Chapter 4: Never been in love

 Right at that time, even the cold ice and snow could not compare to the coldness in his heart.

 Luxstay really wanted to dig out Emma's heart to see what it was made of.  She loved him so much, so much so that she was ready to throw herself away for him.

 Even though he was not affectionate towards her, she still couldn't help but fall in love with him.  She didn't understand, she would never understand.

Luxstay was really tired, if death could make her let go of him, she volunteered like a moth to rush into the fire.  Her love for him had become a kind of attachment, a rope that bound her and him.

 The contract that year for her was never meaningful.  Luxstay stupidly believed that time would make Emma fall in love with her.

 But she was wrong...

 It turned out that… she was wrong in the first place.

 Luxstay didn't know how she got to the hospital.  There was only one thought in her mind, she didn't want to see him no matter what.

 He ignited a glimmer of hope in her and then extinguished it with his own hands.

 How many "ifs" in human life?

 If she could start all over again, she would never want to meet and fall in love with him.  If that's the case, then it's good, if she hadn't seen him, she would still have been the lady who was carefree as a canary locked in a golden cage.

 Immediately after returning to the hospital, Luxstay immediately had a high fever.  She lay unconscious on the bed, fortunately when she was awake, she sent him a message.

 Her illness was enough for her to know, after she died, only hope that he could attend the funeral and see her off the last way.

 Luxstay ran her hand over the ring on her little finger.  This ring was the aunt of that year insisting that he buy it.

 On the wedding night, he went out and made her wait all night.  Even the head scarf she took off herself.

 In the past, she easily let it all go because of an apology and his ring.  At that time, Luxstay was like a child longing for love.  Looking back, it seemed that a lifetime had passed, love for that child was still a luxury.

 How pathetic it was.

Luxstay knew that for Emma, she was just a nameless wife, a pawn under his control.  So even if she disappeared from this world, he wouldn't know.  Perhaps when the news reached his ears, all that remained was a cold corpse.

 When Luxstay woke up, the sunset had fallen covering the entire city of S, and the snow had stopped falling.

 Every time she opened her eyes and woke up, Luxstay knew that she had just escaped the scythe of death.  Waking up was already a lucky kite, one day she would not be able to open her eyes to the sun anymore.

 She sat up with difficulty, leaning back against the bed.  Her phone showed two missed calls.  In the past two years, the number of times Emma had taken the initiative to call her was only enough to count on fingers.

 Luxstay didn't want to waste his time, so she  immediately dialed back.

 A few minutes later, there was a signal on the other side, and a familiar voice quickly came: 

"Luxstay."

 Luxstay's breathing was still a bit heavy, she gently replied: 

"Yes."

 "Tomorrow we go to country M."  

The first sentence he said again was a word forcing her to go to country M with him.  When she disappeared from the bookstore, he didn't care, like she never appeared.  It was also true that Luxstay did not ask for his love, much less expect him to take care of her.

 The promise he made with her before the divorce, of course, he still hadn't forgotten.  There were some things that still needed her to be resolved.

Emma's sudden decision took a lot of time for Luxstay to accept.  Was it because of the previous promise to her?  After thinking about it, there was only one answer.

 If that's the case, then there's no need, given her current state of health, she wouldn't be able to hold out for long.

 After hesitating for a while, Luxstay decided to say: 

"No need, I don't want to go."

 In the memory of Emma since he got married, Luxstay had never refused any of his requests.

 "Why?"  

He lowered his voice, his tone clearly showing his displeasure.

 Going back to the past, Luxstay would probably notice the change in his words.  But at that time she was not the same as before.  Her sixth sense seemed to be gradually disappearing.

 "You don't need to use your heart for me, that promise is just a joke from me when I'm not conscious."  

Luxstay spoke clearly each word, each word representing a knife that was cutting into her heart.

 Right after that, a "crack" sound was heard from the other end.  Luxstay shivered. Was he angry?

"Are you against me?"  His voice was as cold as ice, completely unable to hear the emotions inside.

 Was he mad at her just because she didn't want to go with him?

 Luxstay tried to get rid of negative thoughts about him, softly corrected: 

"Are you forcing me?"

 This one sentence of hers touched the deepest place in his heart.  What were his feelings towards her really?  Was it simply pity?

 No, he couldn't love her, absolutely not.  

 “Yes, I am forcing you.  Luxstay, you can hear me clearly.  If I can lift you up, I can also kick you down.”

 When she looked back, her love that year soon turned to ashes.  In the past two years, he had never treated her honestly even once.  This ridiculous relationship from the beginning started out of interest, and ended not without benefits.

 Luxstay choked on words that had been buried deep in her heart for so long, even though her eyes were already red… When the last word came to her, she almost sobbed: 

"Have you ever loved me or not?  Even if it's just for a moment?”

 Afternoon sun completely disappeared behind the clouds, Emma struggled to emphasize each word: 

"Never! Never!"

 “Okay… okay… I’ll go with you tomorrow.”  

After saying that, Luxstay immediately turned off the phone.

 Choosing to say goodbye to her, Emma's chest hurt like it was about to explode.  Wasn't this the result he wanted?  Why did the heart hurt so much?

 Feeling torn and tormented, Emma scratched his head and pulled his hair, temporarily in a rage he could not control, so he accidentally broke the picture on the table.  Emma knelt on one knee on the floor, slowly picked up the broken photo, gently caressing the photo.

 Since the phone call with Emma, Luxstay had been sitting on the bed lazily.

 Her eyes were clear and full of fear, like a lost child alone in the middle of an empty room.

 From the drawer, Luxstay slowly took out an old notebook.  She pulled her legs up, her hands clutching the book in her lap.

 The sobs suddenly grew louder, Luxstay hugged the notebook while saying: 

"Mom, your daughter has betrayed her mother.  Your daughter to the end of her life still did not find happiness.  Mom, there's no one in this world who loves me."

 When she was just eight years old, her mother hastily passed away due to a heart attack.

 Before she closed her eyes, her mother told her to definitely find happiness.  At the age of eight, Luxstay cried so much that her eyes were swollen, and she quickly nodded in agreement.  Mom said, as long as she found happiness, she wouldn't be lonely anymore.

 "But mom, I couldn't find happiness."

 "No one loves me except you, mom."

 "But that's okay, I'm going to see you soon, I won't be lonely anymore…"