Unclear Thoughts

“HEY! What’s wrong?” asked Beatrice when Andrius entered their suite. The woman was only wearing a loose t-shirt.

The young man sat at the end of the chaise lounge. Beatrice approached him. she knelt behind him and placed her chin on his shoulder. She licked his ear and inserted one hand inside his t-shirt.

Suddenly, he stood up. The woman almost lost her balance. She shouted. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Look, Beatrice, I’m sorry. Just give me a little time to hear myself think,” he begged.

“Tell me what’s bothering you, then.”

He closes his eyes. “Please…” it’s all he could say.

The woman then stumps her feet as she walked away and sat in front of the dresser. She combed her hair. Andrius looked at her for seconds before the man went out of their room.

The dim light illuminated the long hallway. The surroundings were gloomy. He headed to the lobby. Apart from the old woman sitting and reading the newspaper and some receptionists, there was no one else there. He felt even sadder.

He looked out of the glass wall. He could see the snow-capped mountains on the horizon. He suddenly became cold and just folded his arms. He lost sight of the mountains and focused on other tall buildings and was overwhelmed.

He felt belittled towards himself. He felt ashamed of himself and Samantha. He greatly insulted the woman’s character. But she entrusted herself to him. Who could ever think that a girl who danced and stripped in front of everybody has no experience in sex? None. That’s why he couldn’t believe that Sam was a virgin.

He felt guilty for all words he just threw toward the woman. Aside from Sam, he also felt guilty about Beatrice. He betrayed her. He cheated on her. He was tempted by another woman.

WHILE LYING sideways on the bed and watching the flame of the large, scented candle over the side table, Sam couldn’t help but think. Like the sun in winter, her heart carries no warmth in the call of love. She has never experienced love. To her, men have only one face… worldly and selfish. It is useless for them to squander large sums in exchange for the provocative carcass of someone like her.

That… was then.

It’s different now. As she got to know her father better, she gradually realized that men are not the same. There are still kind and know how to value a woman’s dignity. She also hopes that many more are like her father—kind, responsible, and above all lovable—in the world of art and that he will give his everything to the one he loves.

She lay down on the bed. She could feel the pain in her body. She closed her eyes and recalled what happened between her and Andrius. That happened so fast. Why did she give herself to the man who despised her character? Her worth as a woman?

Tears fell from her cheeks. Is it possible for her to fall in love with the man?

“No!” she suddenly got up and burst into tears.

“ISN'T THAT what you want to happen, for him to apologize to you?” Helen was talking about Andrius. After a moment of crying, she called her friend. “I know you just make that portfolio thing your excuse, Sam. The truth is you want to see Andrius again. So that he will repent for insulting you.”

“Helen...”

“Come on, Sam. I know you. Why didn’t you forgive him?”

“I wanted him to kneel in front of me, but he didn’t do it.”

“Geez! It’s too much, Sam. What do you think of yourself?” She knew that her friend was right. So, she kept quiet. “Hello, Sam… are you still there?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you so mad with Andrius? Yes, he insulted you, he questioned your worth, but do understand him. We really tend to be insulted. Women like us were prone to insults—oh I’m pertaining to myself. I almost forgot that you’re a princess now—wait.” Seems like Helen talk to someone. So, she waited. After a while, Helen came back. “Hmmm… where did I stop? Ah—if you don’t accept his apology, do you think you’ll be at ease with each other during the pictorial?”

“I don’t know.”

“But do you still want to continue making your portfolio?” asked Helen.

“Of course,” she replied, and Helen didn’t talk back. “Helen?”

“Yup?”

“N-Nothing.” She tried to keep from saying anything to her friend.

But it seems like Helen feels something about it. “Tell me.”

“S-Something happened between Andrius and me.”

“What?” it takes a while when Helen responded. “You’re different, huh? You were furious with the person, yet you gave yourself to him? Hey! Are you crazy, Sam?” She heard a heavy sigh of Helen. “I’m sure he discovered enough to make him very sorry for insulting you.” Helen refers to her virginity.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do now.”

“Why not just forgive him? Get married. And ever the marriage fails, divorce is easy here in Las Vegas. No problem.”

She heaved a deep sigh. “Things are not that easy.”

“Well, forget everything then. We’re not in the Philippines. Nobody will condemn you for such an act. It’s just that, you gave yourself to the man you don’t love.”

“I-I love him, Helen,” she finally said. She’s been into a debate with herself about the sudden feelings that grew in her. And she just admits it.

“Oh, then everything will be easier because you love him,” said Helen.

“Andrius has a girlfriend.”

Helen laughed. “If you have to analyze your words. I think you want to follow my first advice. Wait, you’re telling me that all along you have feelings for that man and you’re not mad at him? Well, I can’t blame you. He’s handsome.”

A sigh was her answer.

“Oh, my friend, follow your heart so you can be happy. Whatever your heart dictates, follow it, and don’t be such egoistic. You will just be sad.”

She could not answer.

“Okay. I think it’s better if I just go there,” said Helen.

“Thank you. I’ll just wait for you.”

THE NEXT day, Andrius and Beatrice went to Silver Dust Studio early for the pictorial of Samantha’s portfolio. In there, there are so many special effects that he can use to make his work more fantastic. With the help of the lighting director, he had already prepared everything needed before Samantha arrived.

Sam was beautiful when she came. And he had to restrain himself so that Beatrice would not notice his great admiration towards the woman. This is no longer the Samantha he once insulted for her work and for the way she dressed.

With Sam's looks now, she was more respectable. They are civil to each other. Although there was still tension between the two of them, they were able to hide it from other people, especially Beatrice. After a few hours of pictorial, he had a chance to be with Sam because Beatrice is currently talking to Mr. Loke about the Las Vegas shows while Sam’s assistant was busy packing the clothes and accessories that they used.

“A-About what happened to us.” He stuttered. “Why did you let me? You… you can refuse, and I may not continue.”

Sam didn’t reply. She then glanced at Beatrice and Mr. Loke.

“Samantha…”

“Does my answer still matter?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

He did not respond. He could not find a suitable answer.

“Let’s forget about that, Andrius,” she said. She was about to walk away when he held her hand.

“After everything, that’s what you’re going to say? That easy?”

She looked at him. “What do you want me to do?”

Again, he was dumbfounded. He let go of her.

“Andrius!” Beatrice calls. The woman approaches him and smiles at Sam. Beatrice then clung her arm to his. “Can we go around the city?”

“Excuse me.” Sam turned around and headed for the door.

“Andrius?” Beatrice is waiting for his response.

He sighed and said, “okay.”

“Thanks, hon.” The girl then kissed him on the lips. And he caught Sam’s gaze on them. He felt ashamed.