their gazes met.

“Don’t let that hope in others ever leave you, because as a cop, I can tell you that it’s a difficult thing to hold onto,” he said.

They fell silent as they approached her car. She helped him dig it out, as it was covered in so much snow that you’d almost miss it if you weren’t looking for it. The work gave her a respite from her thoughts, although she couldn’t help but watch as Matt worked.

Finally, they’d cleared the snow enough that he could replace the flat tire, although she had to help him get her stuff out of the trunk so he could get to the spare. He changed the tire so quickly she hadn’t even realized he was done until he started placing her things back inside the car.

She got inside, feeling tears press at her eyelids. This was goodbye, wasn’t it? She didn’t know where she could even go, not really. She only had a little money. Biting the inside of her cheek, she forced herself not to cry like a baby in front of Matt. He’d done enough. He didn’t have to save her from this, too.

“Follow me, okay?” he said before she closed the car door.

She nodded, not sure why she needed to follow him, but she supposed it could get easy to get lost in all of this snow.

They drove slowly, Holly following two cars behind him as he’d advised her. She cranked up the heat in her car, glad that she’d filled up her gas tank not long ago. She turned on the radio, but the cheery sound of Christmas music only made her more depressed. Switching it off, she decided that silence was better than a false attempt at cheer.

As they drove down the road, she watched as Matt turned. She followed, frowning. Why was he taking her back to his house? Had she forgotten something? She drove very slowly behind him until she reached his garage. She parked her car and got out at the same time he did.

“What is it?” She walked up to him, confusion marring her features. “Did I forget something?”

He glanced at her, surprised. “Did you really think I was going to let you go on your own when your ex could be following you?” His voice seemed incredulous, like she’d just told him the moon was really made of cheese.

She blinked. Well, she had thought that, hadn’t she? “Why?” was all she could say.

“Holly, I’m a cop. I’m going to help you get away from this guy.” He touched her arm, his expression gentle. “I’m not going to give you a cat and then force you to get rid of it.”

It didn’t make any sense, not really, and yet, those words sent a thrill through her. A thrill that soon transformed into tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. Matt had turned away from her already, and she was glad of that. She didn’t want him to see how weak she really was. She wanted him to think she could handle herself, no matter what happened.

They entered the house, the dogs barking, and Holly hugged herself. She hoped her judgment was right this time. She hoped it so hard that her heart almost burst.

Seeing Matt look at her, a small smile on his face, she could almost tell herself everything would be okay. She didn’t need to be afraid anymore.

“Thank you.” She took his hands, smiling up at him. “Thank you for everything.”

He seemed to want to reach out to touch her face, but he didn’t. He stood back, nodded, and went into the kitchen without so much as a backward glance.