CHAPTER 1

"Ma, I like that toy."

I faced the toy he was pointing to, we were at the bus stop, and there was a nice shelter here that had a wooden bench and a bunch of advertisement posters. We're accompanied by an old couple sitting on my right and a teen in a junior high school uniform holding a robot toy that transformed into a car.

That was the toy that Levi wanted.

That's not part of our budget, since we started living alone now, I have to pay the rent, buy groceries, and pay bills, not like when I was just pregnant with Levi back in my sister's home in New Zealand.

She has her own family now, and we can't keep on bothering them anymore. That's why I decided to return to the country where it all happened, I'm not going to deny that the father of Levi was here, and based on the news and blogs that I frequent, he was living a great life.

But we did not return to bother him, I don't care if he's moved on or what, I came here to start anew and the first step for that was to rent an apartment.

I had to stand on my own and raise my son, and though my parents were just one domestic flight away, it would take time and a lot of confidence to meet them, because they didn't know I had a son now.

My sister and I are like best friends, she went to New Zealand and met the one she'll marry there, a year after I visited them and told them to keep my pregnancy a secret.

So they helped me, ignoring their own lives for five years, when my sister conceived her child that's when I realized I was being too much for them– a bother, a freeloader, a nuisance -- that's a better word to tell it.

I'm a bother, a mess, and a huge problem. I was the youngest, yet I got pregnant first.

It would be such a disgrace if I ran to my parents and announced I was pregnant in the heat of the moment when I just passed the bar and was finally entitled to become a lawyer.

I made my parents believe I was working for an international company, but the truth was I was just hiding my bump at my sister's house and trying to make ends meet.

All because of my baby's father.

I was a dreamer, and before, I had my plan and memorized it like the back of my hand. He knew it, too, but he decided to ruin it in the worst way possible.

Now I have a son and was trying to keep my head held high for him. It's not the same as before.

"Ma, is this our home now?" My baby woke up in my arms when we arrived at the front door of our apartment, I put him down and fixed his hoodie.

"Yes, darling, this is now our home." I twisted open the knob and was disheartened by the way the house looks like.

"Really? It looks like a shoebox," Levi commented and helped enter the luggage.

I heaved a sigh and walked to the bed, that's the first thing you'll see when you enter the house, then a kitchen on the left and a small bathroom on the right, Levi was right, it looked like a shoebox.

But this was the only thing I could afford, I instructed Levi to close the door after all the bags had been entered.

He immediately looked for his Lego toys while I stared at the space.

I want to leave my sister's house, ever since I went into them, I came in needing to be cared for that's why they can't focus on building a family even though they’re newlywed.

I thought of myself as a piece of extra baggage, then Levi arrived, and there were two of us to take care of.

That's why when my application to teach here got approved, I packed our bags and decided to leave.

Maybe Levi's disappointed in this, the house of my sister in New Zealand was big enough for us and had a rooftop and a pool, he was spoiled back then, but now it would be hard to face the reality, there's only the two of us living in a cramped apartment.

I arranged our things first and made us dinner. When I finished, Levi was sleeping on the bed, clutching his favourite teddy bear.

My hands touched his face, I was saddened by the fact that I couldn't spoil him anymore. By tomorrow, I need to go to my job and he'll be left here, he'll heat his food on the microwave and refill the pitcher when there's no more water in it, will he be okay then?

This was far from the dream we used to have— I used to have, I imagined after I turned twenty-nine I have my own family and live a happy life, but everything went downhill, I'm just happy that my son turned into someone everybody could easily adore, even though he was silent, he could be naughty at times, and my sister and her husband would take him to the mall and buy everything he wanted.

But now it's time to stop living in that dream. It's time to face the reality that it's just Levi and me.

As I was wandering in my thoughts, a soft little hand touched my cheeks. "Ma, I'm not sad. Why are you sad?"

Tears soaked in my eyes as his round beautiful eyes turned to me. They were shiny and hypnotizing, but at the same time, there was someone I remember when staring at them.

"I'm not." I blinked and turned away. "Come, let's have our dinner."

Levi just had to stand up and walk a few steps to reach our mini dining table, it wasn't proper dining but at least we could eat, the table was low and we didn't have any seats.

"Sit on the floor, darling, like Mama," I instructed, pulling out the cover and watching his amusing reaction as his favourite food had been shown in front of him.

It's just fried rice covered in egg with nothing special on it, I couldn't buy any ingredients, we just landed and I wanted to sleep but the need to keep my child full was my priority.

I don't want him to starve like I did.

He got his spoon and I watched him take his first bite, my stomach grumbled, but I was forced to smile and not mind it, instead, I put my hands together and decided to brief Levi on what would happen.

"Levi, you're a big boy now. Mama has to work, okay?"

He stared at me curiously. "What does that mean?"

"That means, Levi, I will ready your food while you sleep, and then when you wake up, you heat your food and eat, you could do whatever you want in this house of course, just don't leave, okay?"

I can enrol him in kindergarten, but since we've just arrived, it will take time to arrange all his papers and find one that accepts him even though schooling has already started.

He put his spoon down and lowered his head, seconds passed by, and he didn't say anything.

My smile slowly fades. He might just be thinking the same thing that I think. "Don't worry, my child, it would just be for a few days, a temporary one, then you could come with me and go to school!" I said, trying to cheer him up.

But he raised his head and stared at me, the kind of stare that made me speechless. It was seething and full of wrath.

"Ma," he exclaimed, gripping his spoon tightly on the table. My lips formed into a thin line, and I waited for him to finish his sentence.

"Ma, I want to be with my daddy."