Desiring his desire

 Josie had just introduced me to the talkative old lady when she began to talk about Jeremy's nephew being in town. Obviously Riverside isn't aware of who I am. I don't think they know who my Mama was either.  The papers,  its the only way they must have known. 

I am blinded with rage by the time I pull up in my driveway. I had left the kitchen in a hurry leaving Josie and Patty confused. I haven't been this mad since I left Florida. 

 " I would only be the ruin of her. " I tell myself about Josie. She's young and pretty and would soon be leaving high school. Bringing my cursed self into her life would cause her nothing but pain. I am determined not to see Josie again to save her the pain and to stop myself from wanting her, only this would be near impossible to achieve. 

      *            *          *

JOSIE

 " Why did he leave like that? " Stacey asks me after I explained what happened earlier to her. 

" I dunno girl, I don't live in his head. " I am irritated by her constant questioning. I am hurt by the way Mr. Winchester walked away from me at the restaurant. I am not in the mood for girl chatter. 

" There is something weird about him you know. " Stacey obviously does not mind my mood. 

" How so? " I ask

" I dunno. He seems odd. " Hearing her say this further spark my curiosity about finding out the reason behind the clouds in Daniel Winchester's eyes. I can't help but feel there is a depth to which his soul goes. 

"But boy, what won't I give to kiss those lips... "

"Ewww, girl you are pathetic. " I say and throw a pillow at her. 

" What?  True. The man is fine. " she says while biting her lower lip. How on earth did I become friends with this pervert?  

 She is right though. The man is handsome and I am attracted. At nineteen and almost done with High school, I am still without a boyfriend unlike my mates. 

" I can't understand the reason behind the reaction he put up to what Patty said though. " 

I am at a sleepover with my friend, Dad is out of town tonight. We can't spend the night talking about one guy where Stacey is so the conversation soon takes another direction when Stacey begins to talk about her latest conquest with the boys. 

  *             *            * 

DANIEL

"Mama, why can't we leave?  Let's leave, Mama " 

"No baby, now shush and go to bed "

" I don't wanna Mama. I don't wanna stay here anymore. "

" Baby, Mama and Pop love you, you know that right? "

" Pop says he ain't my dad. "

" He's your dad baby. "

" Then why does he say that to me whenever he's upset? "

" 'cos he's upset. Now Daniel say goodnight. "

" Goodnight Mama. "

"Sleep pretty my baby boy. "

 I jerk awake. My eyes are swollen from my long nap. I had fallen asleep in my work clothes. 

 The image of my five-year-old self talking with my mama in my bedroom back in Florida felt so real. It has been twenty years since I first questioned Randy's attitude towards me. It's also the year I discovered my passion for working with colors. 

 Living in Uncle Jeremy's home makes me feel closer to mom than ever since he killed her. I walk up the creaky stairs to her bedroom. I push the wooden door open a crack. It is my first time stepping in here since I came. 

 Photographs of my mother in her younger days line the wall. 

" Mama used to  live here " I hear myself say as I glance around the room. A photograph of a Mama holding a brown-haired baby stood closest to that of a man in an army uniform. I can recognize the baby as myself but I can't recall ever seeing the face of the man in the picture. I know Randy wasn't my birth father, I discovered that quite late though, I never really got to know who my father was. I am more confused than I left Florida. I came to Kansas to escape the demons living in my head. I came here to find silence from the constant raging. I don't know if I am anywhere close to that silence now, except of course whenever I am with Josie. 

" Stan!  What in hell's name happened to the yoghurt in the fridge? " That's Trace. She's nearer her term and is growing quite irritable by the day.  It's my third month in Kansas already, also three months since I ran away from Josie Geronimo.  I reckon things are easier for me that way. Apart from the High school, I spend a lot of time at Stan's. 

" What do I not do for this woman?  " Stan says quietly to prevent more tantrums. He raises his bulk and strolls towards the kitchen to meet his wife. Stan doesn't seem like the kind of man who would have such patience with women, yet now he does. "Say Dan, ever think you can handle times like this? " Stan asks from the doorway. 

" Man, I dunno. You are doing a great job " I reply quietly. 

" These women, they have a thing for changing us you know" Stan says with a smirk on his face. 

" How do you mean? " I ask out of genuine curiosity. 

" Find one, then you would get it " Trace chimes in from the kitchen, sarcastic as ever, she blames it on pregnancy hormones but I am sure it has nothing to do with that. 

" Yeah babe, tell 'im" Her husband supports her.

These two, so alike. I wonder if they are right though. Maybe finding my woman can make me better. The only one I want, I can't have. 

" I am a sick man, she deserves better. " I say to myself. Maybe if I can say it often enough, I would believe it and stop dreaming about her.