CHAPTER 2: I’M A MESS

Gulong-gulo ang utak, nagtatatakbo ako palabas, heedless of the fact that I just ripped into pieces a huge amount of money and thrown it into his perplexed face. Feeling disgraced and a total mess, and as if it isn’t enough torture, naka-receive pa ako ng tadtad na missed calls and text messages from my boyfriend, Iszak:

"Call me back once you get this."

"Why aren't you answering my calls??"

"Babe where are you??"

"It's past midnight for f*ck's sake!"

“Heather, where the hell are you? Buong gabi mo akong pinaghintay sa Room 606! “

            But I was at Room 909. Gulong-gulo ako. Yung tipong parang sasabog sa halo-halong emosyon na hindi ko ma-explain. I couldn’t reply to him. I couldn’t find the right words to tell him. There’s so way I can face the love of my life after the mess I’ve made. This is f*cked up.

            Si Avaz, my best friend… did she set me up? But, what the hell for? How could she?! Now, I am not so sure anymore…

            Hindi ko alam kung papaano ako nakarating sa harapan ng inuupahan kong apartment. In a flimsy nightgown under a white hotel robe, and matching bedroom slippers, nakasakay ako sa taxi and murmured my address, I think. Mabuti na lang at weekend kung kaya’t tulog pa ang mga kapitbahay kong bampira.

            “Try to take a deep breath, Heather! Kalma lang. You are in the 21^st Century. Wala nang bampira. Only nightlifers, call center agents and a hundred more nocturnal odd jobs. Lahat na halos maigu-G****e mo ang sagot. Maski na ang problema na kasimbigat ng bola ng Mall of Asia, kaya!” Nausal ko sa sarili.

            Pagdaka’y naligo ako, kinuskos ng maigi ang mga bahaging narumihan ng estrangherong nakaniig ko sa isang gabing hindi makalimutan ngunit kailangan.

“Mere kisses and touches don’t leave marks on the skin, anyway. Kayang-kaya namang hugasan ang mga iyon ng sabon at tubig…” I tried to convince myself. Pero alam ko, sa kaibuturan ng puso, maaalala iyon lahat ng kaluluwa ko.

            The stress made me yawn, and drawn me to sleep. Again? Napapadalas yata ang pagiging antukin ko these days, ah? I missed the comfort of my own bed. So, ibinagsak ko dito ang pagod kong katawan and stifled another yawn.

            I was looking at myself in the mirror. Naka-suot ako ng black off-shouldered and sequined, body-hugging evening cocktail dress paired with a black and gold signature handbag and stiletto heels.

Nakita ko ang sarili ko na tila may hinahanap at nagmamadali,. It was an unfamiliar winding road. Lined with pine trees that suddenly rose uphill. May faded street sign. Sounds so foreign. Joconde Stradale.,

Sa distansiyang iyon, sa di kalayuan, nakita ko ang isang Renaissance-inspired na mansyon na lalong tumitingkad sa liwanag habang papalapit ako. Tila may malaking pagtitipon. Nawala sa paningin ko ang sarili ko. It’s as if talagang sinadya nya na iligaw ako.

I had to run after myself.

But somebody in the crowd bumped into me. This time, isang pamilyar na mukha. Ang lalaking napagkamalan akong prosti,of all people. How dare he!

Sa isang gabi ng pagkakamali, I was scarred and my soul branded in iron for life. Kailangan ko gumising mula sa bangungot na ito no matter what.

            My eyes fluttered open when a sudden call interrupted my short nap. It’s Iszak’s mom.

“You’re gonna stay away from my son from now on, you slut.”

I knew she was gonna kick me out of her son's life sooner or later. She was just looking for the right timing.

Si Madam Izabel Huang. Ang most influential person sa buhay ng boyfriend kong si Iszak. Yes po. Mama niya ito. I remember her vividly as a slender Chinese Mestiza who was left alone to raise his son by a Hungarian-American soldier. Mabuti na lang at hindi sila pinabayaan o di kaya'y itinakwil ng kapamilya. Ang kapalit, Madam Huang has to have one of the toughest hearts in the Chinese business world, at kasama na sa negosyo,ang usapin tungkol kay Iszak.

Flashback

"Alam ko na di ako pasado sa Mt. Everest standards ng Mommy mo,Iszak..."

"Yeah, alam ko. Pero no mountain is too high, remember? And you made me see the world from a different side. You know that's what I love most about you...”

"Sus! Tinuruan lang naman kitang mag go against your mom sometimes. In short, ako ang teacher mo sa kalokohan, which is healthy, by the way. I mean, hey, di ka na maliit na bata who needs her stamp mark and signature every time! In fact, men your age have several kids already. You're turning 30 soon!"

I remembered myself telling him this, to which he replied. "Speaking of kids pala ha? When would you like to start the process of making little Iszaks and mini-Heathers...hmmm? Now na ba?"

"Gagi! Andami ko pang iipunin para sa kasal natin, ano?"

"Hoy, Heather, ako ang lalaki dito. I should be thinking of that, primarily."

"Sure ka?"

"Sure na ano?"

"Na lalaki ka talaga?"

"Gago amp."

And we would end up rolling in the grasses, tickling each other sa paborito naming park sa sentro. Those happy days seemed so distant now...

Asan ka na,Iszak? How could you give up on us so easily? Ginamit mo nga lang ba talaga ako as a scapegoat? Or na-overpower ka na naman ng pagiging mama's boy mo? Nausal ko, dala ng kalungkutan at pag -iisa.