Chapter Eleven: Tell Me To Stop

Ryan 

I shouldn’t be here. 

I’m not sure what I’m doing back in the apartment—with an excuse that didn’t make sense to me even when I tried repeating it to myself in the back of the cab that brought me back.   

“Hi…” Caleb says softly. 

The first thing I notice is that Anna’s not around. I glance in the direction of his bedroom. 

“She’s not here,” Caleb supplies, as if reading my thoughts. 

“Oh,” I mumble. I figured they were going to spend the night together. Did something happen? Was it because of me? I push the thought away before I can fall into a trap of delusion, nodding flatly. “I see,” I add. “Well,” I wring my hands, “I forgot something. I just came to pick it up. I’ll be out of your way soon.”

I turn before I can say anything else—like how good it felt to see his face—retreating behind the safety of the door standing between us. 

Inside my room, I fall back on the bed with a sigh, placing my hands over my face. “What’s the big plan now, Ryan?” I mumble to the empty room. “You couldn’t stay in a hotel room by yourself and now you’re back in your apartment, but you told him you were going to be gone for days.”

It’s my apartment. 

I can stay as long as I want, no? 

But then, I'll be admitting to Caleb that I was bluffing. And given how we left things, it’ll look like a temper tantrum in hindsight.

No. 

I get up, making up my mind to stay in the hotel like an independent adult and not someone who spent months playing a couple for the clicks and articles—and has now forgotten how to be on their own. 

I clear my throat and nod, with a firm attitude. “You’re going to stay away until you’re sure he’s out of your mind,” I scold myself sternly. “You’re not going to think about him that way anymore. Got it?”

I open the door without looking—my eyes almost bulging out when I see Caleb standing on the other side. 

He frowns slightly. “What way?”

Huh? 

Did he hear me? My pulse slams against my chest, like a deer caught in headlamps. “Nothing,” I say quickly. “I should get going. I didn’t find what I came for.”

I step to the side, but his fingers wrap around my wrist before I can escape, pinning me in place. “What are you doing?” I ask, turning back. I look down at my arm, at his fingers wrapped firmly around my wrist. “Caleb?” My gaze rises to his face. 

He swallows so hard his Adam's apple bulges against his throat. I blink rapidly as he takes a step closer to me, my lips parting in a half-protest and what feels like surrender. 

“You’re right,” he whispers, huskily. “I’m a hypocrite. I’ve spent every night since the couch day, thinking about you in ways I shouldn’t.” 

He has? 

I start to say something, but he places a finger against my lips, shaking his head. “It’s wrong, Ryan. It’s wrong because I’m dating Anna and we agreed that it’d be a fake relationship. Plus—” he shakes his head, dragging a hand across his chin with a frustrated exhale, “—I’m not attracted to men. I haven’t been, until…”

He trails off, his Adam's apple bobbing again. “…until you. And I don’t even know what this is. What this…” he grits his teeth as he steps closer to me, his finger against my lips turning into a cheek caress that makes my heart race faster, a flush racing down my neck.

But his hand doesn’t stop there. It trails down my arm, lingering enough to leave goosebumps, before sliding to my waist. I glance down, with a question on my tongue, as his fingers skim the hem of my shirt. 

“Caleb…”

That’s all I can get out. 

“I don’t know what to do, Ryan,” he forces the words out like they hurt, his eyes filled with exasperation as they lock on mine. “But I don’t think I can stop myself anymore. Pushing you away is taking more than I can handle. So maybe..” he swallows thickly, “…maybe just for tonight, we can pretend that there’s nothing else but us here.”

I suck in a sharp breath as he slides his hand under my shirt, but I don’t move. I can’t, even though I should, because the smart thing would be putting enough space between us—instead of going through the same cycle of denial when morning comes. 

But I want Caleb more than logic can override, so I raise my hands when he lifts my shirt, and watch it fall on the floor beside us. 

I hold my breath when he leans in, my chin tilting to meet the teasing graze of his lips as it brushes over mine. He kisses me slowly and my head spins as the taste of his tongue mingles with mine; his hands on my waist and my fingers tangled in his hair. I kiss him with everything I’ve been holding back, thrusting my tongue deep and moaning when he does the same, exploring my mouth as if it belongs to him. 

My hips rock forward as he grinds against my body, subconsciously seeking more from him. 

He’s hard. 

Very. 

But so am I. 

I reach between our bodies to touch him and he grunts sharply—sharp enough for me to pull away. “Did I…” I hesitate for a moment, my lashes fluttering, “…did I do something wrong?”

He shakes his head, but he grabs me the next second and tosses me hard enough on the bed that the mattress bounces. I gasp when he climbs, breathing fast, with my lips swollen and my pulse roaring through my ears. 

“Tell me to stop,” Caleb murmurs, his voice low and strained, his chest rising and falling too quickly. He braces himself over my body, his weight comfortable enough that I don't feel crushed. “Tell me to stop because I’m an asshole who does what he wants with no regard to how other people feel. And I’ll stop.”

I don’t tell him to stop. 

My hands slid under the hem of his shirt instead, my palms mapping the warm skin of his back. I reach higher, until they’re around his neck—and I bring him closer, enough for our lips to touch again. 

“You’re an asshole,” I whisper as I nip his bottom lip, eliciting a low, throaty groan from Caleb. “But I’m being selfish too, because I want this as much as you do. Maybe even more.”

He smiles a little at that, and his fingers slide around my neck, leaving enough room for me to breathe before his tongue slides into my mouth again.