0041: Guilt, Heartache and Longing

Maria's POV

When I got home, everything was quiet.

The lights in the living room were on, the TV humming softly in the background. Louisa sat on the couch, one leg tucked beneath her, a bowl of popcorn resting on her lap. She stood up as I came in.

“Welcome Ms. Maria,” she said, giving me a small smile.

“Thanks,” I muttered back, barely making eye contact. I didn’t stop to talk or even ask what she was watching even though it's my first time finding her like that. It's always the kitchen or the dinning for her.

Anyways, I just kept walking. 

Straight to my room.

I dropped my bag by the door and collapsed onto the bed. My face to the ceiling. Arms by my side. My shoes were still on.

I just lay there.

No thoughts. No movement.

The silence of the room was thick, almost comforting. My chest rose and fell slowly, eyes locked on the little cracks in the ceiling paint. Nothing made sense. Not even the day.

Then… Liam came to mind.

Like a breeze that slipped under a door—soft and cool.

I didn’t even try to stop it.

His face, his smile, the way he looked at me today… it all came rushing back like I had just left his car a second ago instead of an hour.

We had fun.

Real fun.

Shooting those ridiculous guns, laughing at each other’s aim. I actually thought I’d mess up with the long one, but my muscle memory kicked in. I didn’t tell him I’d used one before. Maybe it surprised him. Maybe he thought I was showing off.

But in that moment, it didn’t matter. Nothing did.

Not Luca.

Not his hurts.

Not the fear.

Not Alexa or Alejandro or the other things that seem to be wrapping around me.

For a few hours, I felt like me again.

The old me.

The one who didn’t wake up wondering what mood a man would be in. The one who didn’t walk on eggshells, trying to be careful not to push some man too much.

And Liam… he made it easy to forget.

Until I remembered.

Until I stepped back before anything happened and walked away.

Because if things hadn’t ended between me and Liam… I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be with Luca.

I wouldn’t be someone’s possession.

I stared harder at the ceiling, as if it could answer the questions in my chest.

What would Luca even do if he found out I was with Liam?

Would he even care?

He seems so caught up with Alexa these days, like she’s the center of his world again.

But then again… Luca doesn’t need a reason to destroy someone.

He could end Liam.

Just like that.

No questions asked.

And he wouldn’t do it because he loved me. He’d do it because someone touched what he says is his.

That’s what I am to him.

His.

Even when he barely looks at me now.

Even when it sees bringing Alexa back to life is what he wants and would do anything for it.

Even when he lies and says it’s me he wants.

I closed my eyes.

The quiet of the room didn’t feel peaceful anymore. It felt heavy. Like it was pressing down on me.

I missed Liam.

God, I missed him.

I missed the way he used to hold me without asking for anything. The way he’d listen when I was angry, or sad, or nothing at all.

But no.

“No,” I whispered aloud, shaking my head. “Liam isn’t worth it.”

He left before.

He could leave again.

Maybe he just wanted to feel me one last time. Maybe he was just chasing the memory of us.

Or maybe he was lonely.

I pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes, as if that would stop the tears.

“No one wants me.”

The words slipped out without thinking.

“They just need something to fix a hole inside them. Someone to forget something else. I’m just… temporary.”

A tear rolled down the side of my face.

“I want someone who wants me. Just me. Not someone else’s shadow. Not someone else’s replacement.”

That’s what Luca made me.

A copy of a woman he couldn’t let go of. A living replacement for the woman who left him first.

And the worst part?

He doesn'’t even try to hide it.

If I reminded him of Alexa, why does he make it so obvious?

Why did he mention her name like she was right with him—like she was the one pleasuring him?

Why all these?

I turned onto my side and pulled the pillow under me, curling in like it could hold the pieces together.

Another tear followed. Then another.

My chest ached. Really ached. But not in a way I could explain.

I didn’t want Liam.

But I didn’t want this either.

I just wanted… peace.

And someone who would choose me. Only me. Not the ghost of a woman he lost. Not a substitute. Not a second thought.

But maybe that’s not meant for people like me.

People who break too easily and love too hard.

I cried quietly until the room blurred. Until the tears dried into the pillowcase. Until the pain in my chest dulled into something numb.

And then, somewhere between the feelings of guilt, heartache and longing… I fell asleep.