Chapter 1

Blake POV

Pressing my shaking fingers to the cool glass of my office window, I stare out at the inky sky. The moon is full and bright, rising high and bathing the land below in silver shards of light. The sounds of laughter and music filter in on the breeze. Everyone else is celebrating. They’re excited for the pack run, where all the wolves in my territory gather to run free through the secluded forest that is our home. It’s a chance to reconnect with friends and with nature, to feel free and go wild, and enjoy what we are.

Normally, I live for this night. No matter how busy I am, I make sure I get home to join in and bond with the wolves I don’t always get to see day to day.

But not tonight. Or for the last 6 months, if I’m honest with myself. And as the Alpha of this pack, that’s not a good thing. And as the Alpha over all the packs in the region, it’s a distinctly bad thing.

I rub my sweaty palm across the back of my neck and try to calm my racing heart. Adrenaline courses through my veins and I struggle to catch my breath. It’s been days since I’ve had more than a couple of hours of sleep. Insomnia forces me to walk the floorboards or return to my office at some godforsaken time of night to distract myself.

There is something seriously wrong with me and it’s getting harder to hide it. I blink away the bright spots in front of my eyes, shaking my head to clear the sluggishness from my brain. Given it’s getting progressively worse and comes back at each pack run, it’s obvious what it is. Moon madness.

“Is it bad?” Max asks from behind me. I didn’t even sense him coming, providing yet more evidence that I am slipping.

I nod without turning, unable to face my beta, and see the sympathy and worry that I know will be etched on his face. We’re like brothers, and I’ve watched him become increasingly anxious as he witnesses me falling apart before his very eyes. To the outside world, they might not yet have noticed, but I can’t get anything past Max. He knows my calm demeanor is all a facade at this point. There’s no use in pretending. I need his help.

“They’ll know I’m sick if I run. I won’t be able to control my wolf. Make up something, a council meeting or whatever, and I’ll go to the cabin for a couple of days until it passes.”

“And will it pass?” he asks, not questioning my decision to abstain from the pack run for the first time. That tells me I’m further gone than even I thought. My trusted friend isn’t trying to convince me I should stay and ride it out, because he knows I’m past that point. If anyone gets a whiff of this, my position will become untenable and the questions will be endless.

I sigh and turn slowly, flexing my hands out in front of me and concentrating on stopping the trembling, but it doesn’t work. He leans casually in the doorway, head tilted to one side as he observes me. Max’s eyes fix on my twitching fingers and his lips press together tightly. He holds my gaze, but I can’t keep focused, and my eyes flit around the room. When they return to me, it’s the first time I’ve seen him looking genuinely scared. Ever. And we’ve been through some dangerous situations together.

“You just have to do it,” he says simply. “I know you don’t want to hear it, Blake. And I really am sorry. I know it’s not what you want, but this has gone on for too long.”

Max looks at me expectantly, tattooed arms folded over his chest, but I stay silent and turn back toward the window, looking out over the dark forest that surrounds the packhouse. She’s out there somewhere, waiting for me to come to her. And she’s close, so close I can feel it. Taste it. I can’t bring myself to give up on her when I know she’s near.

Then again, maybe that’s the madness talking. Maybe my mind is already playing tricks on me.

“Goddamn it, you stubborn bastard,” he spits out, exasperated. “Blake, there’ll be no coming back if you let this go on for too long. And I’ll be the one who has to deal with the fallout.” Max clamps his big hand on my shoulder, forcing me to turn and face him. To see his anguish. To hear the truth in his words. 

If anyone else grabbed me that way, I’d rip their arm off. But he’s right to be upset. Cruelly, it would be up to my best friend to make the call on when to put me down, before I become a real danger to my pack or the public.

Of course, there’s a simple solution for a mateless Alpha in their late thirties. Give up on my fated mate and take a chosen one instead. It’s the only surefire way to save my life. But at what cost? It would be different if I had someone that I loved and that I could choose as my mate. That’s not the case. It would have to be a mating of convenience. And I’m not sure I could live with that.

Ducking into the walk-in closet off to the side of my office, I grab an overnight bag and shove a couple of changes of clothes inside. Coming back out, I add some bottles of water from the fridge and a bottle of whiskey from the shelf.

“Tell Jenna where she can reach me if she really needs to get in touch, but make it clear that I need privacy.”

Max’s jaw clenches as I pass him on my way out the door. For a second, I think he’s going to stop me and make me talk about it. The words that he is holding back hang heavily in the air between us. He thinks I’m making the wrong decision. We’ve spoken about it before, but that was when it was all hypothetical and way down the line. Not with the threat of moon madness breathing down my neck. He called me old-fashioned and a sappy romantic for wanting to wait for her. 

I think the names he would call me now are probably a little less complimentary.

Max has always been open to the idea of taking a chosen mate and could do so without dwelling on what might have been. I wish I could be like that, but I’ve seen the fated mate bond, seen the magic, the intensity, and the joy. And I want that.

I still have hope that I can. It might be just a glimmer, but I won’t give up. What kind of mate would I be if I did?

I’ll roll the dice one more time. And hopefully, it’s not Max who has to pay the price for my gamble.