TWELVE: But Then There Are The Other Moments

I'm faring unwell since my last conversation with Harlan just a day before – if I can even call it a conversation. I spent Friday night and Saturday afternoon in bed, cuddled up in my blankets, watching N*****x with my laptop on my chest and my headphones in, icing out my roommate, Rose.

I don't mean to push her away. I don't want to. But I can hardly tell her about what is going on with me. Why I'm such a complete wreck. And as much as I want to unload on Rose, that would mean Harlan's termination.

I've caught feelings for the professor I never should have been sleeping with in the first place, the man who hasn't told me that whatever is going on between us is to remain devoid of feelings because he doesn't have to. He says it with the iciness in his gaze when he looks at me. He says it in the way he'd curtly text me when he needs me, and the way he immediately forces me away when he's had what he wants.

But then there are the other moments.

Like the time when he'd taken me up to his rooftop terrace and watched me gaze at the stars. The moment when he'd actually told me about his parents and his strained, unhappy relationship with them. And then there are the rare and fleeting moments when his touch is gentle and sends electric shock-waves through my skin that are so strong, I can feel the echo of them even as I lay in bed, sadly watching N*****x days later. These are the moments that made me think that maybe it isn't so cut-and-dry. That maybe he doesn't know how to connect with someone, but maybe he wants to. Wants to try.

I'm wrong.

I turn to the wall, tears prickling at my eyes. I don't know how I could have been so careless. And now, I'm paying the price. I've been rejected and haven't tried to text him. He hasn't texted me either. By the way I'd reacted to him the other evening, it’s clear that the two of us just aren't seeing eye-to-eye, he and I just don't work.

Chewing on my lower lip, I minimize the N*****x tab and pull up the article I'd found the other day. I still haven't closed out of it. It’s 10 years old, written in 2009, but perhaps the more dated it is, the better in terms of actually giving me any understanding into his life. I've read it a hundred times, but decide to read it again, praying it will give me some kind of insight into him.

What Ever Happened to Problem Child of Leia Organa-Hale and Husband Han?

Leia Organa-Hale – You all know her as the philanthropist who created The Resistance, the growing anti-war non-profit organization. Power couple Leia and Han have allegedly bid their young son, Ethan, farewell, a source tells us.

"The Hales have always been diligent in keeping Ethan out of the spotlight. They spent as much time with him as they could but things would come up, you know, they'd have to jet off to some war-torn front and the kid would always insist on coming, but when it wasn't safe, they'd have to send him away. He never took that well. He's off on his own now, which is sad. They're good parents. He was a problem-child, if you ask me, always looking for a reason to hate his folks for having their own lives."

The source, as we're told, is a friend to the family with ties to the organization. As Organa-Hale prepares for her departure for a relief-mission at the end of this month, supporters worry that the dwindling health of her husband will distract her from bringing the aid the country-in-question needs. Updates to follow.

Whoever the source is, he is right about one thing: few pictures of Ethan Hale exist on the face of the internet, not that the Organa-Hale are prime paparazzi prey.

I find one photo of a young boy squatting on the ground, hunched over some sort of archaeological find in a desert-looking area. He’s smiling, his dark hair waving in the wind and his eye crinkling at the corner. But the picture was taken from the side and he’s wearing a floppy, over-sized fisherman's hat, and a profile shot can't convince me if it is him or not.

Still, my heart aches for whoever the boy is. It can't have been easy not being able to follow your parents to some of the more dangerous places that their work takes them. If it were me, I suppose I would have felt angry, maybe even abandoned. But at the same time, the work that Leia and Han are doing is important. It is a difficult situation and the fault doesn't lie with anyone, and if it leaves open wounds, then it would have been essential for family to help heal them together.

It seems that with whoever Ethan Hale is, that never happened.

I stare at the picture of the boy, the boy who may or may not have turned out to be Harlan, and I silently wish that he could have just held on a little longer, could have stayed patient and trusted that his parents are gone for a good reason, and that they'd come back for him.